Alex looked over the sets of clothes laid out on the bed and muttered to herself, checking off each day and item on their itinerary in her head. Olivia watched silently from the doorway laughing to herself about her over prepared girlfriend. She couldn’t deny she looked adorable in her well worn Harvard hoodie and running shorts, messy pony tail and smudged glasses that had slipped off her nose a bit. Alex felt her partners eyes upon her and knew that Olivia was mocking her organization silently.

“You’ll thank me when you don’t run out of underwear mid trip.” Alex said beating Olivia to the punch.

“Who said I planned on wearing underwear this trip?” Olivia quipped.

“Ha, ha very funny.” Alex offered Olivia her cheek for a kiss, before returning her attention to the piles before her.  “How was work?”

“Oh you know, same old, same old. Finished up the last of my DD5’s and got the heck out of there before they could stop me.” Olivia answered as she changed from her slacks and button down in to shorts and a tank top. “You know I can pack myself.” She said flopping on to the bed disrupting several of the piles lying upon it.

“Olivia!” Alex whined exasperated.

“What? It’s fine they’re still in piles, just… less straight piles.” She said with a grin. “And again I say I can handle packing myself, I am a big girl you know.”

“Oh I know, but you’re a big girl who will wait until the very last second, drive me crazy in a mad dash around the apartment and still end up forgetting something. It’s just easier if I do it. Besides this way, I can coordinate our outfits for each day.”

“Alex, once upon a time I sat alone in a closet and I swore to myself before I opened the door that I wasn’t going to be that kind of lesbian. I am not the matchy-matchy  girl.”

“Not matching, coordinating. Like color families, not same outfits, there is a difference. Plus I don’t trust your wardrobe choices.”

“I dress just fine thank you very much.”

“Yes, you do since I started picking out your clothes.” The blond said with a wink.

“You’re the boss, I just live here.” Olivia said giving her a kiss on the fore head and walking out of the room.

When she returned a few minutes later apple and glass of water in hand she could hear Alex checking off her list.

“Ok, swim suits…” Alex muttered.

“Hand cuffs.”  Olivia added.

Alex smiled.

“Dress clothes.” Alex continued.

“Body oil.” Olivia said taking a bite of her apple.

“Shorts, tanks, sleep wear.”

“Dildos, strap-ons, vibrators.” Olivia growled in Alex’s ear. Alex couldn’t help a smile. She cleared her throat and continued.

“Socks, underwear…”

“Whips, chains…”

“Shoes, sandals, heels…”

“Stilettos? Please sweet Jesus, let there be stilettos.” Olivia said grabbing Alex and turning her around, kissing her.

Alex pulled away and places a finger on Olivia’s lips before leaning in to whisper in her ear.

“I must be Jesus because your prayers have been answered.” She said pointing to a pristine shoe box sitting on the corner chair.

Olivia crossed herself and hit her knees. “Have mercy on my soul.”

Love it or hate it, tell me what you think! Thanks to all for being paitent with me, one more week of school!!


Part 4

Olivia walked in to her apartment and directly to her bedroom. She let her suit coat hit the floor and unbuttoned her blood stained shirt and trousers, allowing them to gather with her jacket on the ground. It seemed like there was not a piece of her clothing Alex's blood hadn’t touched. She paced like a caged animal back and forth, back and forth, pulling at her own hair.

She slammed her fists against the door and screamed as the tears came. The love of her life was gone and the worst part was no one knew it but her. She would have no say in the funeral, no lovers lament or a eulogy would be given. Grief would be expected by all who knew her, of course  they were ‘best friends’ but no one would expect the way loosing Alex was going to permanently shatter the detective who  rarely allowed herself to be affected.

Olivia curled up on the couch with her favorite photo of herself and Alex and her service weapon. Replaying the events of the night over and over in her mind, the only thing that mattered to her at all was gone and there was nothing she could do about it. As she gripped the cool steel grip of her hand gun the tears came harder than they had before. She never thought she would be the sort that found solace in the barrel of her gun but there didn’t seem to be a lot of other options. Without Alex she realized life was not worth living, and if she couldn’t save her, she didn’t want to save anyone else, ever again.

As her cell phone began to buzz on the table she for a moment thought not to answer it, better not to answer than to lose her nerve, but the pain was going nowhere and she thought it might be best to say goodbye to Elliot even if he didn’t realize that was what it was.

“Benson.” Olivia croaked knowing her partner knew her well enough to know she had been crying.

“I’m on my way up Liv, open up the door.”

“El…” She tried to interrupt.

“Olivia, open the door or I’ll break it down.”

Olivia went to her door and opened it slowly, forgetting she wore nothing but her underwear.

“Well you’re going to want to put on more than that and you’re going to want to hurry.” Elliot glanced over at Olivia’s coffee table where the photograph and pistol lay. “Fuck Liv are you kidding me.” He said walking over and picking up the gun, tucking it safely in the back of his pants.

Olivia didn’t respond she just stood there frozen as she had been since the doctor first told her she was gone.

“Olivia.” Elliot shouted grabbing her shoulders. “Get dressed we have a lead.”

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“And that’s when we left, and found out Alex wasn’t dead. Seeing her that night, getting in that car and not being able to kiss her, or hold her even for a moment before she drove away, it killed me.”

“It worries me that you were on the verge of such extreme measures to release your pain. Tell me have you felt that urge since that night?”

“No, not once. It vanished the moment I saw she was alive, the moment I got the hope that we could be together back.”

“Olivia, it sounds to me like you love her and from all you have said she loved you too. I’m not positive you need me to tell you how to get her back. I think you already know. You need to trust yourself and just be present with her. Let go of all the hang ups that you are holding on to, let go of doubt and the fear and just call her up, invite her over, talk. Talking with me will only get you so far. If you want this, you have to make the first move.”

Later that night…

Alex’s hands were trembling as they had been since Olivia called her, she felt as if her knees could give beneath her at any second. Olivia stood stoic across the room intent on being angry, not knowing what to say, while Alex was just fighting to stand at all in her presence. The detective starts to pace from her side of the room to Alex’s and back again, stopping within inches of the attorneys face before turning each time. She looks as if she is ready to come unglued at any moment but too many feelings are converging all at once and she can’t form the words. Alex knows she is angry, she can see the fury building within Olivia but she also knows that behind that rage is love. Olivia has always told Alex that she is a realist but Alex knew the truth about realists and about Olivia. You see a realist is nothing but a romantic, a dreamer who’s had their heart broken too many times.

Alex knows she broke Olivia’s heart but it wasn’t her intention or even her call, at least not in the first place. She wanted to contact her once she left the program but she wasn’t sure how to just go walking back in to her old life. Everyone else lives had gone on while Alex Cabots was on hold and she lived someone else’s. Olivia would say she should have just called, said hello anything, anything at all but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded. Fear consumed her; yes her the once fearless attorney Olivia fell in love with was paralyzed by the thought of being rejected after years spent dreaming of nothing from her old life but the detective.

Olivia stopped pacing and stood toe to toe with the nervous woman before her. All of her anger and confusion converged and she found herself much like the attorney paralyzed by fear. She couldn’t take it anymore not one more second of anger, of heart break or longing, so she did the only thing there was left to do and took all of it and put it in to kissing the woman waiting for her at her fingertips.

Quickly Olivia found herself losing control and as she pushed Alex back to the wall eager hands found their way under the blondes’ blouse, carelessly ripping away at the buttons and in her haste many hit the floor. Alex winced in pain as finger nails clawed in to her soft skin. Maybe if Olivia wasn’t so angry, maybe if she wasn’t trying just a little to cause Alex pain she would have apologized but Olivia said nothing and brought her kisses down Alex’s neck and raked her teeth over the freshly exposed skin of Alex’s breasts. As she took a nipple in her mouth and gently nipped with her teeth Alex bit down on Olivia’s neck as a warning not to go overboard in her exquisite torture.

This wasn’t shaping up to be the kind of reunion either had envisioned and she definitely wasn’t talking to Alex as her therapist had suggested but she couldn’t stop herself. Alex felt her body shiver as Olivia’s hand found the waist band of her jeans and traced its way around her hip and down the back cupping her ass. Olivia did her best to slow herself down be less rough with her touch, be less demanding with her kiss but she couldn’t help herself she was a woman on fire.

Olivia flipped Alex around like a perp to the wall and kissed her neck hard enough that Alex knew her clothing choices for the next few days would be limited. The detective pressed her hips against Alex’s back and kissed down her spine as she removed her own shirt. For a moment Olivia slowed completely almost to a stop and just enjoyed the contact of skin on skin holding Alex tightly against her rocking gently from side to side. She felt the emotions welling up in her throat, tears forming behind her eyes but before a single word could be spoken or tear could fall Olivia upped the tempo once more.

Alex exhaled sharply as Olivia unbuttoned her jeans and tugged at her zipper down quickly, as she slipped her thumb under the waist band of Alex’s lace panties she hesitated, and waited for permission. Permission was granted quickly in the form of Alex’s hand guiding Olivia’s to exactly where she wanted it. Olivia sighed as her fingertips found Alex warm, wet entrance but she did not enter.

“Not like this.” Olivia whispered finally breaking from her anger educed trance. She removed her hand and stood back enough to allow Alex to turn around and meet her in a kiss, a sweeter gentler kiss than they had before. “Come on.” Olivia said taking Alex by the hand and leading her back to her bedroom.

Alex lay back on the bed and watched as Olivia removed her remaining clothes. A nervous smile crossed the older woman’s face as she grabbed hold of the cuff of Alex’s jeans and pulled them back toward her. Alex arched her back to allow for their removal and removed her own panties as Olivia tossed her jeans aside. Olivia crawled back up the bed covering Alex’s body with her own.

“I’ve missed you.” Alex whispered in Olivia’s ear as they embraced, taking in the contact they had both missed so completely for so long.

Olivia pulled back and though she did not speak she returned Alex’s admission. It was in her eyes. They sparkled with the heaviness of the tears she refused to cry and told of the pain she had suffered in the absence of her lover and friend. Olivia took Alex’s face in her hand and gently stroked her hair back off her face. The couple rolled to their side and pressed their foreheads together, their fingers intertwined, legs tangling together. They lay like this for what seemed like an eternity taking each other in, having a million over due conversations and never saying a word.

Alex nuzzled in to her lovers neck and sighed and kissed gently as her mind raced. There were so many unanswered questions, some had the potential to tear them apart forever, but that was none of their concern in this moment. For now all of the questions would remain unanswered, that is all but one. Did they still want each other? Alex answered for them both as she trapped Olivia below her and straddled the detective seductively. Of course they still wanted each other, an attraction like theirs didn’t just go away.

Olivia sat up, leaving the blonde seated facing her in her lap. In the tenderness in Olivia’s eyes as she studied her lover, another question was answered without speaking. Was this moment more than just a product of attraction? Yes, this moment was born out of love and longing and loss and knowing, knowing that in this moment and after things were  going to change.

Having both of these very important questions answered they made love. It has been too long since the last time they had felt each other like this. Olivia for one felt herself getting lost in what seemed like a million sensations at once. While she couldn’t say there had been no one since Alex, she could say with certainty that no one had ever made her feel the way Alex did.

Bodies rocked slowly in tandem, heat drew between them and breathing became labored. They teased and taunted with their touch, each brush of a hand, each caress took them further from the pain of the past and closer to the edge of perfection.

Hours later after both women had no more to give, following the therapist’s advice they talked. They spoke of the time they spent before, the years they’d been apart, and most importantly what the future held for them. They spoke of it all until in the wee hours of morning they could no longer stay awake and fell asleep soundly together for the first time in years.

To Be Continued….

"And you?"

"And me what?" Olivia asked honestly confused by the question.

"Were you able to verbalize it. Your affections for Alex, were you able to put those feelings in to words?"

Olivia paused and thought before answering.

"Talking about my feelings, as you may have guessed by now, has never been my strong suit." Olivia took a sip of water and sat back on the couch. She knew this place, she'd been here before when she was forced to see the department shrink after firing her service weapon. Also in talking with Huang over the years she'd come to this cross road, but she felt no one ever got it right.

"This is the part where we could go into how my mom was a fall down drunk and my father not just absent but a rapist. And the men my mother brought around weren't always the most...upstanding of choices. This is the part where we could go in to all of that, and you could tell me that it isn't my fault. You could tell me I am just a product of my surroundings and it is a wonder I am decent human being at all. This is THAT part, but if I am honest with you doc...I just don't think that is all that uncommon. People have to learn to protect themselves, ya know. I'm a guarded person for sure, years of training and experience have made me that way. I admit freely, that I have walls up. I have ways of protecting myself not just from the bad guys but from everyone, anyone who has the potential to hurt me.

I learned it when I was young and I was trained for it as an adult. The thing is, those walls, that guard, these defenses that I have, those are to keep the bad things out. To keep myself from losing it every time I walk on to a crime scene and see the things I see. To keep me safe when I am tracking down a suspect, or putting cuffs on a perp. Those walls keep out the bad things, not the good things. And I might not be the one who said it first, or most but Alex knew...knows...that I love her deeply. No walls could change that."

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"Good morning." Alex said rolling over and kissing between Olivia's shoulder blades. Olivia groaned and buried her face in the pillow, Alex had come to learn that Olivia Benson was a lot of things, a morning person however was not one of them.

"Good morning." Alex said again in a sing song voice, this time snaking her hand  to the opposite side of the sleeping detective and forcing her to roll on to her side. Her efforts were met with another deeper groan. Alex couldn't help but giggle at the tired detective and her awesomely messy morning hairdo.

"What's so funny?" Olivia asked taking the bait.

"You." Alex answered planting another kiss on her shoulder and hooking her chin over it.

"Oh?" Olivia asked rolling to her back looking at Alex for the first time that morning.

The spring sun shone brightly through the window filling the room and illuminated the beautiful honey tones in Olivia's skin. The gentle blond  highlights in her hair glistened and her smile was no longer subtle across her face.

"Why am I so funny?" Olivia wondered out loud.

The sentiment sounded trite especially in the jaded lawyers head, but in this light she looked radiant.

"You're beautiful." Alex sighed touching Olivia's cheek.

"Well thank you." Olivia tried unsuccessfully tame her wild hair with her hand to no avail. "But how is that funny?"

"It isn't. Not even a little." She placed a tender kiss on Olivia's lips to punctuate her statement. "I love you." Alex said as she leaned back. As casually as she had said good morning, she spoke the words that she had been holding in for what seemed to her like a lifetime.

Olivia couldn't help but be stunned, it had been so long since anyone had said those words to her that she almost didn't know how to receive it. Olivia tried to speak but found when she did no words formed. She was taken back and for the first time in a long time, she was terrified.

"It's ok Liv." Alex said with a smile, knowing that her partner was not the kind to wear her heart on her sleeve. "I love you, no strings, no expectations, no..."

"Of course I love you." Olivia interrupted. "I just never thought you'd beat me to it."

Alex flopped back from her side onto her back and looked at the ceiling.

"If you say Ice Queen so help me, I'll take it back."

Olivia laughed. Something that most people didn't know about Alex was just how funny she was in private when the setting was deemed appropriate.

"You're not an Ice Queen. You are amazing and how'd I get so lucky as to have you love me, that is the surprise." Olivia explained.

"I love you." Alex said rolling into Olivia's arms and snuggling in to the crook of the arms she fit so perfectly.

"I love you too." There was a time when Olivia may have been able to tell you with shocking accuracy how many times she'd actually said those words. In this moment she felt that soon, there would no longer be a measure.

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“You love her.” The doctor stated.

“Yes.”

“After all this time, all the goings on of life, you still feel the same way?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“What?” Olivia asked offended.

“How, how do you know you still love her, how do you still love her at all? After all this time wouldn’t it be fair to say you’re in love with the idea of her, of what you once were? And that you don’t know the Alex who you’ve got back anywhere near the way you knew the Alex who left? Olivia, Alex represents a time in your life that came quite late for you, a real love, a love you felt deeply. You told me yourself you never got attached to anyone the way you were attached to her. You admit freely that other than her, you’ve never told another person, man or woman in a romantic relationship that you love them. It has been years Olivia you are both different people now, isn’t that fair to say?”

Olivia sat stunned at the doctor’s observation. She assumed that since she was being paid she would also be on Olivia’s side, she supposed now she was wrong.

“Time has passed. She has been through things that I will never be able to understand and I don’t claim that I will. And so have I, I have been through hell and back over the last few years. You know how I got through every single awful moment in the last four years? Alex. Just knowing she was out there somewhere and that she was ok, the hope that maybe, a time would come when it would be safe for her back in my arms again.”

“And Alex?”

“It’s been hard, but what we had is still there I can feel it.”

“Have you talked to her about it?”

“No.”

“Then how are you so sure.” The doctor questioned.

“Haven’t you ever been in love doc?” Olivia felt the burning in her eyes as she said the words.

“But she won’t discuss it?”

“It’s not a matter of will or won’t it is a matter of being back at square one I think. Every move forward we made, time has moved us back. I am willing to take every single one again, that’s why I am here. I need you to tell me how.”

“I can’t tell you how Olivia. I wasn’t there before, and you know her better than I do. All I can tell you is, all you have to offer her is you. It is up to Alex if that is what she wants. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep, don’t sell her any lines. Alex is a lawyer; you need to be clear, concise make your case. Let Alex be the judge for a change.” 

“How will I know she is ready?” Olivia asked.

“How did you know before?”

“I don’t know it just happened. She made the first move, I was just along for the ride until then.”

“And now?”

“She’s not moving.” Olivia looked past the doctor in her chair, through the window and out into the city.

“But you love her?”

“Yes.”

“Then what is keeping you.”

Olivia swallowed. Fear wasn’t an emotion the detective often admitted to, but when it came to Alex the fact remained she often found she was terrified.

“Fear?”  Asked the good doctor.

Olivia sighed.

“Afraid of what? Rejection? Afraid she’s changed her mind? Moved on?”

“Yes, yes yes. Ok yes.” Olivia stood and began to pace, walking over to the window.  “I am afraid of all of that. You don’t understand it may have only been a few hours that she was ‘dead’ before I knew the truth but you don’t understand what I went through in those hours. You don’t understand how I felt. It killed me. It almost ended me. She knew it would destroy me, that’s why she broke all the rules. That’s why she had Hammond call me and brought Elliot along; she knew I couldn’t do it alone.”

“What do you mean ended you?”

“I was destroyed. I was one step away when the phone rang.”

 

Thanks for reading please stay tuned. Olivia comes home after Alex "passes" find out what happens. Also Olivia makes her first move towards getting back her girl...how will it go?

“Ok Olivia. The last time we talked we were discussing the initial difficulty Alex found in her first same sex relationship. So it was, difficult at first, yes?”

“Yes, which is why we moved slowly, one thing at a time you know. A dinner here and there, lunch if we were working together that day.”

“You say you moved slowly, tell me about her reaction to a physical relationship.”

Olivia shot her a questioning look.

“I need to know these things Olivia, I have to know what you went through before, to know how to get you through what you are going through now. Was she receptive to a physical relationship, or did she shy away? Did you propel the relationship forward or did she? Was she conflicted by your interesting situation or did she like the secrecy? It all speaks to how she viewed your relationship. I need to know it all to form a picture of your relationship.”

“Ok, you know best. Our physical relationship moved slowly at times excruciatingly so. I kept the pace slow, I didn’t want her to throw the brakes one day you know. Plus I was nervous.”

“Nervous how?”

“The closer we got to crossing that threshold the more pressure I felt. I held a lot of responsibility in my hands. She had never been to bed with a woman, and I had never been to bed with a woman who I felt so much for. That sounds awful, but it is the truth. I think I didn’t just put it off because it was the right thing to do, but also because our relationship changed enough. Sex changes everything.”

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It had been three months since that day in the rain. Three months of secret phone calls, stolen moments in elevators, offices, apartments. Keeping things between them under wraps was still even kind of fun on some level, but as with all fun things eventually there comes a need to step it up, and raise the stakes.

Alex and Olivia had just returned from the gym one of the few places the women could go together and not feel like they were on parade, or would get found out. After a quick race up the stairs in Olivia's building they now found themselves collapsed on the couch. Olivia's body covering Alex's with her full weight upon her.

"You ok?" Olivia asked taking a breath.

"Mmmmhmmm." Alex hummed.

"I'm not crushing you?"

"No." Alex answered punctuating her statement with a kiss.

It had been discussed briefly at best, that Alex had never been with a woman. Some people would find this concept exciting, Olivia found it to be overwhelming which is why to this point, they had never made it any farther than the couch.

In this moment Olivia could feel the heat between them growing. She felt Alex's heart pounding in her chest. She was aware of every gasp of breath, every subtle moan, every movement of her hands. They all added up to this being the moment she had both been waiting for and completely terrified of. Just thinking about it threw off her concentration and it was obvious to both of them.

"Olivia." Alex said.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ok? You totally just zoned out. "

"What? I'm right here. Sorry I was just, I just got to thinking. I'm sorry. I'm here." Olivia tried to recover by intensifying her kisses.

It worked for a while, and then she felt Alex's hands in uncharted territory, and her hips grinding in to her own from below. Alex’s body was telling Olivia to make the move, to take the step they had been dancing around for weeks.

Olivia stood and offered a hand to Alex and led her to the bedroom.

As she lay back onto the bed and felt Olivia’s weight cover her body,   Alex became suddenly aware of the gravity of the situation she now found herself in.

Olivia’s eyes met hers, asking her permission to proceed. Alex nodded slowly. Olivia could sense the hesitation in her lover that wasn’t there back on the couch where things had been keeping a similar pace for months.

“Come on.” Olivia said pulling Alex back up off the bed.

“Where are we going?” Alex asked confused, worried that she had given Olivia the wrong signals.

“I don’t know about you, but I worked up a sweat this morning at the gym. We’re hitting the showers.” Olivia said raising an eye brow.

Alex followed the detective into the small bathroom. Olivia reached in past the curtain and started the water before turning back to Alex and checking her eyes one last time for a reason to stop. Her eyes were nothing but blue and waiting for Olivia to take the lead.

She pulled her tank top up over her head, then removed her jogging pants, and briefs. Standing completely exposed in front of Alex, she didn’t feel the slightest hint of embarrassment as she thought she might given their history, and their uncertain future.

Olivia reached out her hand and found the hem of Alex’s top. Just as she began to lift she felt a hand on hers moving the opposite direction.

“Olivia.” Alex objected.

Olivia let out a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry, I thought…”

“I do…I do. I’m just…I’ve never done this before you know.”

“You’ve never showered.” Olivia asked trying to lighten the moment.

Alex looked sternly at the woman standing in front of her.

“I know.” Olivia said understanding. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. I’m sorry when we were on the couch you just seemed like…”

“I did. I was. I just…wow…I…” Alex couldn’t help but taking in every inch of Olivia’s toned body before her.

“It’s ok Alex really. I’m going to hit the showers. When I get out we can pretend this didn’t happen. Really.” Olivia stepped quickly into the shower, as her embarrassment grew so did her need to not be standing stark naked in front of a woman who was clearly not ready to move forward. A woman who might never be ready to move forward Olivia feared.

Olivia took her time showering. Spending the time going over the past few weeks in her head, was it all in her mind? Could Alex ever really be with her, the way she knew she could be with Alex? Olivia leaned forward and braced herself against the shower wall, letting the warm water pour over her aching head. The water pounded against her neck and top of her head drowning out the sounds of her own troubled mind, and the woman opening the shower curtain and stepping in behind her.

“Can I get under there?” Alex asked as casually as she could muster with her heart beating out of her chest.

Olivia smiled and stepped aside completely taken with the sight of the lawyer in what had to be her new favorite outfit.

“Naked suits you, more than those suits do.” Olivia said also trying to keep her composure.

Alex allowed the water to wash over her wetting her hair and providing enough distraction to muster the courage to kiss Olivia. As their bare chests touched under the warm water, and mouths mingled in a kiss, Alex felt her knees go weak and momentarily lost her balance.

“Whoa, you ok there?” Olivia asked with a smile, firmly holding her around her waist.

Alex gave her reply in a trail of kisses around the brunettes neck, up her chin, settling on her lips.

“Turn around.” Olivia said placing a kiss on her temple. Alex felt her heart start to thump a million beats a minute in her chest, but she didn't move a muscle.

"Do you trust me?" Olivia whispered in her ear.

Alex turned slowly and faced away from the detective, warm water flowing over her front. Olivia brushed Alex’s hair aside allowing access to her neck. She placed gentle kisses down the length, then over her shoulder. She raised her arm with her own and continued her kisses down her arm, past her elbow ending at her fingers. Olivia pressed her body firm against Alex’s back, both to share the warmth and to intensify the pleasure. As her hands felt their way up and down Alex’s fit torso, up over her breasts and down again, it was all she could do to keep her exploration slow and gentle. As her need grew it was harder and harder not to ravage the woman before her, if only to satisfy her own desires.

Olivia continued to tease with her touch and tempt with her kiss, until she was positive that Alex was relaxed and desperate for Olivia to make love to her. She turned off the water and turned Alex back around to face her and kissed her once more deeply on the mouth and pulled a towel from the rack and wrapped it around Alex, then took another for herself. She playfully shook her short dark hair causing Alex to squeal.

“What? You don’t like my styling technique?” Olivia said with a smile.

“I love it.” Alex said taking a fist full of Olivia’s hair and pulling her back into a long kiss. “Olivia.” She whispered in her ear. “I’m ready.”

In an instant Alex was laying back on the bed, nothing but a thin towel between herself and Olivia. No longer were Olivia’s eyes searching for permission, she knew Alex was hers as long as she wanted her, and she never wanted her more. Lifting her body with one hand she pulled away first her towel, then Alex’s. As bare skin met over the full length of their bodies Alex let out a deep sigh, Olivia took it as a plea to stop the excruciating amount of teasing that had been taking place.

Olivia lifted herself up and the momentary loss of contact made Alex whimper in disapproval. The separation was not for long just long enough for Olivia to change her position. Lowering herself to her loves midsection lavishing it with warm kisses from her navel to her breasts and back again, hands tracing deliberately up and down the curves of her side.

After what seemed to Alex like an eternity Olivia changed her focus and her speed. She rolled off Alex and pulled her to meet her side to side face to face, kissing her deeply before allowing her fingers to finally find their way between them and to Alex’s center.

Alex instinctively let her leg fall open wider allowing Olivia better access. As Olivia slipped herself inside Alex for the first time she knew there was no going back, at least not for her. A gentle moan escaped Alex as Olivia slid her fingers, in and out and over her lover. As quickly as she rolled them to their sides Olivia rolled Alex back to her back and lowered herself between the blonde’s legs. Never loosing contact with her hand she paused only a moment locking eyes with Alex before lowering her head and placing a kiss just below her navel and proceeding to her intended destination.

A sharp intake of air, almost a gasp told Olivia that she was pleasing her lover. Delicate hands gently gripping at her short hair told her, Alex was a woman on the verge, gently pulling her closer to her, urging her deeper. It was when the world went silent from the pressure of Alex’s thighs closing tightly against her head Olivia knew, it wouldn’t be long before Alex finally let herself go. As she predicted it was but moments after the sounds of the apartment muffled that she felt Alex’s body tighten and her hair being pulled with force. Muffled expletives filled the room as Alex tried to silence herself with her own arm, but despite her best efforts and her vice-grip thighs, Olivia not only heard but reveled in the uncharacteristic display.

Olivia rose to meet Alex in a crushing kiss, before Alex went completely limp with contentment.

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“And that’s how it happened.”

“So she was reluctant at first.”

“At first, but aren’t we all? I think it is awkward at the start of any relationship regardless of circumstance. Add in everything we had on our plates and yeah, there were moments of reluctance and awkwardness but there were also moments that I have never experienced with anyone else before.”

“Like?”

“I don’t know. Like, God I feel so silly saying this but like that excited feeling I got…get to this day when I see it is her calling. Like the secret signal she devised to mean ‘I love you’ when she couldn’t say it because we were at work.”

“So it got passed infatuation quickly, she was able to verbalize her love for you.”

“It took some time but yes, she was at least back then.”

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This chapter started getting kind of long, so it is going to be a two partner. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing. Let me know what you think!

“Her legs.” She said with a smirk.

“Her legs?”

“You seem surprised.” The detective said leaning down elbows on her knees, crooked grin on her face.

“I don’t know after all our talks, everything you’ve told me about her…I guess I just expected something more sentimental, less sexual.”

“We’d never had made it to sentimental without sexual doc.”

“No?”

“No, no way. And even then it took years for the sexual tension to finally come to a head.”

“Tell me about it.”

“About what?” Olivia wasn’t sure how any of this was going to help her get Alex back.

“About when the tension finally came to a head.” The doctor had dealt with her share of hard headed clients but Olivia definitely one of the toughest to get going.

“Excuse me?”

“Olivia if you want my help in moving forward with Alex, you’re going to have to go back and fill me in on how you got to where you are.”

Olivia sat for a moment, looking the doctor up and down. She was a nice woman early fifties she guessed, though her wardrobe made her look younger. Olivia couldn’t peg her, she’d never been the best at determining sexual preference at a glance, but she had been curious since she first began her sessions. Since Alex was suddenly back, really back.

Olivia raised an eyebrow and asked. “You just looking for a guided tour of Lezville doc?”

 “I’m surprised Olivia, not only are you a lesbian, but you’re also a detective. To answer your real question, you aren’t going to shock me. I’ve got to be mayor of Lezville by now. Isn’t that why you came here, because I specialize in homosexual relationship counseling? ”

Olivia blushed knowing she had been busted.

“Ok, where do I start?”                              

“I find the beginning is normally a good place.”

“Right.” Olivia sat back and searched her memory. "Well we had just wrapped up a crazy case, heart breaking. Cheryl Avery, a Transgendered woman was now in prison and Alex put her there. It was awful, Alex felt so guilty. She just sent a woman into a mans prison and everything you would expect to happen to her did."

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"Alex it's not your fault." Olivia said placing a hand on her back.

"Who's is it then?" Alex snapped

"You did everything you could, the system failed Cheryl, not you."

"The system is supposed to protect people. I am supposed to protect people.” Alex sighed.

"The system sucks Alex, it isn't your fault."

"If Cheryl dies, I will never forgive myself.”

"She's not going to die Alex, and even if...and if she does you'll have to forgive yourself because you did all you could for her, you did your job."

"You saw her Olivia, how will she survive that. How?" Alex turned to Olivia and began to sob, taking a step forward she lay her head on Olivia's shoulder and released her pain.

Olivia wrapped her arms around the normally head strong, composed lawyer. Vulnerable was never a word that sprang to mind when describing Alexandra Cabot but in this moment that was exactly the word she would use. Normally Olivia did her best to avoid any physical contact with the blond, as she had found no effective way to keep her body from reacting to the beautiful woman who was currently in her arms. It was no different now in this moment, as she held the sobbing lawyer she could feel her heart rate climbing, her head start spinning, and her skin tingling with anticipation.

Olivia wasn't sure how much time had passed but it had been long enough to get lost in thought. As she felt Alex begin to pull away she instinctually pulled back for a moment but quickly realized she should let go. Alex took a step back and looked at the detective as if she was seeing her for the first time. She studied Olivia's face eyes never leaving hers, she wondered how she never noticed how impossibly piercing they were.

A thin hand moved up the back of Olivia's black leather jacket and found it's way past her shoulder and to her cheek. For a moment they both stood unable to move gauging the other for a reaction, plotting their next move.

Just as Olivia opened her mouth to speak again, Alex took the words from her mouth with her own. Finally the undeniable was no longer pushed deep down in the back of their collective minds but rather racing to the forefront taking it's place where, from the feel of the moment it had always belonged.

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"And that was it. Everything was different from then on."

"Different good, different bad?"

"Both. The time following that first kiss was heaven and hell. Everything intensified."

"How so?"

"Well for starters, we were in uncharted waters for both of us."

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"Come in." Alex called answering the knock at her office door.

Olivia came in and shut the door behind her looking the attorney up and down. "Hey." She said causing Alex to jump even though she knew Olivia was in the room she was startled. Alex had found that she was unsure of how to act around the detective since in a moment of weakness she found herself engaging in an impromptu make out session with her weeks before and more than that enjoying the contact more than she could have possibly imagined.

"Detective." Alex said with a nod.

"Detective, Alex?" Olivia was growing tired of the cat and mouse game the attorney had been playing since the night she thought everything had changed.

"What?" Alex asked straightening her suit and taking a seat behind her desk, the more obstacles between them the better she thought.

"Just a little formal don't you think?" Olivia said sitting opposite her, telling herself this would be the last shot Alex would get to end this game and take a chance with her.

"Olivia we're at work." Alex reminded the detective.

"Much better." Olivia said with a smile."Can I take you to lunch?"

"Oh,...well, actually. I wish you would have called Olivia you wouldn't have had to come all the way down here. I can't have lunch I am swamped today I'll probably just hit up the vending machines later." Alex said not looking up from her case files.

"You've used that one already." Olivia said standing up and walking towards the door.

"Excuse me?"

"That excuse, you've used it before. You've also used waiting for an important call, client meeting, judges chambers, picking up the dry cleaning...Alex why don't you just tell me you can't because you have to wash your hair and we'll be done with it."

"I'm sorry Olivia I have been very busy and I resent the implication."

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." Olivia said as she walked out the door.

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"So she avoided you."

"Completely, for what seemed like forever. She always had a reason. Finally I just stopped trying, what could I do? I figured she was writing it off as a terrible mistake, a confused moment. It broke my heart, because there was nothing confusing about that moment to me."

"So what did you do?"

"I avoided it too, eventually I put it away, all of it my feelings everything, I just put it all away." Olivia admitted.

"How long did that last?"

"Until she came back around."

"What happened?"

"I had a bad day.” Olivia smiled, at the thought.

“You’re smiling, I thought you said it was a bad day.”

“It was a bad day, awful in fact, but it was also the day that Alex changed everything.”

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Olivia slammed her locker shut and kicked the one below it. Elliot looked on from his desk. She could feel his eyes on her, and felt her blood start to boil, she knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to hear it.

"Save it Elliot." She said before he had a chance to speak.

"I didn't say a word." Elliot said stacking papers at his desk.

"But you wanted to and I don't want to hear it." She said slamming herself into her chair.

"Then you won't."

"Fuck!" Olivia yelled.

Alex Cabot entered the squad room just as Olivia yelled. She knew Olivia would be upset by the verdict but there wasn't a lot she could do, they just didn't have enough damning evidence. If she had been on the jury she wasn't positive she could have come back with a guilty verdict either.

"I'm sorry." Alex said walking over to Olivia wanting to comfort her.

"Tell that to that little girls mom." Olivia said grabbing her coat off the back of the chair and storming towards the elevator.

"Where are you going?" Alex called.

"For a walk." Olivia replied as the elevator doors shut behind her.

"It's pouring!" Alex managed to get out before they shut completely.

An hour later when she there was still no sign of Olivia Alex went to look for her. She found her 10 blocks away sitting on a courtyard bench, soaked to the bone.

"You're going to catch your death out here like this Olivia."

Olivia said nothing.

"I'm sorry Olivia, there was nothing else I could do without more evidence..." Alex trailed off. Olivia didn’t move a muscle. "Olivia I'm sorry!"

"For what? You said it yourself we didn't have enough evidence, that's not your fault it's mine."

"I'm still sorry." Alex said sympathetic.

"Why?" Olivia's tone was hostile.

"I'm sorry I didn't…, I'm sorry I pushed you away." Alex said with a shiver.

Olivia laughed.

"You think that is what this is about?"

"Maybe, at least a little. I don’t know Olivia you tell me."

"Don't think so highly of yourself Alex."

Alex's chin hit her chest, she found herself profoundly hurt by the comment.

"You're right, how silly of me. I guess I thought you felt something too."

"Too?! Too?! Look at us Alex. Would you, this is the first time you have talked to me about something other than work since then. Too...yeah I felt something, I went after it. You're the one who cast ME off."

"I know. I'm sorry, I just...I don't know how to do this."

"It's ok Alex, no one is going to make you, least of all me."

"I don't know how to do this Olivia, that doesn't mean I don't want to."

“Now, now you want to. Now that I’m a mess and you can be the hero. You can make the grand gesture and come and save me. Is that what this is about? You couldn’t stand that you needed someone, even if it was just for that night, you needed someone. Alex Cabot doesn’t need saving, is that it? Guess what Alex, you aren’t the only that doesn’t need saving. You can’t save me either.”

"It doesn't mean I don't want to Olivia." Alex dropped her umbrella and let the rain pour over her. "I'm sorry. This is the grand gesture Olivia, there isn't going to be another. I'm standing here, in the pouring rain, asking you to please forgive me."

"You're going to freeze to death." Olivia responded from her bench.

"Then I freeze to death, I'm not moving until you forgive me."

Alex's whole body was trembling, as much as Olivia wanted to punish her for pushing her away, there she was standing right there in the pouring rain.

"Where can this possibly go?" Olivia asked.

“I don’t know. Where ever we want it to I guess." Alex's glasses were covered with rain, it was amazing she could see anything at all.

"I'm no good at relationships." Olivia confessed.

"We have so much in common." Alex said with a smile.

"You can be a real pain in my ass sometimes." Olivia said with a chuckle.

"We have so much in common." Alex repeated with a grin.

Olivia took Alex by the hand and led her away from the park, down and alley to an overhang behind a laundry mat where warm air blew from the vents.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked.

"It's warm isn't it?" Olivia asked.

"Yes."

"And back here, I can do this." Olivia kissed Alex for the second time since they had met, and for the second time since they met, everything had changed.

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"So you got back together."

"Well together at least, I don't think you can be 'back together' without being together first. It was complicated and crazy but we were happy.”

“Complicated how?”

“Well for one thing, we worked together. Add to that I only had a toe out of the closet, close friends and a few people at work knew but that was it. And if I was barely out of the closet Alex hadn't even touched the handle yet. Neither of us was sure she ever would, we didn’t think a lot about what was to come, what was to be. We just were.  There was a lot to work out but, it didn't matter really. We were happy."

"So let me ask you this, you have lead me to believe you had other relationships with women in the past is this correct?"

"Yes."

"And Alex?"

"No, never. Alex is a WASP, the thought never really crossed her mind according to her until she met me. Part of me really wants to believe that and the other part knows it is probably just flattery."

"So I would imagine it was difficult for her at first, was it not?"

"In ways yes, in others no. She was a quick study if that's what you're after." Olivia said with a crooked grin.

“Not exactly what I was after but we will get in to that next time. We’re out of time for today.”

“Really, but what do I do? I still don’t know how to get her back.”

“Olivia, it’s not going to happen over night. Right now she needs you to be her friend. Don’t push. Just like getting her back, if that is what she even wants. We’re not going to get to a solution in one session. We’ll talk about it more next time.”

See you next session everyone!
 

Blame It On Me- Alana Davis

The two women were nothing if not opposites, but it was in their differences that they found so much to share. The one thing they didn’t share, at least not out loud were feelings, and over the last few months Olivia found it harder and harder to keep it to herself. She felt like she might bust. She knew she had to tell Alex, she knew she had to change the pace and the rules of the game. And she knew that if that change wasn’t well received, she’d be the only one to blame.

No one said this job would be easy. But they don’t tell you how hard it will be, the toll it will take on every relationship you have. The long hours, the cases that will rip your heart out, there is no way to avoid it. It will leave you hardened, doing what ever you have to do just to get through the day. That is why Olivia looked forward to Sunday. It didn’t matter what was to come on Monday, for at least 24 hours Alex held the power to wash it all away. She lived for stormy spring Sundays when they could spend the whole day making love and hiding under the covers from the trials, and tribulations the week would surely provide. It didn’t matter on those days what horror the week had been; it was all just a distant memory until the first call came in on Monday mornings.

She woke up in the new city and everything seemed to be the same as the day before. It seemed contrary to how she felt the world had not come crashing to an end. As the days past slowly she started to remember her old hobbies from back before she had the kind of job that kept you from everything you loved. But now it wasn’t the job keeping her from everything she loved, all the long walks in the park couldn’t change the fact that she was now and for as long as she could see without the woman she loved. Her mind had started playing tricks on her mostly at night. She swore she heard her whisper I love you in the dark. She always knew she would die without Olivia, and in a way she did Alex Cabot was dead and Emily lay awake at night mourning it all.

“How did we get here?” Olivia asked nudging the blond beside her.

“Life, our jobs, they just get in the way and we end up here.”

“We knew that going in.”

“I guess we thought we’d have enough to make it not matter, but Olivia we have almost nothing in common.”

“That’s not true.” Olivia searched her brain, knowing that blond would be ready with the follow up.

“Name one thing, other than sex, that we have in common.”

“Earth shattering, mind blowing, and if I may quote you best you’ve ever had sex.” The detective joked.

“Yes one thing other than that.”

“Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Olivia said with a snap and a bat of her lashes.

“The movie?”

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

“We both liked the movie.”

“I think we need more than great sex and an Audrey Hepburn movie to keep us together.”

“So now what?”

“I think we have to move on, we’re falling apart.”

“But what a beautiful mess we make.” Olivia said kissing the blond, assuring her that they had much more than a movie between them.

She looked down at the phone and smiled when she saw Alex’s name.

“You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

“Take a taxi, to the hotel, I’ve got a bottle of wine waiting. I’ll meet you there.”

“I can’t wait. I love you.”

“I can’t talk now, I’m in the middle of the bull pen. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

…

Within moments of entering the room she felt the warmth of Alex’s skin on her bare chest, felt the soft tickle of her lips on her neck. It had been so long since she had felt the woman her body was covering, it almost felt like she was cheating. They had grown accustom to the distance their relationship had come to know with Alex now playing politics in DC. Olivia lived for these visits, she often felt like they were becoming strangers, but on nights like these, making love until both of them had no strength left, until it felt like cheating, she found her faith in their love renewed.

Olivia sat across the street watching the doors of the church, sitting and waiting and watching for the woman in white to emerge. There was a time when that woman in white was her happily ever after and now she was in there, saying those words to a man who she was sure could never love her quite the way she did. This was it, the final chapter in the story of Alex and Olivia. Olivia just never thought it would end this way. They had a good run, spring and summer spent in a lovers haze, winter brought cold and doubt to their relationship and soon it seemed the only thing left to do was take a step back. When Alex came back months later Olivia and her pride turned her away. Now here she was two years later, drunk on cheap champagne waiting, watching for her to come out of that church and ride off into the sunset with the one who’s arms she found when Olivia turned her down. Now he was her thing that is new, and Olivia, was left being the thing that was blue. She’d have liked to say she had no regrets, and for the most part Olivia could smile at the memories from that summer they spent so in love, but now as the doors opened and the happy couple emerged and made their way to the car, there was only one thing left for Olivia to do. And so she went.

“You.” Olivia said kissing Alex’s neck. “Can.” Kiss. “Leave mad in the morning.”

Olivia’s hands slid down and back up the soft skin of her partner’s arms.

“I take back what I said.” Olivia said kissing her again. “Come back to bed.”

Olivia made her way to the front of the couch where the once angered woman was perched and pulled gently testing her willingness to comply.

“It’s cold out. Come back to bed. I’m sorry, for what I said. I know that I’m wrong, but don’t leave me alone baby. Come back to bed.”

Alex did not budge not an inch, Olivia hit her knees.

“Don’t hold your love over my head. Please baby come back to bed. If the morning won’t do, I’ll give this to you, you can be mad in the afternoon instead.”

Alex smirked, took Olivia’s hand and allowed herself to be led, back to bed.

What I Like About You- The Ramones

Olivia was cleaning her apartment, a practice so rare even her apartment was in shock. With the music loud and her heart pumping, the typically composed detective was dusting and dancing as Joey Ramone sang his love anthem. Imagine her surprise when during a particularly challenging spin kick move she ended up face to face with her beautiful girlfriend, they very woman who she was thinking about as she belted the lyrics aloud. In a fit of laughter and love Olivia decided she could either die of embarrassment or continue the fun, and so the serious detective and the stoic attorney found themselves holding hands dancing like fools while belting the love anthem for all to hear.

As she walked through the park, kicking up the leaves in front of her, Alex couldn’t help but laugh. It amazed her how much she could fall in love with her more every single day. Her smile, made Alex smile, her laugh made her laugh, everything about her from her deep brown eyes to her baby soft skin often left Alex speechless. For the normally verbally nimble lawyer it was a whole new feeling, and as she watched her brown eyed little girl running in the park, she saw her original brown eyed girl running towards her smiling ear to ear. She’d never seen Olivia happier than she was when she was with their little girl.

It had been a long time since the last time she saw Olivia this upset. She normally held it together, not only for herself but everyone around her. It always amazed Alex how strong she was, but she wished Olivia knew she didn’t always have to be Hercules. Often times she could see behind her eyes, the twinge of insecurity that came with being a wife and a mother unsure if you were keeping the right balance between work and home. It seemed no matter where Olivia was she felt guilt for not being able to do more, solve one more case, read one more bed time story, she always wanted to do more than she could humanly do.

“Can I carry that weight you’ve got on your shoulders for a while detective?” Alex asked handing Olivia a glass of wine and pulling her close to her on the couch. And as Olivia began to speak Alex traced her fingers in her hair and listened to the woman who was only human, but was the last one to know it.

Olivia didn’t invite her over thinking this would happen, but here they were standing toe to toe. What started as an innocent hug between friends had turned into a silent declaration of love. Their hands moved slowly, tentatively over one and other as in the silence volumes were spoken.

Alex didn’t know what was happening, but she knew one thing, she didn’t want to go home tonight. No one understood like Olivia, and no one could give her exactly what she wanted the way Olivia could. As she lay back on the bed she felt a flood emotions over take her body, it had been so long since anyone had touched her the way Olivia was touching her. The city could be so cold and lonely, and the loneliness had been building for so long she felt the tears start to form in her eyes at the same time she felt Olivia lay gentle kisses over her trembling body and asking for her assurance that this was what she wanted. The truth was it wasn’t just what she wanted it was all she wanted.

Christmas Present

December 24, 2004

Olivia felt warm lips on her cool back as a sleek arm draped itself over her mid section. She smiled and nuzzled back closer to the warm body behind her.

“Good morning.” She whispered.

“Merry Christmas Eve detective.”

“Merry Christmas Eve too you too.” She said rolling over to look into the blue eyes she couldn’t believe were in her bed.

“So…”

Olivia smiled.

“So, what? You trying to think up the quickest way out of here?” She said lacing her fingers with the blondes.

“Just the opposite, trying to figure out how long you’re going to let me stay here.” Alex said with a reserved giggle.

“As long as you like, honestly I wouldn’t have thought in a million years I’d be waking up with you in my bed.”

Alex smiled and kissed the hand that was holding hers.

“Coffee?” Olivia asked sitting up giving Alex full view of her strong back before pulling her robe from the chair by her bed wrapping herself and moving toward the bedroom door.

“Absolutely.”

Olivia could not stop smiling, as she made her way from the warmth of the bed she shared the night before with Alex and into the kitchen. Evidence of the nights activities still strewn along the way. She picked up Alex’s sweater and chuckled to herself.

“Never in a million.” She said to herself.

12 hours earlier…

Olivia stood at the bar looking at the clock. She promised herself she would at least pretend to be sociable until midnight and it was still only ten thirty. All around her, her colleagues were engaged in conversations about their families and holiday plans. Elliot dawned a Santa hat for the occasion and Munches menorah light up tie was a hit with everyone Jewish or not.

“Have you seen John’s tie?” Alex said slipping past her and trying to get the bartenders attention.

“Ugh yeah. It’s…something.” Olivia said setting down her beer.

“Come on Liv, you’re not a Grinch are ya?” Alex playfully punched Olivia’s arm forcing a smile from the detective.

“It’s just not my favorite time of year I guess, but I wouldn’t say I am a Grinch.”

“I hear ya.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah, Cabot Christmases…well they’re not all warm and fuzzy either.”

“I see. Speaking of shouldn’t you be on a plane, I thought you were headed to your moms.”

“I am, just not until tomorrow night.”

“Nothing like the last possible moment.”

“Yeah well, I’d rather not spend every moment of my time off hearing about my brother and sister, their perfect husbands and wives, and children. I love my mom, but if I hear one more time about finding the right man, and settling down…”

“Careful what you say counselor I might have to arrest you.” Olivia said with a smile.

Alex laughed.

“It’s not much better here. If I see one more family picture…”

“Ha, yeah, don’t I know it.”

“Do you want to get out of here?” Olivia said it before she had a chance to think about what she was saying.

“Please!” Alex’s eyes widened as she grabbed the bottle from Olivia’s hand and finished off her beer before nodding towards the door.

If Olivia didn’t know better she would have thought Alex was flirting with her.

After a quick stop over at the coat check the two were out the door.

“Ah fresh air!” Alex said taking a deep breath of the cold night air. She spun around in the middle of the sidewalk and smiled. “I love the snow.” She said happily stopping in front of Olivia.

“I can tell.” Olivia chuckled.

“What?” Alex said with a smile.

“I’ve just never seen you quite this…”

“Happy?”

“I was going to say drunk, but sure…let’s go with happy.”

“I’m not that drunk.” Alex said rocking back on the heels of her boots.

“Oh yeah?” Olivia said catching her before she tumbled backwards.

She held on tight around the blondes back until she was sure she was steady on her feet. Standing there, with Alex so impossibly close to her, it took all the restraint she had to not act on the feelings she’d been holding back since they met.

Olivia cleared her throat as she loosened her hold. “You got it?” Olivia said scanning Alex’s face for reaction.

“Yeah, yeah… uh, I’m good.” Alex said as she straightened her coat and pulled her hat back down on her head. “I think the wine just went right to my brain, I’m better now. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Olivia said shuffling her feet, making trails in the snow.

Present

“How’s that coffee coming?” Alex said entering the kitchen wearing Olivia’s NYPD hoodie and a pair of shorts.

“I see you found my closet.”

“I hope you don’t mind.” Alex said shyly.

“Not at all.” Olivia handed Alex a mug of coffee and kissed her cheek.

Alex took the mug and went to the window too look out over the city covered in a fresh white blanket of snow.

Olivia walked up behind her and wrapped one arm around her stomach and pulled her back towards her and breathed in the sweet smell of Alex’s hair.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”  Alex agreed. “Something is different though, it’s really…”

“Quite.” Olivia finished for her.

“Yeah, it’s really…there are no cars.”

“You’re right, there are no cars moving…no busses, no taxis…”

“No people.” Alex swallowed.

“I’ll turn on the news.”

The local news anchor confirmed what they had already feared. All trains, planes and automobiles in or out of Manhattan were at a stand still thanks to the “worst blizzard in 15 years”.

“Looks like you’re not going anywhere.” Olivia said feeling simultaneously sad Alex and happy for herself.

A smile swept across the younger woman’s face. 

“Looks like it.”

“Alexandra Cabot, you don’t seem like you’re too disappointed by this.” Olivia said sitting down on the couch beside her.

“Oh I’m absolutely devastated.” Alex said flopping back on to the couch.

“You seem like a woman about to unravel.” Olivia said pulling her knees up on to the couch and turning to face Alex.

“I just don’t know how I am going to get by…”

“I don’t know what you’re going to do.” Olivia said as she fell forward pinning Alex between her arms, hips pressing hard against hers.

“Hmm me either.” Alex said wrapping a hand around the back of Olivia’s neck and pulling her down in to a kiss.

Olivia couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

8 hours earlier…

“Alex what the hell are you doing?” Olivia said as she pulled back from the sneak attack Alex had just made on her lips.

They were standing in Olivia’s kitchen and she was about to hand Alex a glass of wine, she had to concentrate in order to not drop it.

“I’m sorry.” Alex immediately recoiled and backed to the opposite counter.

Olivia brought a hand to her lips, lips that suddenly felt cold, like there was something missing.

“Don’t…don’t…be sorry. I just…you just…I’m not…sure…” Olivia leaned against the sink and sat the glass of wine she was holding on the counter.

“I’m sorry.” Alex repeated.

“Don’t!” Olivia raised her voice. “Don’t Alex, don’t be sorry, be sure…”

Alex looked confused.

“Be sure. Don’t be sorry, please don’t be sorry, just be sure, be sure that this is what you want before you do something like that.”

Alex took a step forward. Olivia turned around and looked down into the sink her hair fell down into her face.

“Olivia.” Alex said softly.

“Alex, I can’t…”

“Can’t what?” Alex asked placing a hand on Olivia’s shoulder urging her to turn around and face her.

“Be your experiment.”

“Is that what you think this is?”

Olivia looked at her feet.

“I am not an 18 year old college student, you know me better than that.” Alex lifted Olivia’s chin with one finger and made her look at her in the eye. “This is no experiment Olivia.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Maybe three and a half hours ago I was, but I am not drunk now. And I wasn’t drunk six months ago when it hit me.”

“What hit you?”

Alex took a long breath, and realized that it was now or never.

“That sometime between when we met and that moment, right after you told me to go to hell and slammed my office door. I fell in love with you.” Alex walked out of the room and picked up her coat from the couch.  Her hand was on the knob when she felt Olivia’s on her back.

“Alex.” Olivia’s voice was no more than a whisper. Alex stopped and stayed facing the door. “I’m not going to let you go out in this blizzard…” Alex felt her heart sink. Good old Olivia thinking of her safety, but saying nothing about the speech she had just made.

“Besides, it must have been about ten seconds after I met you, that it hit me…” Olivia finished turning Alex back around to face her and pressed her lips against hers.

Present…

Olivia’s robe hung open, as she kissed the woman trapped below her. She didn’t realize the extent to which she was exposed until she felt a cool hand run over her warm breast causing a shiver to run down her spine. Alex pushed up against Olivia making her sit back upon her knees as Alex took a breast first in her hand then in her mouth. 

“That’s just not fair.” Olivia said enjoying the view from above Alex’s head.

“Oh.” Alex said looking up at Olivia and playfully flicking her taught nipple with her tongue.

“You’re going to pay for that counselor.”

Alex smiled and repeated the action. Olivia pulled back and stood pulling Alex up with her. She pulled Alex against her and kissed her deeply, distracting her long enough to literally sweep her up off her feet and begin to carry her back to the bed room.

8 hours earlier…

Alex threw her coat on the floor and gripped Olivia’s face between her hands as her tongue danced and fought with Olivia’s.

“Bedroom.” Alex demanded.

Olivia shook her head in agreement before pushing back a swath of blonde hair and trailing kisses on Alex’s neck. Alex quickly lifted her arms asking Olivia to remove the top she’d spent almost an hour picking, considering which one would most make Olivia stop and stare. Olivia took her cue and removed the sweater tossing it to the floor while guiding Alex backwards towards the bedroom.

The pair collapsed together onto the bed knocking heads in the process.

Alex’s hand quickly went up to the now sore spot above her eyebrow.

“I’m so sorry.” Olivia said kissing the red spot begging for forgiveness.

“It’s ok, I guess you aren’t as smooth as I thought you were.” Alex giggled.

Never one to back down from a challenge Olivia reached down and had Alex’s slacks off before she knew it was happening.

“I stand corrected.”

Olivia lowered her head to place soft kisses along Alex’s smooth white stomach. Alex wiggled below her giggling and squirming.

“It tickles!” Alex exclaimed shooting up clocking Olivia in the chin with her elbow in the process.

Olivia flopped back off of Alex and rubbed her sore jaw, laughing.

“I’m not so sure, we’re meant to be doing this.” Olivia said between laughs.

“Oh no you don’t…” Alex said covering Olivia with her body.

Olivia raised an eyebrow.

“You’re not backing out now, not when we’re this close.”

Olivia kissed Alex’s neck.

“You’re not laughing.”

“It isn’t funny.”

Present

“What time is it?” Alex asked rolling toward the night stand.

Olivia glanced at the clock. It was just past midnight, they had been in bed all day.  Talking, making love, watching tv, getting to know one and other on a whole new level. After listening as Alex called her mother and told her the sad news about not being home for Christmas, they talked for hours about all the pieces of their lives that had taken them to this point. All the things that though they had known each other for a long time, had never been said.

“It’s past twelve.” Olivia answered.

“Merry Christmas.” Alex said with a smile.

“Merry Christmas Alex.” Olivia said kissing her.

“You think Santa Claus is coming?” Alex asked with a giggle.

“I don’t know why he would, I already got what I wanted for Christmas.”

December  25^th 1976

The clock by Olivia Bensons bed side turned to three a.m. and her mother still was not home. She wondered to herself if she was ok, if she had gotten stuck in the storm, and if she even remembered that tomorrow – today was Christmas.  Most children in this city were sleeping, and if they weren’t most were too excited, filled with the anticipation of Santa Clause and presents, not Olivia. She lay awake scared and lonely knowing her mother had forgotten her again. 

Olivia woke to the sound of knocking at the apartment door, she didn’t remember falling asleep but she must have, it was light out side the window and snow was falling. As she crawled out of bed she hoped that her mother would be standing there arms full of packages.  It was not her mother; it was Mrs. Wolski the neighbor from across the hall who knew everything that happened in the building one way or another.

Olivia opened the door.

“Merry Christmas Olivia.” Mrs. Wolski was smiling the smile that said she knew something, she wasn’t ready to tell.

“Merry Christmas Mrs. Wolski.” Olivia replied wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“How are you doing my dear?” Again smiling uncomfortably at Olivia.

“I’m ok, did you want to come in?”

“No, no, dear I actually came to let you know that your mother is ok.”

Olivia’s heart sank.  She did her best to hide her mother from her friends and keep her from embarrassing her publicly and she hated that Mrs. Wolski knew the truth.

“Oh.” Was about all the soon to be teenager could muster, not knowing what she meant, or how she knew her mother was ok.

“She came in last night and I think she must have been very…” Mrs. Wolski paused. “Tired, because she tried opening my door, can you imagine? Anyway, dear I don’t think she had her keys and we didn’t want to wake you so she’s sleeping over at my house.”

“I’ll be right over to get her.”

“Oh now she’s a big girl Olivia. Why don’t you not worry about that right now and come on over and I’ll make you a nice Christmas breakfast with all the fixings?”

Olivia looked back over her shoulder at the tiny Christmas tree behind her, the only package laying beneath it was the one she had put there for her mother a week ago.

“Sure Mrs. Wolski, breakfast would be great. Let me get dressed ok.”

“Absolutely dear, take your time. How do you like your eggs?”

“Scrambled please.” Olivia said shuffling nervously, staring at her feet.

Mrs.Wolski could see that the girl before her was wise beyond her years and was more the mother than the child, she gently touched Olivia’s chin and brought her eyes to up to meet her own.

“She’s going to be ok you know.” She said reassuringly.

“I know.” Olivia’s voice barely a whisper.

“You know your mom had a couple of bags with her when she came home last night…”

Olivia understood what Mrs. Wolski was trying to do but after twelve years with her mother she knew better than to get her hopes up.

“Well alright, get dressed the door will be open come on in when you’re ready.”

“Thank you.” Olivia smiled and quickly shut the door behind her she knew that she would not be able to hold the tears back much longer, her eyes burned from the struggle.  As the latch clicked the first tears fell.

Olivia closed her eyes and clenched them tight and dreamed of the day when she would have her own family and be able to celebrate the holidays the way she always wanted to, the way everyone else did. Just her and the ones she loved gathered together, giving and receiving, laughing and loving as the snow fell outside on the streets below. 

December 25^th, 1989

Olivia sat in her police cruiser watching the snow fall covering the city in white making everything look white and new. This was her third Christmas on the force, she always volunteered to work so other officers could be home with their families and so she didn’t have to be anywhere near hers.

To be honest, she liked the quiet of this night, only made quieter by the weather keeping most everyone in their homes. She looked at her watch as she shifted the car into gear and headed down Avenue A it was almost 8 a.m. the city would be awake soon. Children opening their presents, parents smiling, families gathered together for Christmas lunches and dinners. Olivia was lost in her thoughts of Christmas morning when she noticed two young children running toward her on the sidewalk waving hysterically and yelling. 

Olivia stopped the car and quickly got out of the car.

“You two alright?” She yelled as they got closer.

“Our mama, she needs help, please help her.” The older one cried grabbing Olivia’s hand and pulling her back in the direction she had come from.

They lead her back down the block and into an abandoned lot, and into the back of a full sized van that looked like it must have been their home. An older boy was kneeling next to a woman Olivia presumed was their mother.  She radioed for an ambulance as she checked for a pulse, it was weak but there. The children sat scared against the side of the van the look in their eyes pleading with Olivia to save their mother.

When they got to the hospital Olivia sat with the children as they waited to hear about their mother. Once it was clear it was going to take a while Olivia did the only thing she could think to do.

“You guys hungry?” She asked looking into their big scared eyes.

All three nodded.

“Let’s get you some breakfast while we wait to hear about your mom ok?” As she said it she remembered that Christmas what felt like so very long ago when Mrs. Wolski made her Christmas breakfast and didn’t say a word about her mothers drinking problem. She gave her a present too, her first Nancy Drew novel. She must have read that book a thousand times over the years on nights she was home alone waiting for her mother.

She guessed it was true what they said, everything happens for a reason.

Never do you cease to amaze me, always crazy and in love you make me.  

            “Hand me the razor please.” Was all I asked, as I held out my hand not looking back in your direction, a razor was what I expected to get. After all this was your project I was doing. However instead of the handle of the knife I feel your hand in my palm, tracing down my so called life line and up my wrist taking hold and wrapping my own arm around my body with yours.

            “Hey baby, whatcha doing?” I asked as I felt your warm breath on the cool sensitive skin on my neck, as always you send a shiver down my spine.

            “Nothing.” Came your best innocent voice as I felt you press your body to mine.

            “I thought you wanted your cabinets lined.” I growl.

            “Mmhm. I did?” You tell me, as you push harder against my back and I feel my hip bones ache against the counter top from the pressure.

            “You did.” I confirm as you slip your hand under the hem of my tank top and lazily make circles on my stomach. “And now?” I ask as I feel your fingers make their decent from the top of my ribs back down to my hip and just under the band of my briefs.

            “And now, I know why you wore this…” I feel your teeth tease my shoulder and I go weak in my knees.

            “Oh?” I am partly curious and partly sure that you are going to tease me into submission just to ask me if we can go to the hardware store and pick up the closet organizational system you’ve been eyeing.

            “Yeah.” You say your voice no more than a whisper. I am dying to look at your face but you show no signs of letting me free from my completely blissful captivity. Your fingertips are filled with fire I swear they scald my skin. This is so completely unlike you, yet in the way that it is unlike you it makes it just like you. Predictable you are not but bold always.

            “Baby.” I say half speaking half begging to be released and you finally allow me to turn to you and I meet your mouth half way and kiss you just the way you ask me to. Slowly, softly, sweetly, just the way you like it. It seems however the norm is not part of your game and you begin to punish my lips with yours, sucking them, nipping them assaulting them completely with your lips, your teeth, your tongue.

            My need for you, the woman I love, and this new and unfamiliar woman you have morphed into, is maddening and I wonder how long you are going to be able to keep this break neck pace that you have established. I try to retreat, pull back from your onslaught of affections but you won’t allow it, this is your game, you make the rules and it is apparent my only role is to follow them. I feel you move back, only by a breath to allow for my tank top to be removed, before catching my swollen lips with yours once more. The cool breeze from the open window chills my skin, a sharp contrast to the heat I feel radiating off of your body as you hold it impossibly close to mine and your fingers trace along the delicate peaks and valleys of my breasts.

            I try to say your name but only a sigh is allowed to escape my lips, my throat is dry as I have not had enough time to think let alone swallow. Your warm lips trace their way down my neck and to my breasts, and the pressure of your teeth against the sensitive skin is the kind of unbearable pleasure I was sure only happened in the trashy romance novels you keep hidden in the bottom of your sock drawer. My fingers find their way into a tangle of your beautiful golden hair and your hand finds mine as I try to show you just what you are doing to me. Apparently touching you is against the rules you have made and your nod tells me so. How can you be telling me no, when all I want to do is scream yes? The thought is fleeting because you are making it impossible to think, and somehow we’re on the floor cool linoleum against my back. Thankfully you allow me to remove your shirt, and the sight of your perfect skin causes me to release the breath I wasn’t aware I was holding.

            I have no idea what has gotten in to you, for a split second I wonder if this is just how badly you wanted the cabinets re-lined. The thought is as fleeting as it is silly, and I join you in this moment again. The hard floor is killing my back but the pain is temporary as the endorphins take over and you’re inside me without warning. I gasp without realizing it and your laugh is almost maniacal.  My legs are quivering already and I feel like there is an explosion building inside me. I try to slow you but you will not have it. Words won’t form so protest is not an option, and my mind blurs into a flood of white. I shiver and shudder, and stutter what I think are words but by the look on your face are nothing but gibberish.  

            Your smirk is that of complete satisfaction. Smug you are about still being able to find a way to surprise me. Just when I think I have you all figured out, you go and do something like that. I’d speak but I do not trust that there are words in my head to express what I am thinking or feeling at this exact moment, so I do the only think I know I still can and kiss you. Softly, sweetly, slowly, the way you like to be kissed.

            It is as if the spell is broken and you have returned to Ms. Hyde, Dr. Jackal recedes into memory. You accept my touch as I run my hand down your neck and over your beautiful breasts down to your navel and I stop just shy of your hip and make my way back again. My tongue traces your lips softly and slowly, as I feel your warm at my finger tips. I love the way you feel, warm and welcoming, as I roll you over on to your back I feel a pull on my hair, and I realize that in our haste my head was laid on to the sticky backing of the contact paper meant for the cabinets.

            “Ow!” I can’t help but break the moment for the pain leaping from my scalp.

            I see your face as you realize what has happened and your face immediately breaks into a smile as a laugh escapes you in spite of yourself.

            “A little help here.” I ask and your giggles prove to be everything but helpful in my quest for freedom of my sticky situation. But it is true what they say about giggles they are contagious and I can’t help but join you. For the moment I forget about the problem at hand and find something else at my hand. Your smile fades, jaw left open in its wake and your breathing grows more labored. I feel the tugging on my hair but I don’t care as I watch your chest rise and fall, there is nothing but this moment right now right here absurdly on the kitchen floor. Your muscles are tightening around me and you’re holding your breath I wonder how long you can go before you release yourself and your breath. When the moment arrives you go practically limp beneath me, eyes closed, lazy half cocked grin on your face.

            I lean back against the cabinet door allowing my head to lay back so the pull of the sticky contact paper is bearable. Your eyes squint open and you notice my predicament once more and laugh that gorgeous laugh of yours.  

            “Any chance you’re going to help me with this?” I ask as you crawl towards me.

            “Ouch!” I yelp as you pull gently on the paper, causing you to yelp with glee again. “You enjoy causing me pain?” I ask poking your ribs.

            “Eh.” You shrug with a smile.

            “What’s gotten in to you Alex?” I wonder aloud.

            “You.” Simple and true, your answer, the same for me is you.

Authors Notes: This is going to be the last installment for a while, I have about a million things I have to get through in the last few weeks before the big day. Don’t count me completely out though, I can’t get through most days without writing something so look for a one shot or two perhaps. I promise as soon as my impending nuptials are behind me and things are back to normal I will return. And I just want to give a big thanks to my lovely friend Amy for reading this about 2,000 times before I finished and talking me off the ledge more than once. I know I am a little crazy, can we blame it on the wedding??

After Boom.

“What are you doing here, you’re not supposed to be in until tomorrow.” Elliot said as Olivia walked in to the squad room and sat at her desk.

“I’m not here. Don’t worry about it.” She flipped open a file and hoped that Elliot wasn’t feeling chatty either.

“You look pretty here to me.”

“Yeah well I’m not.” Olivia snapped shooting Elliot a get back stare.

“Crappy attitude, here in the middle of the day on your Saturday off, I’d say trouble in paradise?” Elliot teased.

“Well you’re wrong.” Olivia said turning the page.

“Come on, fess up, what’d ya do?” Elliot asked as he made his way to pour them each a cup of stale coffee.

“What makes you think I did something?” Olivia said taking the offering from Elliot and taking a drink.

“Innocent people rarely leave the scene of the crime…detective 101.” Elliot said kicking his feet up on his desk to exaggerate his point.

“Yeah well you have it wrong. And seriously have you guys not made a fresh pot since I left?” She said pushing the toxic coffee away from her.

“Mmmm new pot, same grounds.” Elliot said with a wink. “Come on Liv, I’m just teasing ya, what’s going on? Maybe I can help ya know I’ve been with the same women for the last 17 years. You don’t do that with out picking up a thing or two about women.”

“I am a woman, I think I know a thing or two about them. And anyway it’s nothing. We’re fine.”

“So we’ve gone from no trouble, to trouble but it isn’t your fault, to you’re fine nothings wrong at all again.”

“We had a fight Elliot, it’s nothing it will blow over I just needed to get out of the house and clear my head. I might as well catch up on some paperwork while I’m at it.”

“If you say so.” Elliot said going back to his paperwork.

Olivia fidgeted at her desk a while longer before she couldn’t take it anymore.

“What do you and Kathy fight about most?” Olivia asked suddenly shutting her file.

“Money, hands down. Where it comes from, where it goes, how much goes where…yeah money.” Elliot said with a sigh.

“Well at least that is the same no matter who you are.” Olivia got up and dumped the disgusting coffee out and threw the two day old grounds in the trash. 

“Ah, money troubles?” Elliot asked as Olivia refilled the carafe and switched on the pot.

“You could say that.” Olivia said rubbing her temples, she felt like her head was about to split open.

“I thought Alex had family money…”

“She does.” She rolled her eyes and sat back down.

“Then what is the problem.” Elliot asked confused.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me."

Olivia sighed and looked off at nothing, just trying to think of how to explain the situation made her aware of how unreasonable she was being. She hated that she could rationalize it in her head but somehow in her heart she still felt like she wasn't, nor would she ever been deserving of Alex, that feeling went so much deeper than the money that it wasn't about the money at all really.

   "You ever feel like..." Olivia swallowed. "You ever feel like Kathy might be better off without you. Not that you aren't a great father, or husband...I'm not saying that I just mean..."

"You think maybe Alex would be better off without you. Yeah I understand. I've been there. Its hard."

"I don't know it's like her having that money reminds me of all I can't give her, when all I want to do is give her everything. She deserves it..."

"So do you Olivia."

"Hmmph." Olivia rolled her eyes and sat forward in her chair coming to rest her head in her hands.

"That's your problem right there Liv, you don't think you're worth it."

"Don't try to shrink me Elliot."

"I'm not trying to shrink you." Elliot said with a chuckle, Olivia could be the most unreasonable person in the room if she really put her mind to it.

"Yeah, I think you are." Olivia said defensively.

"If I were trying to shrink you, which I am not, I would mention how defensive you get when you know you are wrong."

"You're the one who's wrong El."

"Oh yeah? I'm wrong huh? Tell me one thing you think you deserve."

"A break from this line of bull shit for starters."

"Hey you are free to go, you're not on the clock." Elliot said safely assuming she was not ready to leave and go back and face whatever was going on between her and Alex.

"Forget I said anything."

"If you say so." Elliot said getting back to his work.

They had barely been working another few minutes when Cragens office door flew open and he stepped out into the bull pen, eyes locked on Olivia.

"Benson, my office...now!"

Olivia started to explain herself before the door has a chance to shut.

"I'm not on the clock cap, just thought I would get a jump on Monday."

"I will not be your hiding place Benson." Cragen said taking a seat at his desk.

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked confused.

"Have a seat Olivia."

Reluctantly she sat at the chair across from him and waited for an explanation.

"I will not be your hiding place, I will not let you hide in your work when things get hard for you."

"Who says things are hard? Who says I'm hiding?" Olivia said glaring at  Elliot.

"Don't blame Elliot., Alex called."

"Damn it Alex."

"Don't blame her either."

"Cap, if you need me out of here I'll go." Olivia said walking towards the door.

"Sit down Olivia."

"Nah, Cap, its ok...I'll hide out somewhere else for a while."

"Sit...down...Olivia. That's an order detective." She could tell by the tone he wasn’t playing around.

Reluctantly Olivia closed the door and sat down.

"Why are you here Olivia?"

"I just thought I would get a jump on Monday like I said."

"That isn't why you are here and we both know it. You haven't been in on a day off in months, not since Alex, so cut the crap what's going on."

"I don't see how it is any of your business Captain, I am sorry Alex bugged you with it."

"Why are you here Olivia?" The captain asked again wanting an answer.

"Well Alex called you right...you tell me."

"She just asked if you were here Olivia nothing more. From the looks of things you are just being stubborn."

"I'm not being stubborn Captain. I am being the same person I have always been."

"My point exactly, that is what worries me. Over the last several months I have seen a change in you Olivia, and not a bad one."

"You can't change a person captain." Olivia said standing and looking out the window into the squad room.

"Sure you, can and Alex has changed you."

"Maybe I don't want to be changed." Olivia knew her tone wasn’t appropriate, but she didn’t care, he wanted to talk about this, she wasn’t going to make it easy for him.

"Maybe you didn't have a choice, maybe you didn't even realize it was happening. Like it or not Olivia, Alex has changed you and for the better. Last year you were hanging on by a thread. I had given some serious thought to having you reassigned; you were too involved you took things too hard. Even when you left the prescient you never left the job. As shocking as your relationship with Alex was to me, it has made you a better detective. Everyone needs someone to ease the pressure, especially in our line of work, everyone deserves to smile now and then."

"I wasn't hanging on by a thread." Olivia took the comment as a slap in the face.

"Call it what you want Benson, but if I were you I'd get over myself and I'd go home to Alex and fix whatever is going on with you two."

"It's not so cut and dry cap." Olivia said sitting back down and running her hands through her short dark hair.

"It never is Olivia. You have to realize it isn't just about you anymore. You're used to being on your own, not having someone to answer to I get that. I want you to really think about that though, when were you happier then...or now?" Cragen paused and picked up a picture from his desk. "Take my word for it Olivia, you don't want to be alone, you'll miss her when she's gone."

"How did you do it Cap?" Olivia said realizing what he was alluding to.

"Do what?"

"Stay married for so many years, stay happy, even with the job."

"I guess the easiest answer is she made it easy, every day, every call, when things got to be just too much I'd just remember at the end of the day I'd be home with her. Life is easier when you have someone to share it with Benson."

"I just feel like she deserves better than what I can give her cap, than what I am."

"And just what do you think that is?"

"A no named mutt, a rapist for a father, and a drunk for a mother. I am nothing from no where, and she is Alexandra Cabot of the Connecticut Cabots. She was born into this life of greatness and she has filled the role, what have I done?" Cragen saw the pain in Olivia’s eyes as she told him the truth for the first time since he called her in to his office.

"You've made yourself into someone you can be proud of, someone Alex can be proud of, and someone that I am proud of. You're one of the most decorated detectives in SVU and you put the bad guys away. Alex knew who you were before you got involved you'd worked together for a long time, she knew what she was getting in to Olivia." He said trying to reassure a woman who had never needed much reassuring.

"I'm just scared that one day I am going to wake up and she'll be gone, she'll have realized that I am not who she sees herself with. I'm not the kind of person who was sure she'd even have a future, let alone someone you can have a future with."

"A long time ago back when I joined the force I thought for sure Maggie would leave. She was not happy when I took my oath to protect and serve, thought it was too dangerous, but I was stubborn and it was what I was going to do. There was a while there I was sure she'd just as soon leave me as be married to a cop but she didn't. She stuck it out twenty years. I can't say I was perfect in those twenty years, and I can't say she wasn't. Every day when I left for work, it was the same thing, 'come home safe Donald'. When we found out she had cancer, I found out first hand how she felt every time I left for work. Not knowing if I would come back that night, not sure what the future would hold for us. I always knew she loved me, but it was then that I realized how much you have to love someone, to let them walk out the door day in and day out, not knowing for sure that they will come home again. When she passed, I didn't know what I would do, I spent a lot of lonely nights in the bottom of a bottle trying to drink the pain away. The point I am trying to make here is, you can’t protect Alex from loving you, she already does. And even if I knew from the start, that I would end up loosing her too soon, that I would be the one left without her… I wouldn't change a thing. Risk and reward Olivia, that is what love is. Alex put a lot on the line because she loves you, you need to believe that, hold on to that and not let it go. If you let doubt in, you'll never make it, not for a second. You have to trust your instincts, you have to trust your gut and know that she's with you because she loves you. So you may have to compromise a little, would you rather always have it your way and be alone, or give a little and have someone to come home to? You've got to stop selling yourself short Olivia, Alex is no fool I don't think she thought you would wake up one day and walk away from SVU and start working on Wall Street, she knows who you are and near as I can tell she loves who you are.”

"I jus..." Olivia started.

"Olivia, go home. Make it right, and I don't want to see your mug back here until Monday got it?" Cragen said giving her a stern look.

"Yes sir." Olivia said.

"And Olivia...” He started.

"It's between you and me Cap." Olivia replied knowing what he was about to ask her.

"Good."

Olivia didn't go straight home from the prescient, she meandered down the sidewalks of the city thinking about what the captain had said, looking in the windows, thinking about all the things that she and Alex had made it through together, all the things that Olivia could have never made it through without her. The more she thought about things, the more she realized how foolish she had been.

Alex was sitting on the sofa when she walked through the door.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said walking over to her and sitting down.

"Me too.”

"I shouldn't have left like that, I know it worries you when I just leave."

Alex nodded.

"I'm sorry I called Cragen, I just needed to know you were safe."

"I know, and it's ok we actually had a really good talk."

"Oh yeah."

"Yeah."

"Care to fill me in?" Alex asked curious.

"Actually its kind of..."

"Private?" Alex knew from the look on Olivia’s face she didn’t want to talk about it just yet.

"Yeah. I hope that's ok."

"Of course it's ok.”

Olivia leaned in to Alex’s shoulder and picked up her hand and traced a finger over its top.

“You still want to move in with me?” Olivia asked after a moment.

“Of course I do.” Alex said wrapping her arms around Olivia pulling her on top of her.

Olivia looked into the deep blue eyes of her partner and thought about what the Captain had said, which was more important having her way, or having Alex.

“You’re more important.” Olivia said without thinking.

“I am? Than what?” Alex asked confused.

“Any of my bull shit. I’m so sorry we have to keep going through it all.”

“Eh, I knew you were kind of neurotic when I put the moves on ya.” Alex said with a giggle pulling Olivia down to meet her in a kiss.

“You think you put the moves on me?” Olivia said with a laugh. “Oh no counselor, I hate to remind you but I put the moves on you.”

“So….” Alex said a hopeful expression on her face.

“So?”

“Are we going to do it?” Alex asked.

Olivia flashed a wicked grin before answering.

“I sure hope so.” She said leaning down to kiss Alex’s neck.

“Not, that it. I mean, are we going to do it, are we really going to find a place together?”

“Oh…that it.” Olivia pretended she was really confused and watched Alex turn an adorable shade of red.

“Yes. Let’s do it. Let’s find a place together and move in and live happily ever after.” Olivia said dramatically, intentionally over playing her comment.

“Do you mean that?” Alex asked taking Olivia’s face in her hands. Her eyes searched her partners face for the punch line and hoped that it wouldn’t come; if it did it might break her heart irreparably.

Olivia could see it written all over Alex’s face, she desperately hoped that she meant what she said, and as she lay there looking at Alex in that moment she was certain that she meant every word.

“Of course I do.” Olivia said capturing Alex’s mouth in a kiss.

“What about…” Alex started to say as she pulled away.

“Alex honey, we’ll figure it out.” Olivia said trailing kisses down her neck.

“I just don’t want you to…”

“Alex, sweetie I won’t, I’ll be fine.” Olivia pulled gently on the hem of Alex’s t-shirt, Alex sat up just enough to allow for the garments removal and lay back onto the couch.

“Because I don’t want to…”

“Alex, don’t worry about it. Come on baby…” Olivia said running her hand behind her and releasing the clasp on her bra throwing it quickly to the side before taking Alex’s breast in her warm hand and flicking at her nipple playfully with her tongue.

“Olivia…” Alex sighed.

Olivia grunted.

“Alex sweet heart, I’m doing some of my best work here…” She said growing frustrated with Alex’s interruptions.

“Mmm that I’m aware, don’t let me stop you.” Alex said as Olivia’s hand dipped under the waist band of her shorts.

Once they were both properly adorned in nothing but a few pieces of jewelry Alex set out to remind Olivia just how much she loved that couch.

“Sit up.” Alex commanded.

Olivia groaned into Alex’s mouth not wanting to relinquish her control.

“Olivia, sit up.” Alex repeated.

Olivia reluctantly pulled her body from atop Alex and sat on the couch. Alex immediately sat directly on top of Olivia, straddling her lap causing immediate bolts of electricity to shoot through them as their cores aligned. Alex took one of Olivia’s ear lobes in her mouth and nibbled gently at first before biting down harder and pulling with her teeth eliciting a reaction of both pleasure and pain. Olivia couldn’t help but buck under Alex’s weight, it all was too intense. Alex bared her weight down hard against Olivia as she began to slowly rock against her. Olivia’s nails dug into Alex’s ass as she joined in the rhythm. Olivia couldn’t believe the feelings she was experiencing and just when she was sure she couldn’t take any more Alex slipped from her position quickly down to her knees in front of Olivia. Before Olivia even realized she was gone she felt Alex’s warm tongue tracing the inside of her thigh as two of her skilled fingers entered her without warning.

“Alex…” Olivia moaned taking a handful of blonde hair in her hand.

Alex continued to work her magic fingers inside Olivia as she trailed her tongue over to her waiting and wanting clit, flicking it playfully before sucking, nibbling and licking Olivia over the edge. Her thighs clenched and held Alex prisoner as she rode through the waves of unparalleled bliss.

Proud of her work and completely spent Alex crawled back up onto the couch with Olivia who wrapped her in her arms and pulled her closer with her still trembling legs.

“You’re right.” Olivia said, kissing the back of Alex’s glistening neck.

“About?”

“This is a great couch, we can’t get rid of it.” Olivia said with a laugh.

“Amen.”

Hey guys thanks for all the input the more the better. This chapter is a two parter it was just getting too long so I cropped it. Sorry to leave you hanging but I promise I won’t leave you dangling long! Thanks again for all the wonderful feed back!  ~Paige~

Tick, tick, tick…Boom!

"You know what I mean..." Alex said playfully hitting Olivia in the arm and trying to hold in a laugh.
    "Oh I know what you mean." Olivia said easily picking up Alex and throwing her on the couch before jumping on top of her and playfully nibbling on her neck.
    "This is not what I meant by that..." Alex smiled pushing Olivia up and taking her face in her hands making her shake her head no.

"Sure it is.” Olivia said with a kiss.

“Now.” Olivia cocked her brow and kissed Alex again.

 “Why.” A kiss on her neck.

 “Would.”  Kiss on the forehead.

 “ You.” Olivia kissed Alex one more time on the lips before finishing. “Want to move to a place where we wouldn't be on top of each other all the time?"
    "With you, I don't think that place exists!" Alex joked poking Olivia in her ribs causing her to squeal. 

"You think we're ready for this?" Olivia asked bracing herself on her arms as she looked at Alex.

"There's only one way to find out." Alex said kissing Olivia.

"You realize that means all my stuff not just my gym bag and some clothes, will be around, all the time."

"Hmmmm.” Alex tapped the tip of her nose with a finger.  “Almost all your stuff..."

"What, what do you mean almost." Olivia said sitting up.

“Ummm the Madonna poster you think I don’t know you have hanging in the back of your closet for starters.” Alex said with a laugh.

Olivia blushed. “Oh no, Madonna stays, she’ll stay in the back of the closet where she has lived forever, but she stays. You can’t throw out Madonna, I am pretty sure it is a cardinal sin, I’ll have to ask Elliot but I think so.”

“Really, cause I don’t remember that Madonna in the bible.”

“Madonna stays…what else?” Olivia asked.

“Well…” Alex hesitated she had a feeling this conversation was going to head south, and fast.

“Come on you said the poster for starters, what else about my apartment do you hate?”

“Well your couch is a little hideous.” Alex shut her eyes and turned away as if she thought Olivia might pop her one for saying so.

“Its just a khaki couch it goes with anything how is it hideous?” She was a little offend that Alex was tearing down her things, that she liked, that she picked out, that she had missed the last few months while living in Alex’s perfectly kept apartment.

“It is broken down…” Alex argued.

“Broken in, thank you.” Olivia said defending her couch.

“It sags.” Alex pointed out.

“It’s comfortable.”

“It smells.”

“Oh it doesn’t smell, you’re being silly.” Olivia said getting up and walking across the room.

“It smells Liv, it smells like you have had it for way to long. Spilt one too many beers on it, had one too many nights I don’t want to think about on it. ”

“Seven years isn’t that long for furniture.”

“Seven years! You’ve had that poor couch for seven years.” Alex was shocked.

“Hey it has sentimental value that was my first big purchase when I made detective.”

“We’ll use this couch, this is a good couch, we’ve made lots of memories on this couch.”

“So what you and I are going to get a place together but I just get to bring my clothes and you get to bring everything you’ve ever owned?” Alex didn’t like the tone Olivia was taking about this, she could tell this was turning into a fight she didn’t want to have again.

“That’s not what I am saying Liv. I just think this couch is nicer than yours, and we won’t need two couches.”

“So now your stuff is nicer than my stuff?” Olivia ranted.

“It’s just newer is all, you know what I mean.” Alex would rather pull out her hair than have this same fight again.

“Yeah, I think I do and it really stinks Alex. Am I ever going to really be good enough for you? I think that is something you need to really think about, before we decide we’re going to move in together.”

“Liv don’t, of course you are good enough for me. You’re the only one for me.”

“I don’t doubt you love me Alex, I know you love me. I just think sometimes you get so wrapped up in everything you think you’re pushing me to be better or whatever but have you ever thought that this is who I am? This is who I want to be? You’re not going to change me.” Olivia felt like a broken record.

“Not liking your couch doesn’t mean I want to change you. It just means I don’t like your couch.” Alex was growing annoyed with the conversation and really just wanted to move on from it.

"I want us to live together. I want us to be together, but Alex you're going to have to start to really understand that this..." She said gesturing to her pile of belonging by the door. "These things, the mess that I am the mess that my life tends to be, this is me. This is who you love, I'm not going to suddenly turn into a delicate flower..."

"And if you did I'd have to leave you, I'm definitely not the delicate flower kind of girl. Olivia, really if it is that big of a deal we'll keep that couch, I promise it wasn't some metaphor for my not liking you the way you are, it  was really just a statement about furniture that I don't care for. We don't even have to take this couch, we could buy a new couch, hell we could buy all new furniture, whatever we decide."

"Yeah like we have the money for that." Olivia scoffed.

"I do. And I'd be happy to do it, if it meant you'd be more comfortable." Alex knew she just pulled the pin, and waited for Olivia to explode, going so far as to count it down, three, two, one…

"I'm not going to sit back and have you redecorate a new apartment we don't even have yet. I'm not going to freeload off my girlfriend thanks." Boom! Alex thought to herself as Olivia started on her tear.

"I never said you were..." She tried to stay calm and not rip Olivia’s head off but if there was one thing Alex couldn’t stand it was an unreasonable woman.

"Listen Alex, I didn't grow up with money ok, my mom had to work hard for everything we had, I think we just see things differently. I don't want to be your charity case, I want to be your partner and it just feels like you think you have to take care of me and you don't. I'm a big girl, I've been talking care of myself for a lot longer than you have. I'm fine with getting a new place, I'm even fine with getting a new couch but I am not just going to let you pay for everything." Olivia hadn't realized her voice slowly gaining volume as she explained herself to Alex.

 Alex didn't know what to think or what to say. On one hand she understood how Liv was feeling it was typical Liv, she wanted to be the one taking care of everything and everyone. She'd always known that her money made Olivia uncomfortable and she knew that she worried that as a lawyer a detective wasn't the prize partner she'd always dreamed about but she was wrong about that as well. On the other hand she was kind of furious that Olivia could boil down their relationship to a caste system that didn't exist to anyone but her. So Alex had family money and a respectable job, she shouldn't have to feel bad about those things and Olivia was wrong to make her think otherwise. It wasn't like Olivia was low class, she had a very respectable job, and made decent money the only person that felt like Olivia wasn't good enough for Alex, was Olivia and it was driving her mad.

"Come off it Liv!" Alex shouted finally loosing her cool. "Seriously. You have got to get over this, you are not going to make me feel bad about being able to take care of us. Not you, us. What does it matter what I do or what you do, or who makes what..." Alex was almost pleading with Olivia to be sensible.

"Or who has daddies little trust fund..." Olivia mocked.

"Ok you know what, before I was going to be nice, but that's bullshit Olivia and you know it. I am not going to apologize for myself anymore. Have I ever, said anything to you about not being good enough for me? Not making enough money for me? Not having the kind of job I want you to have? No I haven't, because it doesn't matter one bit to me. But obviously it matters a whole hell of a lot to you." Alex stormed off into the bedroom slamming the door behind her. Olivia picked up her coat and walked out the front door.

Authors Notes: Thanks for all the feed back, keep it coming. I love reviews, if I know what you like, I can give you more!! Hope you enjoy it!

Perceptions.

Olivia shifted her weight to her other foot and continued to stand next to the bar sipping her dirty martini, watching Alex interact with her peers, waiting for her to make good on her promise to be right back. This just wasn’t her scene and she felt like everyone in the room knew it, but the invite came addressed to Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson, not guest a first for the two of them. After the hell that Alex had gone through with her office, all the publicity from her last case of which little was about the fact she had won it. It was nice to have something to look forward to, something to get dressed up for and show everyone their relationship was more than just fodder for the gossip mill and the local papers.

            “You look miserable.” A familiar voice said before ordering her drink.

            “Hey Casey. Not miserable, just a little miffed.” She nodded toward Alex who was in the middle of a conversation with the DA and the rest of the boys club.

            “She can charm a crowd can’t she?” Casey’s remark wasn’t backhanded, it was simply the truth, it was one of the reasons Alex was such a good lawyer, she could certainly captivate people.

            “That she can.” Olivia agreed with a smile. “You here alone?” Olivia asked immediately regretting her phrasing.

            “Why yes, I am thank you for reminding me.”

            “Sorry that wasn’t how I meant it.” Olivia reassured Casey.

            “I know, no offense taken.”

            “It just surprises me is all, I thought…”

            “You thought I was with Kyle.” Casey said taking a sip of her drink.

            “That’s the rumor.”

            “Yeah well, you of all people should know about the rumor mill around here.”

            “I’m sorry.” Olivia felt badly and she wasn’t helping this situation at all though Casey’s presents were definitely peeking Alex’s interest. She stole a glance back in her direction frequently since Casey showed up.

            “I didn’t figure you for a black tie ball kind of girl.” Casey said trying to save face and change the subject.

            “I think I can hold my own.” Olivia said straightening her dress and sipping her drink. “It’s good to dress up now and then, remind myself I’m a woman.”

            “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to...that was rude of me. Perhaps I am projecting my feelings on to you, I really hate these kind of things.”

            “We can call it even.” Olivia said with a laugh. “Why do you hate these things so much? These are your peers, I’m the one who is a fish out of water.”

            “Look at Alex. Bell of the ball, DA’s favorite daughter, walked through fire and came out shining like a diamond. Guess I still feel like the red headed step child of the DA’s office.”

            “Ah Casey, you’re the new kid on the block, you’ll find your groove.”

            “I’ve been with SVU for nearly six months Olivia, and other than about a case this is the first time we have talked. I’m just not likeable.”

            “You’re likeable, and as far as I go, I don’t know I guess I haven’t given you a fair shake, so much going on with Alex and I. Maybe you’re a little rough around the edges, and perhaps Alex is more prim and proper than you are but you’re good at your job.”

            “I know I’m good, but Alex was great.”

            As if on cue a loud outburst of laughter came from Alex’s and her audience. Olivia watched as Alex finally locked eyes with her and excused herself from the crowd.

            “Trying to steal my date Novack?” Alex joked walking up to Olivia pecking her cheek and taking her hand.

            “No, no, wouldn’t dream of it. Besides she’s not really my type.” Casey joked.

            “You sure have them eating out of your hand.” Olivia said turning to Alex with a smile.

            “What can I say; I found a way into the boys club.” Alex said with a smile.

            “What is that?” Casey asked almost too curious.

            “Not sleeping with the boys.” Alex’s tone almost accused Casey of breaking the rule.

            “What did Kyle tell you?” Casey asked defensively.

            Alex laughed. “He didn’t tell me anything Casey, you however…”

            Casey picked up her drink and walked away clearly upset by what had just transpired.

            “Nice job Alex.” Olivia said rolling her eyes.

            “What I was joking, she just took it personal.”

            “What is your problem with her?” Olivia asked annoyed.

            “I don’t have a problem with her, I was as I said, joking.”

            “You know as well as I do, you’ve never liked her.”

            “She is my replacement Olivia, I’m not supposed to like her, but I do think you have it confused, she’s always acted suspicious around me.”

            “You ever think you might be a little intimidating?”

            “How?” Alex snapped.

            “You were the darling of the SVU now you’re the queen of homicide and you’ve got the DA eating out of your hand. Perhaps she feels she can’t compete.”

            “I guess I didn’t realize we were competing.” Alex scoffed taking a drink from her wine.

            “You know what I mean.”

            “Well if this is a competition perhaps she’d like to start winning cases. I can’t believe you are defending her, you said yourself you miss me at work.”

            “Because I miss you anytime I am not with you Alex, and I am not with you when I am at work.”

            “And because you miss seeing perps locked up.”

            “That isn’t fair.”

            “Isn’t it?”

            “She hasn’t hit her stride yet, she’s getting there.”

            “Well lets hope she gets there soon, this city isn’t as safe with her prosecuting.”

            “Alex I can’t believe you are acting this way, we’re all supposed to be on the same side here.”

            “You’re the one who said this was a competition.”

            “What is your problem?”

            “I’m sorry Liv, I guess I just don’t care for her…but you two look awfully chummy.”

            “You can not be serious. Alexandra Cabot, you’re not jealous of Casey.”

            “I never said I was jealous, I was just stating a fact.”

            “I’m not even going to get into this with you, you’re crazy for even saying anything.”

            “Judge Donnelly.” Alex said shooting Olivia a behave yourself look as Donnelly approached.

            “Alexandra, Olivia, nice to see you at one of these dreadful affairs.”

            Olivia smiled politely and let Alex do the talking.

            “It’s not so bad.” Alex said smiling and taking Olivia’s hand again.

            “I’m glad to see you weathered the storm, the press on that last case of yours was brutal.”

            Alex hung her head, she wished people could just let that whole mess go.

            Olivia piped up.

            “Alex was amazing, don’t you think? Keeping the press in check while kicking ass in the court room.”

            Alex shot Olivia a look warning her silently about her bullpen bravado rearing it’s head in this posh setting, suddenly Olivia felt two inches tall.

            “You were something.” Donnelly agreed.

            “Thank you.” Alex said as Elizabeth excused herself to join another conversation.

            “Nice.” Alex snapped shaking her head at her partner.

            “I’m am sorry, I forgot I shouldn’t speak without your hand on my back moving my lips.”

            “You are not my puppet Olivia.”

            “Sometimes I feel like I am your doll. You can dress me up, but don’t take me anywhere I might say something embarrassing or talk to a co-worker. After all I’m just a detective, what do I know…”

            “Olivia.” Alex said touching her shoulder feeling silly for letting their argument reach this point in the first place. “Why are we really arguing?”

            Olivia sighed. “Maybe it’s all the pressure we put on ourselves for this night to be the poster women for lesbian relationships.”

            “That is too much pressure.”

            “Tell me about it.”

            “I feel like everyone is watching us.” Alex admitted.

            “You and me both.”

            “So now what?” Alex asked slinking her arms around Olivia’s waist and pulling her close.

            “Well, everyone’s watching, lets give them something to see.” Olivia said with a smile taking her by the hand and leading her to the quickly filling dance floor.

            Alex threw her head back in laughter as Olivia jokingly curled her lip like Elvis and shook her hips, before taking Alex’s hand and placing it on her hip and taking the other in her free hand.

            “Who knew Detective Benson would be so light on her feet.” Alex giggled.

            “That’s the problem with you Alex you think you’ve got me pegged, like you have me all figured out.”

            “Oh I know I don’t have you figured out.” Alex assured her.

            “I’m no one trick pony.” Olivia said with a wink.

            “Don’t I know it.”

            “Dirty!”

            “That’s what I love about you.” Alex said smiling, she could feel the eyes on them but she didn’t care, and the longer they were on the floor the less it seemed to matter.

            “There is not enough time left in my life, to tell you what I love about you.”

            “Awww Olivia Benson, you big softy.”

            Olivia brought her mouth to Alex’s ear and whispered.

            “That’s me.” She said before pulling her head back and looking Alex in the eye. “You know I’ll never be good at these things, I am not a society lady, I can’t just put on a dress and be your eye candy for a night.”

            “I know.”

            “And I might clean up nice, and be able to move you around the dance floor but, I’ll never be able to hold my tongue.”

            “ I know, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

            “You want to get out of here?” Olivia asked.

            “I thought you’d never ask.”

Phoenix.

            It was five a.m. Olivia was sleeping, sprawled out across the soft white sheets Alex thought to herself how peaceful she looked. She was glad that after everything she saw day in and day out, she could still find some peace. Alex rolled back over and sighed deeply, she knew that everything that had happed since she and Olivia had gone public was of her own doing, but she didn’t expect it to take this kind of toll on her. She felt like she was under the microscope at every turn, and for the most part she knew it was her own imagination making her feel that way. She’d never been so open about her life, never had to talk about her personal life so much, she supposed she just wasn’t used to any attention being focused on that portion of her life.

            Olivia shifted in her sleep and her outstretched arm found its way across Alex’s stomach. A smile found its way across the blondes face, any discomfort she had felt over the last few months was worth it for moments like this one. As Olivia mumbled in her sleep Alex felt the overwhelming need to kiss the woman at her side. Her lips were cool against Olivia’s warm cheek; Alex felt Olivia’s hand tighten at her waist.

            “Mmmm what was that for.” Olivia’s voice was groggy and low.

            “I just love you.”

            “Mmhmm. I just love you too.” Olivia slid closer to Alex eyes still closed. Her hand traced the line between her belly and her hip and her nose nuzzled in to the crook of her neck.  She could feel the sleep taking over her body once more, but knew Alex was no closer by the way she drew in her breath.

            “It’s impossible to sleep when you are thinking so loud.” Olivia grumbled.

            “It’s nothing.”

            “It’s keeping us awake so it’s something.”

            “Really, I’m just tired.”

            “Then you should try sleeping.” Olivia teased.

            “I just…”Alex’s voice trailed off.

            “You just what?” Olivia sat up in bed, she could see Alex’s face in the glow of the street light.

            “I’m just tired.”

            “I know you said that, I’m guessing we aren’t talking the same kind of tired because we’re still awake.”

            “I just didn’t expect to feel like this.” Alex was being vague and in her sleepy state it was driving Olivia crazy.

            “Like what?”

            “I’ve never doubted myself like this before.”

            “And you have no reason to start now, you’re the same person you were before, you’re the same lawyer you were before.” Olivia kissed Alex’s shoulder reassuringly.

            “I know.”

            “You’re just nervous.”

            “You would be too, if it was your face was on the cover of the Post. And that headline Alex Cabot; Gay ADA. So much for running for office, they’d have a field day.”

            “It’s a high profile case, and the press has to run with something, the Post will run with anything. A gay ADA is prosecuting the murderer of five gay men...it is a big deal. I also know that if anyone is going to put that guy away it is going to be you.”

            There was a long silence and Olivia began drift back off to sleep; she couldn’t make Alex talk if she wasn’t going to. Just as Olivia was crossing back into dreamland Alex finally spoke.

            “Are you ready for this?” Alex asked.

            “I’m here for you.” Olivia whispered.

            “A case like this, it is going to be all over the papers. You, me, us…all of it. Not to mention the fact that until it is over you’re living with a ghost, the hours that go in to a case like this…”

            “Like the hours you’ve been putting in the last two months in preparation?”

            “Worse. I can’t loose this one Liv, there is too much riding on it.”

            “So you won’t. Don’t worry about me, or us, we’ll be fine. This isn’t my first time around; we’ve been through times like this before. You’ve been on the other side of the case that wouldn’t end. We’ll get through it, you’ve got to sleep after all.” Olivia wrapped Alex in her arms and squeezed tight.

            “Promise me you’ll hold me like this every night and make it all go away.” Alex said half pleading.

            “I promise.” Olivia said kissing her head.

            “I love you.”

            “I love you too, can we sleep now?” Alex snuggled in to her partner and in the safety of her strong arms found comfort and eventually sleep.

            As Olivia walked in to the prescient the next morning she couldn’t help but feel like all eyes were on her and it didn’t get any better sitting at her desk.

            “Ok, Elliot could you tell me what the hell is going on?” She finally said tossing her case file on her desk.

            “You haven’t seen the papers today have you?”

            “Honestly after the shit they pulled with Alex the last few weeks I’ve stopped looking.” Olivia admitted.

            “Well you might want to take a look at this.” Elliot said tossing his paper on to her desk. Three pages in above the fold there it was a grainy photo of Olivia and Alex kissing on the street, with an accompanying article all about their “forbidden love” and the “havoc” it wreaked on the SVU. In summation it basically made Alex out to be reckless with her cases and Olivia the catalyst in her “hasty reassignment to homicide”. According to this reporter their relationship optimized “all that can go wrong in the criminal justice system”.  In short it was brutal, and just the kind of thing Alex didn’t need to be reading the day her trail began.

            Olivia didn’t say a word to Elliot, she knew she only had a few more minutes left before Alex would be in court; she picked up her phone and dialed.

            “Cabot.” Alex answered her phone as she gathered up files and organized her brief case.

            “Hey, you still hanging in there?” Olivia asked.

            “If you’re asking if I have seen the paper, the answer is yes. I think we should frame that picture, we don’t have many of us together.” Olivia could hear the sarcasm in her voice that barely covered up the hurt below it.

            “Alex…”Olivia’s tone begged her to be serious.

            “I’m fine. Are you ok? I’m sorry you got dragged in to this mess.”

            “It was only a matter of time, and I am fine. I’m thinking of it as a giant advertisement taking you off the market, letting the whole city know you’re mine, takes a load off my mind.” Olivia said with a chuckle.

            “You aren’t funny.” Alex’s tone was cross and her patients with Olivia grew thin.

            “I sorry. Listen you’re going to do great. I know you will.” Alex didn’t respond, Olivia knew she was preoccupied.  “I love you. I’ll see you after ok.”

            “Ok. I love you too.” Alex was distracted she didn’t really have time to think about anything but the case and while the article was not the kind of journalism she had always dreamed would be written about her, there was nothing to be done about it either.

            It was past midnight before Alex walked through the door of her apartment. Olivia sat on the couch mindlessly flipping through the channels, waiting for Alex’s return. She turned off the TV as soon as she made it to living room, setting down her things as she went. Olivia got up to greet her but Alex quickly disappeared into the bedroom slamming the door behind her.

            “Well I guess she saw the news.” Olivia muttered to herself, finding herself in the difficult situation of not knowing what Alex’s actions meant. On one hand the closed door could mean, I just need to be alone for a while please, give me some space. On the other she could be begging Olivia to follow her, and make everything go away as she had made she promise she would only the night before. She decided to split the difference and waited ten minutes before knocking lightly on the door.

            “Alex.” She called through the door. “Can I come in?”

            Silence.

            “Alex, sweetheart are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?” She tried.

            The door swung open, Alex stood on the other side in one of Olivia’s shirts.

            “How long have I been and ADA Olivia?”

            “I don’t know what five, six years?”

            “Seven.” Alex answered for her. “And a damn good one, I win cases for the people of this city, I have spent countless hours in court and preparing and working to keep the scum of the city in Rikers and other peoples families safe. For what? Running my name through the mud in the tabloids and the ten o’clock news?” Alex was holding back the tears that her anger brought about.

            “I know.”

            “No, Olivia you don’t. It’s not you they are talking about. It’s me. It’s my name it’s my credibility that is being put on trial and called to task, not yours. The way they tell it you were just an innocent bystander that got swept away with a ‘gay ADA’. I did great in that courtroom today, great only to leave the courthouse and be face to face with a mob scene of press not interested in how the case went but how you are, how we are, how our relationship effects my work and this case, why I go transferred… it was insane. Are you still with the detective Ms.Cabot? How long have you been with the detective Ms.Cabot? Should gay marriage be legalized Ms.Cabot? Ms.Cabot if New York legalizes gay marriage will you be marrying the detective?” Alex paced around the room violently using her hands to make her points.

            Olivia swallowed hard, she didn’t like the way Alex kept saying the word detective as if it were a four letter word for person who ruined my life.

            “You looked great, very composed and the only comments aired were about the case.” Olivia said trying to shed a positive light on the media attention.

            “That is because the only questions I would answer were in vague reference to the case, but hey at least I looked good.” Alex’s words were getting harsher with each time she spoke and Olivia felt her cool beginning to wear thin.

            “I understand you are upset Alex. I’m sorry this is happening. We both knew this might come back and effect us.”

            “Effect us Olivia, us…how exactly is it effecting you detective? As clear as I can see all you’ve really had to deal with is a picture in the paper as you put it taking me off the market was it?”

            “Ok, you’re pissed off I get it, and it is hard but anytime you want to scale back on the attack would be great.” Olivia shouted finally standing up for herself.

            “I am pissed off Olivia, and it is hard, much harder than I thought it would be. If

I’d have known I…” Alex stopped.

            “What Alex, if you’d have known what? What Alex, if you had known it would be this hard what? You would have called it off? Hid forever?”

            “No of course not…you don’t understand.”

            “And why would I, after all I’m just a detective.” Olivia walked away from Alex and back into the living room picked up her coat.

            “ Olivia…wait…I didn’t mean…?” Alex shouted following her. “Olivia stop, where are you going?”

            “I think it might be best if I sleep at my place tonight. Let you get yourself together. I can’t be around you when you are like this and I think we’re both about to say things we don’t mean.”

            “I’m sorry Olivia stop. I’m sorry.”

            “Yeah I know you are, me too.” Olivia said walking out the door closing it behind her.

            A knot built in Alex’s throat and made it’s way to her stomach. Her frustration was not with Olivia, but the situation. Unfortunately there would be no situation if not for Olivia, and they both knew it. She couldn’t blame her for it, Olivia didn’t make her tell Donnelly. Olivia didn’t put in for the transfer or assign her such a high profile case, and Olivia didn’t make her fall in love with her, she simply had no choice. This was the chance she knew she was taking; she was the one who put the chips on the table, not Olivia.

            Running down the stairs Olivia fought against the tears welling in her eyes, she was not going to cry over this. She told her self that Alex was just stressed out and angry at the way things were going with the press, and she didn’t blame her. There was no amount of talking herself out of it that would make her not hear Alex’s voice playing over and over in her head. The way she kept emphasizing the word detective,
how exactly is it effecting you detective?

            “Well for starters its turned you into some kind of raving bitch.” Olivia thought to herself instantly feeling guilty.

            She knew when they decided to move forward in their relationship that when it came out publicly like this, it would affect Alex’s career more than hers. No one really cares about a lesbian cop, but a love affair between an officer of the court and a sex crimes detective, it was too good to pass up. Add in the circumstances of Alex’s current case and the potential for headlines was endless, but Olivia was just a supporting role in the soap opera they created and the burden wasn’t falling on her. She felt the vibration in the pocket of her coat and expected to find Alex’s name on the caller ID, after all they hadn’t spent a night apart that wasn’t work related since they had been together, but it wasn’t Alex’s name or number flashing on the blue screen. It was the prescient calling and any hope of a reconciliation tonight going down the tubes. 

            Working the crime scene, interviewing the victim and the paperwork took well into the morning and to be honest Olivia was thankful for the distraction but when she checked her phone at four thirty and there were no messages, no texts, no calls at all she couldn’t help but feel like she was no longer standing on solid ground.

            “You ok Liv?” Elliot asked handing her a cup of barely warm and completely disgusting coffee.

            “What? Yeah, I’m fine.” She answered very obviously distracted.

            “No ya aren’t.” Elliot disagreed.

            “Oh, ok then Elliot tell me how I really am?” She snapped.

            “You aren’t fine, because someone who is fine doesn’t bite the head off a person who is just concerned. Forget I asked.” He said walking away.

            “Elliot.” She called after him. Elliot turned on his heel and faced her. “I’m sorry.”

            “I’m here, if ya wanna talk.” He said with a smile and turned again and walked away.

            Alex stared at the clock. She had seen every hour between the time she laid down and the current time of five a.m. Falling asleep wasn’t the hard part, it was staying that way, she could feel the dread building in her gut. She was going to be useless in court that was for sure and distracted to boot. It had occurred to her each time she woke she should call Olivia, and tell her she was sorry, tell her she was wrong, and admit that she crossed a line and that she loved her very much. There was just something keeping her hand from the phone, she wasn’t ready yet, in some ways this was all her fault. Alex wasn’t looking to fall in love, but there she was in the middle of the greatest love of her life and she was making choices that wouldn’t have even been an option in her life before. Besides she was the one who walked out, shouldn’t she be the one calling and asking for forgiveness? Alex knew she walked out because of what she had said the words that cut Olivia like a knife but it still hurt watching her just walk out. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number, she was used to winning cases in court but, she knew this was an open and shut case of her being insensitive and mean and no jury in the world would pin this one on Olivia. It was time she admit it.

            “Benson.” Olivia answered as she got out of the car, the sun was just starting to come up.

            “Liv, it’s me.” Alex started.

            “I know who it is Alex.” Olivia snapped. “I’m sorry. Long night.”

            “I know, me too. Did you have a case come in?”

            “Yeah. I did. So uh, what can I do for you?” If she wasn’t calling to apologize Olivia couldn’t think of anything she wanted to hear from her this morning. 

            “The way I spoke to you before was out of line, and I am sorry. None of this is your fault and I didn’t mean to imply that it was. I shouldn’t have said those things, I am very sorry Olivia.”

            “I’m sorry I walked out.”

            “I don’t blame you. I don’t want to fight with you. I am sorry I blamed you, for all the hell that we’re going through right now, I wouldn’t change our decision. They’ll loose interest soon.”

            “They will.” Olivia agreed. “Why don’t you start the shower, I’ll be up in a second.” Olivia said smiling at the coincidence. Just as she was coming to demand an apology Alex offered up one all on her own.

            “You’re here?”

            “Yeah, when you’re not at work you normally go home, fight or not, you’re home.”  Olivia said causing the tension that had built over night suddenly released its hold on Alex’s body and she sunk into the mattress.

            “I’ll get it going. I have three more hours before I have to be up.”

            “Maybe we can catch a few winks.”

            “Maybe.” Alex said hanging up the phone.

I decided to post this here first and let ya'll have the first crack at letting me know how you like it!

Confession.

            Alex knocked on the door to Donnelly’s office; she held the file with her transfer request in her hand. The nerves built in her stomach as the door opened and she was asked to come inside.

            “Come in Alex.” Elizabeth Donnelly said as she walked back in to her office. Alex closed the door behind them and was tempted to lock it, while she was ready to tell her secret she wasn’t ready for it to immediately be fodder for the gossip mill.

            “You needed to see me?” Liz asked.

            “Yes. I did, can we sit?” Alex asked gesturing to the leather club chairs sitting in the corner of her office.

            “Ok.” Liz stared Alex up and down. She wasn’t quite sure she’d ever seen her brightest ADA quite so nervous before, at least without having a big trail pending.

            “I guess, there are parts of this conversation that I have to ask be between you and I because of their delicate nature…”

            “Alex whatever is said in this office is confidential, are you in some kind of trouble?”

            “No, I’m not in trouble. In fact I am doing my best to avoid it, which is why I prepared this.” Alex said handing the folder over to her superior. Elizabeth took the folder and read its contents, when she finished she looked back at Alex with an inquisitive look.

            “I thought you enjoyed working with the special victims unit Alex.”

            “I did…I do. I just can’t anymore for reasons pertaining to my personal life.” Alex was never comfortable outing herself to people who hadn’t first inquired, she felt like she was putting too much out there. No one had ever come up to her and informed her of their sexual preference, so telling others of hers seemed improper, even crude.

            “It’s hard prosecuting those cases Alex, you’ve always done a very good job at remaining objective and presenting the facts and getting your conviction, I am afraid I don’t understand why you would want to walk away from that. May I ask about this personal issue that you are having? Maybe I can help you in some way?”

            “I’m afraid that my objectivity may be blurred because of a personal relationship I have established with one of the SVU detectives.” Alex admitted and in the same moment that she was mortified she had started a conversation about a personal relationship with her boss, she also felt relived that her relationship was finally coming to the surface.

            “Oh, well that is a problem.”

            “We’ve been seeing each other for a few months, testing the waters. I wasn’t going to say anything unless I thought that it might get out and shed a bad light on this office. Over the last few weeks it has become apparent that this is a relationship worth pursing and by doing so I have to step down to maintain the credibility of this office.”

            “I see.” Liz said looking over the form again. “Alex, I know it is none of my business but my curiosity can’t help but ask you…”

            “Olivia Benson.”

            Donnelly’s eyes looked like they might pop out of her head.

            “I…I had no idea counselor.”

            “By design ma’am, I didn’t want my sexuality to overshadow my abilities.” Alex admitted, she remembered making that choice. That her career would be more important than her relationships, she wasn’t the same person she was then and she knew it. She couldn’t be sure that it would be different had she been more open with her personal life, but she also couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t be chasing ambulances or trying cases involving rent disputes and unpaid parking tickets.

            “Alex, you should know better than that, this office nor its counter parts can hold your sexuality against you when filling positions.”

            “Not legally ma’am but things happen, if two applicants walk in with two equal track records and credentials the only difference is one is gay…”

            “We look harder, we go back further and we pick the more qualified applicant.” Donnelly looked sternly at Alex for suggesting that her office would do such a thing.

            “Yes ma’am.”

            “So, Thompson leaving homicide provides an opportunity for you to transfer, which I will grant but I am curious Alex, are planning on continuing this game of smoke and mirrors?”

            “No ma’am, which is why I am here. We plan on no longer keeping our relationship a secret. This transfer is imperative for that to happen, we both realize that.”

            “You’re right about that. I appreciate your respect for your position Alex, I’d have hated to have to make this decision for you.”

            “Thank you ma’am.”

            “Alex, you can stop kissing up now. I’ll put through the transfer; you’ll clear your docket and be reassigned.”

            “I really do appreciate this Liz.”

            “You’re welcome. Are you ready for this Alex?”

            “I think the transition from SVU to homicide will be smooth, I’ve been brushing up on homicide proceedings for a while and I think it will be a good fit.”

            “I’m sure you’re record won’t suffer Alex, I am talking about you. Are you ready for this, as a friend, I am asking you if you are ready for the fall out.”

            “I don’t know. I mean I’m not sure.  I can’t hide anymore I know that. I never intended to hide who I am, it just kind of worked out that way. I never lied, I never said anything that wasn’t true when asked. People would ask if I was seeing anyone, I’d say no one special. Men would ask me out, and I would just politely decline. I never said was gay, but I never said I wasn’t. I am thirty-three years old and I have never had my worlds collide, I never have had a reason to want them to.”

            “And you do now?” Liz asked.

            “I think so.”

            “Good. You deserve it counselor.”

            “Thank you.”

            “I can’t tell you what to do in your personal life Alex, but may I make a suggestion?”

            “Of course.”

            “I understand your desire to share your relationship, and I am sure you’re departure from SVU will be meet with many questions, but it might be best to let word work its way out slowly, perhaps even wait before telling others the entire reason for your separation to avoid scrutiny.”

            “Olivia and I have discussed this and other than Captain Cragen and her partner we don’t plan on telling anyone else at the moment. We don’t have any illusions about being able to maintain secrecy we haven’t tried to hide our relationship anywhere other than work and we don’t plan on starting, but we won’t be standing out front chanting or anything.”

            “It sounds like you’ve thought this through.”

            “I…we’ve agonized about this for a while yes. We decided together this was best for everyone.”

            “Well unless there is anything else?” Donnelly asked as she stood.

            “No, that pretty much covers it.” Alex said taking her first deep breath of the entire conversation. Alex was almost to the door when Donnelly spoke again.

            “Alex, for what it’s worth, I think it’s a really brave thing you’re doing. You must really care for her.”

            “For what it’s worth Liz, I love her.” Alex said with a smile closing the door behind her.

            Olivia could hardly concentrate on her work, she fidgeted in her chair and tried to find something to occupy her mind other than the thoughts of how Alex’s conversation with Donnelly was going, and what she was going to say in her own with Elliot and the Captain. When Alex came walking in just before noon smiling Olivia reluctantly knew they had made the right decision. She didn’t realize how long it had been since she had seen her smile like that, she has smiled sure but it was the kind of smile you’d have when you were trying to convince everyone you were ok. It was nothing like the way she was glowing now. Olivia felt badly that she had even suggested they try harder to hide their relationship and profoundly happy that sharing it with someone put that smile on her face.

            “Elliot, do you have a minute?” Alex said walking up to Elliot at his desk.

            “Sure Alex, what’s up?”

            “Is the captain in his office?” She asked looking at Olivia, sharing an it’s now or never look.

            “Uh, yeah I think so.”

            “Great, can I see you both for a moment in there?” Alex asked.

            “Sure.” Elliot said.

Olivia took a deep breath, before nodding. “Yeah.”

The three of them walked in to Cragen’s office, and Olivia shut the door.

“Sir can we have a word with you and Elliot.” Olivia said standing beside Alex.

            “Yes, Olivia, Alex what’s going on.”

            “Don I just wanted you to be the first to know I have put in a request to be transferred to homicide. It should go through in the next couple of weeks, I will finish my current cases, after that the DA will assign you a new ADA.”

            “Well Alex, I am very sorry to hear that, and I must say I don’t understand. Why?” The Captain looked hurt and confused, which made Alex realize just how much his team meant to him and she was part of that team.

            Alex started to speak, but Olivia got to the answer before she could.

            “It’s all right Alex, I’ll explain.” Olivia said with a smile.

            “We, have given it a lot of thought and both of us being a member of this team leaves us, this unit, the DA’s office and our victims at too big of a risk for scrutiny considering our personal relationship.”

            “Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second….” Elliot piped up for the first time. “What personal relationship…Liv you’ve been…with…Alex?”

            Cragen couldn’t have looked more confused if he tried, his face vacant, his eyes searching for a way this made sense.

            “Olivia and I have been quietly dating for the last five months.” Alex said explaining herself.

            “You…but…Alex is straight.” Elliot continued to talk to Olivia as if Alex wasn’t even there.

            “Actually Elliot, I’m not.” Alex said trying to engage him in conversation with her as well.

            “Nah no, no, Alex, I’ve seen you, Liv and I both have seen you out with that air bag Trevor.”

            “Trevor and I are colleges Elliot nothing more, I know this comes as a shock to both of you.” Alex explained.

            “Captain?” Olivia asked searching for acceptance in Cragen’s eyes, as far as father figures went he was the closest thing Olivia had ever had. She couldn’t get a read on him at the moment and it was scaring her.

            “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say Olivia, Alex. I had...I can’t believe I didn’t see it, before I mean.” Cragen still wracked his brain for answers to the questions his brain was firing off at an alarming rate.

            “Elliot?” Olivia asked trying to get a less hostile response from her partner.

            “I dunno Liv, I just, I dunno. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me before.” Elliot looked hurt and angry with his partner.

            “I wanted to Elliot, but I wanted to make sure we were solid before I outted her.”

            “Oh so telling me is outing her? You think I am the kind of guy who’s gonna run my mouth around here Liv, you really think I’m that guy?”

            “No of course not El I…”

            “This is you, you told her not to tell me didn’t you? You know what happens when partners can’t trust each other Alex? Do you have any idea what happens when I can’t be sure what is in that woman’s head at every moment? When I don’t know if I can trust her because I feel like she is hiding something from me?”

            “Whoa El this isn’t her fault.”

            “Back off Elliot.” Cragen warned.

            “It’s ok Don, Olivia, its ok. He’s pissed off. I didn’t expect you to throw a parade. I knew the longer we waited to tell you, the harder and more personally you would take finding out. I am truly sorry we put you in that position, we thought a lot about this and we didn’t want to upset our lives until we thought there was good reason. I understand you need to trust her, so you two can watch each others backs, I know that. I didn’t like hiding from you one bit, but you have to understand the position both Liv and I are putting ourselves in by unveiling our relationship. This is why I put in for the transfer, when word gets round, which it will, it could get really ugly. We wanted you two to know so you weren’t blind sided and because you two are important to both of us and we’re going to need all the friends we can get.”

            “Who else knows?” Cragen asked before Elliot could make a rebuttal.

            “Other than the two of you just Donnelly and Alex’s mother.” Olivia answered.

            “And how long do you intend to keep it that way?” He continued.

            “We don’t know. We haven’t been hiding out…” Olivia wasn’t allowed to finish before Elliot had more to say.

            “Bullshit!” He shouted. “Bullshit! Haven’t been hiding, I’m your partner, and I didn’t know. You’ve been walking around here all sly and shit for months, avoiding questions, giving bullshit answers, you’ve got some set on you Liv, to say you haven’t been hiding.”

            “What did you want me to do Elliot? Huh? Tell everyone? Subject Alex and I’s brand new relationship to the rumor mill? Put all that stress on a relationship that was new and developing…relationships in the best situations can’t handle that kind of stress! We had to think about our jobs, our futures without one and other. We had to do our best to avoid a scandal, so that is what we did. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to give myself any reason to doubt you, if somehow it worked it’s way out. We didn’t hide. I told you things, everything except a name and I am sorry, but it was my decision to make. Don’t blame her for this. If I wanted to tell you, you know there wasn’t a damn thing she could have done to stop me Elliot. You know me better than that. The only place, that we hid was here, and we don’t want to do that anymore. That is why we are here, that is why she is leaving.” Alex slipped her hand into Olivia’s in an effort to calm her temper.

            Elliot looked like smoke could roll from his ears at any moment. He sat forward in his chair and put his head in his hands. Ten minutes he sat like that, without saying a word as Alex and the Captain discussed her departure. Olivia stood stoic in the corner of the room. Finally Elliot sat up and looked right at Alex.

            “You love her?” Elliot asked, and though it was a question it came out more like a command. Elliot had moved along in his anger and was now playing the protective older brother routine.

            “Excuse me?” Alex said, unimpressed with his tone.

            “Liv, Alex, Liv do you love her yes or no?”

            “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Alex answered.

            Elliot stood and walked over to his partner.

            “You love her?” He asked nodding towards Alex.

            “Yeah…yeah Elliot I do.” Olivia’s eyes begged him to understand.

            “No more secrets Liv. No, more, secrets.” Elliot stared at his partner.

            “No more secrets.” Olivia agreed.

            Elliot walked back over and sat down beside Alex once more, he looked at the Captain, then back at the women.

            “What do we do from here?” Elliot asked.

            The four of them calmly discussed the plan that the women had worked out. They were planning on easing everyone in to their relationship. There would be no announcement, no press releases. Just good old fashion word of mouth. They asked that any questions that may come from the press be answered with a no comment, as well as any other lawyers.

            As they got up to leave Elliot stopped Alex and held out his hand to her.

            “You’ve been one royal pain in my ass sometimes, but you’re one hell of a lawyer. You better make sure you’re replacement is ready for this.”

            “I will see what I can do Elliot.” She said with a smile.

            Alex went back to her office and started preparing herself for the transition, around six there was a gently knock at the door.

            “Come in.” She said not looking up from her work.

            “Hey, how are you?” Olivia said walking over to her desk and sitting against it.

            “I’m good. I’m exhausted, but I am really, really good.” She laced her fingers in Olivia’s and drew her hand to her mouth and kissed it lightly.

            “I love you.” Olivia whispered.

            “I love you too, you ready to go home? I’m starving.”

            “Yeah, lets go.” Olivia pulled her to her feet a little too quickly causing her to stumble against Olivia. “Are you getting fresh with me counselor?”

            “Mmm-maybe.” Alex said and for the first time ever kissed Olivia, right there in the middle of her office.

            “Oh, that reminds me…we need to get home. I have something that belongs to you.”

            “You do?” Alex couldn’t think of anything missing, or that she had leant to Olivia recently.

            “Mmhmm. C’mon, lets go, I’ll show you.” Olivia led Alex by the hand to the door. “Soon I won’t have to let go when we walk out of here.” She said with a smile.

            After a quick bite at a corner pizza place Olivia and Alex made their way back to her apartment. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist as she unlocked the door, she pulled her blonde hair away from her neck and kissed it up and down sending shivers down her spine. As she pushed her inside Olivia removed the smiling blondes coat and scarf and tossed them aside before removing her own. Taking Alex by the hand she lead her to the bedroom and silently and slowly removed her business suit. She allowed the grey jacket to hit the floor, pulled softly on the bottom of her shirt un-tucking it from her skirt. Olivia kissed Alex’s long ivory next as she unbuttoned her scarlet red shirt. Alex let out a small sigh as Olivia traced her fingers up Alex’s side and pushed back the silk until it found it’s way to the floor in a pool. Sharply Olivia turned Alex around almost as if she was about to cuff her, Alex braced herself on the bed as Olivia quickly undid her bra and laid her weight against the half naked woman on the bed. She kissed down Alex’s spine and gently caressed her breasts. Any memory of disappointment that remained after the Oreo debacle faded away as Olivia unzipped Alex skirt and ran her hands up and down the length of her inner thigh stopping just close enough to cause Alex’s knees to buckle.

            “Olivia.” Her name was the only encouragement she needed as she spun Alex back around and threw her on the bed. She climbed up Alex and straddled her on the bed as she peeled off the layers of her own clothes. Alex playfully explored her partner with her fingertips; Olivia wasn’t having any of it, tonight was about her. About showing her how much she loved her, and that she knew they had made the right choice, even if it wasn’t the one Olivia had wanted.

            She kissed every inch of Alex’s torso paying special attention to her taught pink nipples, the way Alex was breathing she needed her and the sooner the better. Olivia slipped her fingers under the only material that stood between and pulled them away from her goal. Alex ran her fingers into Olivia’s hair, as she flicked and licked Alex’s warmth. Her fingers slipped inside and brought Alex closer, Olivia slowly kissed her back up her body claiming her mouth while still moving her skilled fingers below. She felt Alex’s muscle begin to clench around her and felt her body jerk under her weight. Her deep breathing gave way to gentle laughter as she rode out the intensity of her orgasm. Olivia pulled her hand away and continued to nuzzle into Alex’s neck playfully nipping and kissing her skin.

            Still laying on top of her lover Olivia raised herself on her arms and looked down at the woman below her. “No matter what happens, with all of this. You are the only thing that matters to me. I would give up everything, to be with you, and I am sorry that the way I behaved showed you otherwise. I promise it won’t happen again. I love you more than I can tell you, more than I have ever loved anyone. I just need you to know that.”

            “I do Olivia. I know.” Alex traced her finger along the collar bone of her lover and sighed a regretful sigh as she moved her weight off her. “No matter what happens, it’s you and me, no regrets.”

Quarrel.

“So I think I have to tell Elliot.” Olivia said closing Alex’s office door as she entered.

            Alex was studying a file and sipping on a Diet Coke.

            “Mmmhmm.” Alex said, turning in her chair in the direction of her girlfriend but not looking up from her work.

            “Did you hear what I just told you?” Olivia asked, sure that this conversation wasn’t going to be this easy.

            “Mmmhmm.” Alex turned the page in the folder she was reviewing.

            “Are you trying to drive me insane right now?” Olivia crossed the room to stand directly in front of Alex’s desk.

            “Mmmhmm.” Alex said finally looking up from her papers and smiling wide allowing a small laugh to escape.

            “Jerk.” Olivia teased sitting down.

            “Oh, now don’t get nasty.” Alex said standing up and walking behind Olivia and resting her hands on each shoulder.

            “So you heard what I said, I think I have to tell Elliot.” Olivia craned her neck trying to look at the woman standing behind her.

            “If you think its time to tell him, then I think we should tell him.” Alex said sitting on the desk in front of Olivia.

            “Really?” Olivia couldn’t believe it was that easy.

            “Really. I told you I have no intention of hiding my personal life, I am just not going to broadcast it. There is a difference. Elliot is your partner; he’s been bugging you about your mystery lady for weeks and frankly the longer we wait to tell him the bigger the blow when we do. If we wait too long it’s going to seem like we think we are doing something wrong and like we’re hiding from him.”

            “You keep saying we, are you planning on being there when I tell him?”

            “I was thinking I would be, so we could talk and I could decide what I might need to do once he knows.”

            “What might you need to do?” Olivia asked curious.

            “As much as we hope that this won’t affect us professionally you know as well as I do it will. I’d like to know what I need to prepare for.”

            “What do you mean?”

            Alex took a deep breath, she knew Olivia wasn’t going to like what she was about to hear. “I’m going to step down as ADA for Special Victims. There is a spot opening in homicide, I’m putting in for a transfer so it won’t be like I will be out of a job…”

            “You can’t be serious.” Olivia said standing up, she had that look in her eyes the one she got when she felt ambushed.

            “Liv, I’m very serious both of our credibility’s will be in the cross hairs over this how do you think it will look, SVU detective dating her ADA. It’s not good for us either. I’ll never forget getting you that warrant. I knew I shouldn’t, and look where it got you.” Alex did her best to remain calm.

            “That was months ago, and I know I was wrong. I meant what I said, I’ll never put you in that position again.”

“I know you won’t, because I am going to transfer out of your unit Olivia. There are so many reasons it isn’t a good idea for us to work together. It just looks bad.” Alex wanted Olivia to see this as a good thing, but she could tell she only felt like she was being rejected.

“You said yourself we aren’t in the Stone Age.” Olivia snapped.

            “Yes, I did and I meant it. Damn it Olivia this isn’t a about being gay, this is about propriety in our field. Every case that you’ve worked and I’ve prosecuted would be under a microscope and who knows what the courts will decide. The defense attorney’s in our cases will have a field day when word gets round. Cases will be appealed, motions for verdicts to be overturned; this isn’t just about you and I. If anyone thinks that I have pulled strings to cover your ass or vice versa, it could be devastating for both of us.”

            “Of course we’ve covered each others asses; we’re on the same team. That’s what we do, it works, it is what puts the bad guys behind bars, what puts a needle in their arm.” Olivia was shaking so she sat back down; she felt like someone had taken her world and turned it upside down. She couldn’t imagine SVU without Alex and she really didn’t want to.

            “I know that and you know that but Olivia I’m just not sure that I can stay in SVU and I couldn’t ask you to leave.”

            “If I ask Elliot not to tell, he won’t he can be discrete.” Olivia said standing up and pacing around the room.

            “Liv, it’s not just Elliot. We aren’t exactly hiding out, we’re out. We go places we do things. Honestly we’ve been very lucky that no one has seen us yet.”

            “So we start being smarter. No PDA’s, if anyone see’s us there is no crime in hanging out with each other outside the office.”

            “No there isn’t but Olivia I don’t want to hide. I want to be able to hold your hand, or kiss you in the middle of time square if I felt like it. I’ve known that I would have to do this if things got serious between us, and I think you practically living at my apartment qualifies as serious.”

            “There is no other way?”

            “Not that I can think of, one of us will have to leave SVU.”           

            “You’re the best ADA we’ve had Alex I can’t be the reason that we don’t have you. You put the bad guys away like no one else.”

            “And you’re the one who brings them to me Olivia. SVU is who you are, it is what you do and you do it better than anyone I’ve ever seen. So they’ll assign you a new ADA, worse things have happened.”

            “Not since I’ve been with you.”

            “Olivia, please.”

            “I won’t tell him.”

            “Liv, I told you it’s not just Elliot we have to worry about here. I want to be open with people. I want to finally explain why ice queen Cabot is finally melting.” She smiled touching the hand of her partner.

            “You love SVU.” Olivia argued.

            “You love it more. I love you more.”

            Olivia drew a deep breath. “I don’t know Alex, I don’t know if I do anymore. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. See the things I see, hear the things I hear. It’s too hard to go from our bed, our sanctuary to these crimes scenes. I don’t know if I can do it any more and I am not sure I want to.”

            “Since when?” Alex scoffed and rolled her eyes.

            “Since I found out I might have to do it with out you on my side.”

            “Olivia, I’ll always be on your side whether I am presenting your cases or not. I’m always on your side.” Alex rubbed Olivia’s back she was careful that any touch she made could easily be explained as friendly should anyone walk in, she hated it but it was how it had to be. She loved the woman standing in front of her and wanted to wrap her in her arms and tell her everything would be all right.

            “I know that. I just don’t know if I could get through my day, without having you there. Just seeing you reminds me that there is still good in this world and lately it feels like it’s the only thing keeping me from doing something I’d regret. Something they’d have my badge for.”

            “What about Elliot, he’s your best friend.” Alex argued.

            “They’ll get him another partner, we’ll still be friends.” Olivia threw her hands up continuing her pacing about.

             Just then someone knocked at the door and peeked in.

            “Ms. Cabot you’ve got a meeting in judges’ chambers in ten.”  

            “Right, I am discussing a case with a detective tell them I will be there momentarily.”

            “Yes ma’am.” The intern walked out of the room closing the door behind him.

            “Listen we don’t have to decide our whole lives right now, but we need to talk about this Olivia.” Alex put on her suit coat and picked up her brief case.

            “I know.” Olivia said looking at the ground.

            “It’s going to be ok, whatever happens you’ve got me you know that right.” Alex leaned her body into the stronger woman’s back and wrapped her hand in hers. She loved her scent and wished she could do more to show her, her love.

            “Yeah.” Olivia’s voice was no more than a whisper.

            “Sweetie. I have to go, please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Alex kissed her forehead. “I love you.”

            “Uh huh.” Olivia said as she opened the door and took off at a fast pace down the corridor, Alex knew she was mad but there was little she could do at the moment.

            “We’ll talk about this later?” Alex called after her. Olivia didn’t turn around she almost knocked over a uniform making her way through the crowd. “Olivia!” Alex yelled, nothing. Alex felt a knot growing in the pit of her stomach.

            “Lovers quarrel?”

            Alex stopped dead in her tracks at the comment and turned around.

            “You think you are funny Trevor?” Alex snapped.

            “Whoa, easy it was just a joke.” Trevor replied.

            “It’s not very funny.”

            “Sheesh Cabot, what’d she do to rattle your cage.”

            “It’s none of your business. We’re late for a meeting in judges’ chambers.”

            “This should be interesting.” Trevor said following Alex.

            Olivia didn’t go directly back to the squad room. She paced the halls, and then took a walk outside, but it was starting to snow and she didn’t have her coat so she came back in. She couldn’t believe she didn’t see this coming, she knew Alex well enough to know that the issue of propriety would be in the forefront of her mind. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t imagine leaving SVU, they were the closest thing to family she had, but she couldn’t imagine a scenario where Alex wasn’t a huge part of that work family.

            Alex stood in judge’s chambers unable to concentrate on what she was doing. Trevor rattled off a list of reasons the confession Elliot obtained in interview should be thrown out. Alex went through the motions, but her heart was not in the argument, she felt like she’d just lost one of the biggest arguments of her life. Olivia had to know that she would be thinking about what they were going to do. That is what Alex did she studied, she planned ahead, she looked for the solutions. She wasn’t the kind to just wait and see what happened, she had to be proactive. The next thing she knew the judge was dismissing them, allowing the confession but throwing out two articles of trace evidence that Alex didn’t feel she needed for a win anyway. As she walked back towards her office she saw Olivia walking towards her.

            “Can we talk?” She asked arriving at Alex’s side.

            “Yes, of course.” Alex said.

            “Now?”

            Alex nodded and the two walked to her office, as they entered she locked the door behind them, she needed to hold Olivia in her arms if only for a moment to feel that everything was going to be ok. Alex stepped closer to her partner and drew her in to her arms.

            “I’m sorry I left like that, and I do love you, you know that. I was mad and I shouldn’t have ignored you. I’m sorry.” Olivia held her partners hand and looked her in the eye.

“I know.”

            “I love you but I don’t know what the answer is here Alex. It’s happened before, we wouldn’t be the first case of an ADA and a detective getting together.”

“Not often, and I would be hard pressed to find a couple it worked out for, it just raises too many eyebrows.” Alex took off her jacket and placed it on the back of her chair.

“I don’t think this is about eyebrows and propriety I think you are worried about the discrimination, the alienation that we stand to face if we out ourselves as a couple.”

            “ If I’m honest I can’t tell you that I haven’t thought about that. Right now, it’s been just you and me in our own little cocoon, you said it yourself. All the things we see day in day out, coming home with you, to you is the best part of my day. I don’t want to hear what anyone else thinks about us. I am ready for the looks, I’ve got them before. I’m ready for the whispers and the stares. All of that will subside eventually, on its own if we keep our distance professionally, as long as we are working so closely together, our relationship will always be a subject for the gossip mill.”

            “Let them say what they want to say Alex. I don’t care. I love you and I am not going to let you throw away everything you have worked for with Special Victims and I don’t know that I am ready to walk away. There will always be people who think our being together is wrong, whether it’s because we are two women, or because we work together, they’re will always be someone who has something to say Alex. We don’t have to listen.”

            “You’re right, we don’t and I don’t plan to. Olivia, you aren’t listening to what I am saying, this isn’t about you and me. I am so proud of you, and us. I want to shout from the roof tops how in love I am with Olivia Benson. I want to tell my friends how wonderful my life is with you in it. I want all of that. I don’t want anything casting a shadow over that. If I put in a request to move to homicide and then our relationship becomes public there is nothing anyone can do about it. They can’t prove when the relationship started, so there is nothing to be done. No one can prove our relationship so any accusation of bias based on our personal relationship doesn’t have a leg to stand on.  If we walk out there hand in hand while I’m still SVU’s ADA, it would be a circus and who knows what Donnelly will have to say about it. Even if I want to stay with SVU the chances of her reassigning me are high, and then it won’t be a choice, I could end up anywhere.”

            “Let’s go talk to Donnelly, see what she has to say.” Olivia pled taking Alex’s hand.

            “Olivia.” It was breaking Alex’s heart that she was hurting her, but she knew Olivia. She was just fighting to protect herself, to keep things the way they were comfortable.

            “What, I want to hear it from her. I want to see what she thinks we should do. We start with Donnelly we see what she thinks we do, we go from there.”

            “You can’t be serious!” Alex shouted exasperated.

            “I am dead serious Alex.”

            “You want me to walk in to my Bureau Chiefs office and what say ‘Hello Liz, you know Olivia, we’ve been screwing like teenagers for the last five months!?’ I don’t think so.”

            “Oh is that what we’re doing ‘screwing like teenagers’, funny I thought we were having a relationship, my mistake. I guess we don’t have to worry about telling anyone since we’ve just had a string of booty calls that ran together.” Olivia’s words shot like venom from her tongue.

            “Liv, that isn’t what I meant and you know it.” Alex felt a lump in her throat.

            “You can be so cruel sometimes.” Olivia’s nerves were on edge, she felt like she was about to loose her whole world.

            “I’m not cruel Olivia, I seem to be the only one of us who is thinking with her head and not her heart. Don’t doubt for a second how I feel about you, don’t you dare, but one of us has to think about this from a professional stand point.”

            “What is it, you don’t want to work with me anymore?”

            “Don’t be a martyr Liv. If it was up to me we’d put on red capes and boots and fly around riding the world of all sexual deviants until the end of time but that isn’t how the real world works and you know it!” Alex took off her glasses and rubbed her temples, she felt like she could cry. It wasn’t like they hadn’t argued before, at work mostly but the occasional lovers spat at home, but nothing like this, nothing that stood to affect their relationship in the long term.

            “I need to get some air.” Olivia said after a very long moment, knew Alex was right, and she hated it.

“Liv.”

            “No, Alex, you’re right, one of us is going to have to leave. I need to go think about whether or not it should be me.” Olivia kissed Alex on the cheek and unlocked the door.

            Alex let her walk out of her office without another word, she knew she needed time to think, cool off. Alex sat back down at her desk and picked up the file she had been looking at when Olivia first walked in and read over it one more time, when she finished she picked up a pen and twirled it. She thought again about what Olivia had said her mind was made up, she wasn’t going to let Olivia leave SVU, so she signed the bottom of the form. Tomorrow she would give it to Donnelly and the wheels for her transfer would start turning.

            Alex was already in bed when Olivia got home that night, she looked at the clock it was after two.

            “Olivia.” Alex whispered into the dark.

            “Its me, go back to sleep.” Olivia whispered. Alex heard her undo her belt and put her gun in the drawer of the night stand, and felt her weight on the edge of the bed as she sat to take of her shoes. Olivia walked into the bathroom and turned on the water in the shower without saying another word. Alex lay silent in their bed she couldn’t decide if she should just wait until morning or try to go talk to Olivia. Her need to be near Olivia won out over logic and she went to the bathroom door and knocked lightly as she opened the door and entered the steam filled room, she heard Olivia sniffing from behind the curtain.

            “Olivia, is everything all right.” Alex asked knowing it wasn’t Olivia didn’t cry for no reason that was for sure.

            “No. I don’t think it is.” Olivia said between sobs.

            “Olivia honey, I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for me to but it’s the right thing, I’m turning in my request for a transfer in the morning.”

            “Ok.” Olivia said defeated.

            “Olivia, why are you crying.” Alex said as the water stopped.

            Olivia opened the curtain and looked at Alex.

            “I’m just so sorry.” Olivia said Alex knew there was more to what was going on than just their argument earlier in the day. She took Olivia in her arms and held her for dear life, she didn’t know what had happened between her office and now, but she could tell there was something Olivia wasn’t telling her. Alex relaxed her embrace and looked at Olivia. “I shouldn’t have left like that.” Olivia said.

            “Dry off and come to bed, we’ll talk.” Alex said pushing back a piece of Olivia’s dripping wet hair.

            Moments later Olivia crawled into bed and curled up at Alex’s side resting her head on Alex’s chest she lay quiet listening to the sound of her lovers heart in her chest.

            “I…was…so…scared.” Olivia said emphasizing each word as she spoke it.

            “Scared of what Liv?.” Alex was desperate for her to believe that.

            “Losing you. I felt like I was losing you, and I lost my head. I’ve never felt like that before, I’ve never had anything I was scared to loose.”

            “Look at me.” Alex commanded rolling on her side so she could make eye contact. “You aren’t loosing me Olivia. You aren’t, not now, not tomorrow and if I have my way not ever. I love you, and I know you haven’t had a lot of people say that to you in your life, but you should also know I haven’t said it a lot. I mean what I say Olivia, I love you.” She leaned down and kissed Olivia. Olivia reached up and wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her over on top of her. She needed to feel the weight of her partner on her body and feel as close physically to her partner as she felt emotionally to her always.

            As they made love it became clear to Olivia she was never in danger of loosing the woman she loved. Their jobs might change, but that never would. The next morning before they headed out the door Alex stopped Olivia.

            “I see Donnelly at ten, I’m going to come by the squad room to tell everyone I plan on leaving when we’re done.”

            “Ok, I’ll be there.” Olivia said forcing a smile.

            “It’s going to be ok.”

            “I know.”

            “And we’ll tell Elliot and Cragen after I make my announcement.”

            “Ok.”

            “Soon Liv I’m going to be able to walk into that squad room and kiss you hello, or take you to lunch without grabbing paper work. This is going to be the best thing for us.”

            “I know it is, I can’t wait. I really can’t. I’ll be able to put your picture on my desk, I’m just sad you won’t be sitting on it telling me all the reasons you can’t get me a warrant or grilling me for just one more piece of evidence so you can nail some SOB in the court room. I fell in love with you at that desk.” Olivia smiled and kissed Alex.

            “You know when I fell in love with you?” Alex asked.

            “Hmmmm the moment you saw my badge? Hmm Alex Cabot are you a badge bunny?”

            “No, but close. The first time you came at me pissed off about a case. The passion you showed, if I didn’t like my job and wasn’t terrified you’d slap me I’d have thrown you on my desk right then.” Alex made a growling noise and laughed.

            “Ok, I’ll see you later today. If you need me you know where to find me.”

            “That I do. Oh, here.” Alex went back into the kitchen and came back holding a travel mug and a donut.

            “Is this a cop joke?”

            “More like my attempt at being June Cleaver, how am I doing?”

            “You are way sexier than June Cleaver.” Olivia kissed her and walked out the door.

Risk.

“Ugh…Alex, how can you of all people, an educated woman, a lawyer watch this?” Olivia asked flopping onto the sofa with her bag of Oreos.

            “Why I don’t know what you mean? This isn’t how law enforcement works?” Alex said picking up the remote and changing the channel. “What would you like to watch dear?”

            “Anything but this.” Olivia said twisting her Oreo open and taking a lick of frosting catching Alex’s eye.

            “Oh, how about that, look it’s your favorite show…” Alex mocked as she stopped on the one show Olivia had ever said anything positive about.

            “It’s not my favorite show, I just said there is nothing like a woman in scrubs, and if I recall I didn’t hear you arguing.” Olivia sat the two cookie halves of her Oreo aside and picked up another, twisted and started to lick the center when she felt Alex’s eyes on her. “What.” Olivia said tongue still hanging out of her mouth.

            Olivia licked the white frosting and watched the television blankly.

            “Seriously Liv, you’ve got to stop that.”       

            “Whop wha..” Olivia said mouth full.

            “Stop licking that icing like that.” Alex said.

            “Geez. Sorry.” Olivia said putting the bag down.

            “Oh honey, I think you are misunderstanding me. I’m not irritated.”

            “You sure seem like it.”

            “In that case, I had no idea that my irritated and my extremely turned on look were so similar.” Alex grabbed a cookie from the bag and straddled Olivia’s lap.

            “Hmmmm.” Olivia said smiling.

            Alex twisted open the cookie and held it frosting out toward Olivia’s mouth. Smiling ear to ear Olivia licked the frosting maintaining eye contact with her beautiful captor; she took the cookie from Alex’s hand and turned it around offering it to her. Alex took a lick of frosting and laughed.

            “You’re right, that is really sexy. Oh but you’ve got some icing right...” Olivia kissed Alex. “Here…” She kissed her again. “On…” And again. “Your lip.” Alex didn’t let her get away from her again as she grabbed the back of the couch she effectively pinned Olivia between her arms and kissed her. Olivia couldn’t believe her luck, when Alex broke their kiss just long enough to remove her t-shirt, Olivia kissed her neck and caressed her skin.

            “I am so glad I didn’t get Fig Newtons.” Olivia said as Alex started working the buttons of her shirt.

            “Well, just for future reference.” Alex said struggling with a button. “If you’re going to eat Oreos, you’ve got to wear a t-shirt or sweat shirt or something.” Alex threw her hands in the air frustrated by the buttons.

            Olivia laughed and unbuttoned the remaining buttons on her shirt.

            “You’re so cute when you’re frustrate, why would I make it easy for you?”

            “Oh Liv, you’re always easy for me.” Alex said pushing her back on to the couch.  Alex kissed her neck as she fumbled this time successfully with the button on Olivia’s jeans and made quick work of their removal.

            “Olivia Benson…”

            “Mmmmm.”

            “Detective, you’re not wearing any underwear.”

            “What?!” Olivia looked down feigning shock.

            Alex shook her head as she lowered it back down to Olivia’s stomach and made circles with her tongue as her thumb mimicked the movement in a more intimate location.

            “Shit Alex.” Olivia moaned.

            That was all the encouragement Alex needed she lowered her lips and began to devour her lover, teasing with her fingers as she pleasured with her tongue.  Olivia had sworn every time they made love that it couldn’t possibly be better than the time before, but it seemed like every time Alex surprised her. What started with a bag of Oreos was turning into on of the most intense orgasms of her life. As she clutched the cushion of the couch and tried to contain her screams of ecstasy, her cell phone began to ring. She slapped awkwardly toward the coffee table where it lay trying to make it stop. Alex grabbed her hand and pulled it back to her not wanting work or the world to come between them at the moment.

            “Alex…” Olivia said breathless followed by a moan. “Alex, I have to…”

            Alex sat straight up on her knees obviously very annoyed with the detective’s job at the moment. She looked at the clock it was past one, looked like she would be sleeping alone again tonight.

            “Benson.” Olivia answered; she mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry.’ To Alex who had gone from annoyed to pissed off before her very eyes. “Ok. I’ll be right there.” Olivia said hanging up the phone. “I’m sorry Alex, I’m sorry. I’m on call, you’ve got to understand it’s my job.” Alex rolled off Olivia as she searched for her discarded clothes.

            “I know.”

            “Believe me I would rather be here than anywhere else.” Olivia said as she pulled up her jeans and picked up her bra.

            “Really Olivia you don’t have to explain, I know the drill.”

            Five minutes later Olivia was dressed and stood over Alex.

            “I’m sorry honey, I’m just doing my job. I love you, I’ll try to make it fast.”

            “Don’t bother. I’m going to sleep…alone.” Alex knew that she was hitting below the belt but she was disappointed and unfulfilled.

            “I’ll make up for it I promise.” Olivia said with a wink, but Alex was in no mood for cute. “Ok, well I’m off.” Olivia said kissing Alex on the forehead and walking to the door.

“I love you.” Alex called after her.

            Alex was pissed but she knew better than to not tell Olivia she loved her as she walked out the door. Anything could happen when she left for work, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if something happened and the last thing she said to her was hurtful.

            “I love you too.”

            Alex woke up the next morning and found Olivia’s side of the bed still empty. She hadn’t been home all night; she knew where ever Olivia was she was probably starving and tired as hell. She wanted to pick up an extra coffee and scone when she made her stop and bring it to Olivia but it would raise too many eyebrows. So she just got one coffee, but she still picked up an extra scone. She figured she might be able to pass it off as an ordering accident and give it to Olivia.

            She walked into the squad room and made a point to not walk directly to Olivia’s desk. In her mind she would walk in and stand behind Olivia at her desk, kiss her forehead, hand her the scone and the extra coffee she would have been able to buy and ask to be filled in on the case. In reality she had to be careful not to give anyone a clue that the woman Olivia had been seeing for the last eight weeks was standing before them, still a little pissed off that she was called away before she had a chance to reciprocate Alex’s passion for Oreos.

            “Alex, can I see you for a second?” Olivia said taking her arm and pulling her into an interview room.

            “Detective Benson, what can I do for you.” Alex said as they passed Munch and Fin.

            “Alex, I need you to get me a warrant.” Olivia said her voiced hushed; she had that look in her eyes that Alex knew all too well.

            “I’m going to need more than that detective.”

            “Last night, we worked this case it was awful Alex, thirteen year old girl raped beaten and left for dead, her six year old sister is missing. The mother’s dirt bag boyfriend is our guy, I know it Alex.”

            “What have you got on him.”

            “His alibi is weak at best, his knuckles are ripped to hell, I know he did this and if he did it he knows where that little girl is, if she is still alive.”

            “What’s his alibi?”

            “He says he was at work, some monkey wrench place until 10 and then went to a bar where no one remembers seeing him until he came home and found us there.”

            “What’s his story for the hands?”

            “Work hazard.”

            “Well Olivia he is a mechanic…”

            “This is our guy Alex I know it, we need an arrest warrant and we need it now, before he leaves with that little girl and is in the wind.”

            “What about DNA evidence; do we have anything concrete that links him to the rape and the kidnapping?”

            “Elliot said you’d shut me down. I thought I might be able to convince you. Alex, please for me.” Olivia plead.

            “I’m sorry Olivia I cannot ask a judge to sign a warrant based on your feeling, and I will not put my credibility on the line because you need a favor. I need more, get me something tying the dirt bag boy friend to the crime and I’ll get you your warrant.”

            “I told you…” Olivia’s phone rang interrupting them. “Benson. Uh-huh, yes. When? Shit.” Olivia closed her phone and flopped on to the table.

            “The evidence you have it circumstantial at best, his alibi might be shaky but this case is shakier. What about the girl can she ID him?”

            “I doubt it, since she just died.” Olivia said.

            “I’m sorry Olivia.”

            “This bastard has raped and killed one girl and he has the other stashed somewhere. You can’t be brick walling me on this Alex.”

            “I’m sorry Olivia, it’s my job, you have to understand.” Alex threw Olivia’s words back in her face.

            “Is that what this is about? You’re pissed off I had to leave last night?” Olivia whispered angrily in her ear.

            “Don’t you dare make this about us Olivia. You know I can’t do this, I can’t believe you are even asking me!” Alex wanted to knock her block off for suggesting she was withholding justice based on her personal feelings from the night before. “Get me DNA, get me something more concrete and I will be more than happy to get you a warrant detective.”

            Alex stormed out of the interview room, and made a b-line for the elevators. She couldn’t be there for one second longer. This is why you don’t date your co-workers. This is just the kind of thing that would get them both fired if they weren’t careful. It was clear to Alex in that moment if she and Olivia were going to stay together; one of them was going to have to leave SVU.

            Two hours later Alex was still pacing in her office. She desperately wanted that phone to ring, Olivia’s gut was almost never wrong but she couldn’t go sending her on a witch hunt without evidence. Alex was still mad she had even asked her for that kind of favor. That she even thought that because of their relationship she would compromise both of their careers drove Alex insane. Still she couldn’t stop thinking about the dead girl and her little sister who was somewhere out there, Olivia thought she knew where she was, who had her but had nothing concrete to back it up there was nothing she could do. It was tearing her up, if she did what she was thinking about doing she could lose everything she had worked for. If she didn’t and Olivia was right and the little girl died, she didn’t know if she would be able to live with herself.

            Alex picked up the phone.

            “You’ve got you’re warrant, you’d better get a confession or the DNA or it’ll be all our asses.” Alex said and hung up the phone. She couldn’t believe she gave in, she couldn’t believe Olivia had put her in that position.

            Alex made her way to the prescient to watch the interrogation, Olivia was right the guy was a dirt bag, but he had better be the right dirt bag.

            “How did you get a warrant for this guy Alex?” Cragen asked.

            “Let’s just say he better be our guy.” Alex replied listening closely to Olivia as she questioned the suspect.

            “I’m going to go check with Elliot see if the M.E. has anything on DNA from the dead girl.” Cragen said excusing himself.

            Olivia knew Alex had put a lot on the line to get her this guy, she wasn’t going to squander the opportunity before her, she was running on a bluff but she knew she could get him to crack.

            “Where is she Gordon?” Olivia asked.

            “I told you I don’t know, you’ve got the wrong guy.” The smirk on his face was not convincing, and when he chuckled a bit Olivia lost it.

            “What’s so funny.”

            “You have no idea what you’re doing here; you have no idea who you are messing with lady.”    

            “Oh, why don’t you fill me in then?” Olivia got in his face and stared him down. “What’s the matter cat got your tongue? Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by someone your own size Gordon? Hmm, is it easier to get respect from little defenseless girls? Hmmm? Where is she Gordon?”

            Alex watched as the anger grew on the mans face, she knew he was cuffed but she worried for Olivia provoking him that way, and where was Cragen anyway, and Elliot.

            “I don’t talk to bitches.”

            “Is that the best you’ve got Gordon? You’re right, I am bitch. You’ve pissed off the wrong bitch. You can call me a bitch all you want but you are one dumb son of a bitch. No one can remember you at the bar Gordon, we know that the attack happened somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven because the clock that you grabbed off the night stand and beat her with was stopped at eleven thirty. What did you do Gordon hmm? Did Valarie fight back too much? Is that why you killed her? She couldn’t stand the sight of your ugly mug, you repulsed her so much, she puked all over you, yeah that’s right, we saw the vomit on the floor by the bed where you raped her. So what she fought you too much, so you beat her and left her for dead? Is that what happened? You beat her and you left her for dead, but you weren’t leaving that sweet little girl behind were you…so you took her, so you could enjoy her later. Is that it you sick fuck, where is she!” Olivia kicked his chair.

            “You’re never going to find her.” Gordon said with a laugh. Alex couldn’t believe her ears.

            “Tell us where she is Gordon, do yourself a favor, you’re already looking at murder one, rape, shall I go on? Where…is…she!” Olivia got right in his face almost nose to nose as she yelled.

            Gordon leapt from the chair and before Olivia could react Gordon had the hand cuffs over her head and wrapped around her throat. Olivia tried to call out but she couldn’t.

            Alex ran for the door and called out into the squad room.

            “A little help in here!” As she ran back into the interview room.

            “Who the fuck are you!” Gordon yelled.

            “Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot, and I’m telling you, you want to let her go.” Alex felt a hand on her shoulder as Elliot pulled her out of the room and entered. Olivia knew better than to struggle against the criminal, it would only cause her to lose consciousness sooner.

            “Gordon let her go.” Elliot commanded his firearm pulled. “Gordon, you don’t want to do this. You’re in enough trouble already, DNA is back we’ve got your DNA in the victim, we know it was you. Now let her go, this isn’t her fault. Be a man. Let her go.” Olivia felt her knees going weak.

            “Why doesn’t he shoot.” Alex plead watching with Cragen through the glass.

            “If he shoots and Gordon moves he could kill Olivia, she’s ok she’s still conscious and Elliot has got him on the ropes. There is no where for him to go and he knows it.”

            “Gordon!” Elliot yelled. “If you kill my partner, I’ve got no choice, I’ve got a license to kill, let her go and no one gets hurt here today.”

            Olivia closed her eyes, Elliot knew it was now or never.

            “Let her go!”

            Gordon threw his hands up and kicked Olivia out from in front of him and on to the floor. Elliot rushed Gordon and slammed him into the wall.

            “Where is the girl asshole.” Elliot said as he crushed him into the cinderblock.

            Alex and Cragen pulled Olivia out into his office as three more officers went in to help Elliot deal with Gordon. Alex felt her heart pound in her chest. She couldn’t help but feel like this was all her fault, if she hadn’t bent the rules, this never would have happened. Olivia was stirring but hadn’t opened her eyes as the paramedics arrived. Soon as she realized what was happening she began to fight against the EMT’s.

            “I’m fine.” She said as she tried to push off the oxygen mask.

            “Olivia you take that oxygen, this minute.” Cragen ordered.

            Alex found herself in the gut wrenching predicament of keeping their secret and needing to know Olivia was ok.

            “We’re going to take her down, get her checked out.” One of the medics told Cragen.

            “I’ll ride along.” Alex offered taking Olivia’s hand in hers.

            “Go, go.” Cragen said shooing them out.

            Other than passing out from lack of oxygen and some bruises on her neck from the handcuffs, Olivia was fine. Her doctor decided to keep her for observation and oxygen for four hours. Once they arrived at the hospital the medics made Alex wait in the lobby until after she’d seen the doctor.

            “Hey.” Olivia said when Alex finally appeared in the doorway to her room.

            “Hey? You’re nearly killed before my eyes and all you have to say is hey.” Alex walked over and sat on the edge of her bed.

            “He wasn’t going to kill me. He needed to talk, he wanted to talk.”

            “You’re right he did talk. Elliot and Fin just went and picked up the girl, a few bumps and bruises but he hadn’t raped her.” Alex knew the news would put a smile on her face.

            “Thank God.” Olivia said allowing her head to sink into the pillow.

            “I should never have given you that warrant.” Alex said taking off her glasses, she might live a thousand years and never stop feeling guilty about that.

            “I know.” Olivia touched Alex’s hand in reassurance.

            “It will never happen again.”

            “I know.”

            “I love you so much.” Alex leaned in and whispered, running a hand through Olivia’s hair.

            “I know.”

            Alex wanted to kiss her and hold her and tell her how stupid she had been, and how they had to be smarter about this, she had already made up her mind. Starting in the morning she would be looking for the opportunity to get transferred from SVU. She loved Olivia too much to take anymore chances with their jobs, and she loved her too much to keep hiding.

Author’s notes: Thank you, thank you, thank you all for reading and reviewing it is much appreciated, keep the reviews coming it only makes me better. I have to admit I draw much inspiration from my own relationship with my girlfriend Elaina, she’s been “Hangin’ Tough” with me for the last almost five years and thinks writing fan fiction is a little silly but is glad I have a hobby, ha ha, plus I think she likes our story coming out a little through my writing (I have a scar on my hand from where she scratched me trying to get the remote for her CD changer away from me). So anyway, thanks for reading. And thanks to the lovelies who’ve been letting me bounce things off them! ENJOY! Oh yeah I don’t own anything…except hand cuffs, but that doesn’t make me a detective, dang it.

LOVE.

“Benson.” Olivia said into her cell phone, she was sitting at her desk trying eat her lunch in peace.

            “I’d like to report a crime.” Alex said on the other end of the phone. Olivia knew it was her but decided to play along.

            “Ok, I’m listening.” Olivia smiled and kicked back in her chair.

            “I haven’t seen my girlfriend outside of work in over, a week.”

            “Oh my, that is a crime. But ma’am this is Special Victims we deal mainly with sex crimes.”

            “Well, then I have called the right place, because it is a crime that we aren’t having sex.” Olivia shot straight up in her chair and suddenly felt light headed as her heart raced. “Hello?” Alex worried she may have killed Olivia.

            “I’m here, um well ma’am perhaps it is time you and your partner do something about that.”

            “Well I think it is about time, but I’d hate to be pushy. I really like this woman I don’t want to be too forward or do anything to compromise myself with her.”

            “Mmhm, I understand.” Olivia walked out of the squad room and sat in the stair well where she could hear herself think.

            “So I guess I just don’t know what to do.”

            “Well, I think I can help you. Are you free tonight?”

            “Well actually detective, I am supposed to have a date with her tonight but I don’t know the last few times we were supposed to get together, she had to stay late at her job.”

            “I understand. That can be very frustrating.”

            “It can but she is worth it.” Alex was starting to feel a little silly still playing the game.

            “What time are you meeting her tonight?” Olivia asked knowing very well they hadn’t set a particular time yet.

            “Well I don’t know, she hasn’t told me when she’ll be done at work yet.”

            “I see. Well can you meet me? I think I can help you.”

            “Sure just tell me when and where.” Alex smiled, it had been almost two months of this cat and mouse game, being careful not to get hurt, not to go too fast and she was literally about to burst.

            “80 Columbus Avenue, nine o’clock. And bring your overnight bag.” Olivia said.

            “80 Columbus Avenue, that’s not…Olivia what is that?” Alex said finally breaking from the game.

            “I think you should just meet me there ma’am, and remember be ready to spend the weekend.” Olivia hung up the phone and headed into the let Cragen know she was leaving.

            “Ok Cap, unless you need anything else I am out.”

            “Nope, did you give those files to Fin?” Cragen asked pouring himself a cup of coffee.

            “I did.”

            “Have a good weekend. Enjoy your time off.”

            “Thanks Captain.”

            “I mean it, I don’t want to see your face again until Monday.” The Captain warned, he knew Olivia, great detective but almost too committed to her job.

            “No worries Captain.” Olivia turned to walk out.

            “Hey Olivia.” Cragen called after her.

            “Yeah Cap.” She said swinging back in with the door.

            “I’m glad to see a smile on your face again. Tell whoever put it there good work.”

            Olivia blushed. “I will.”

             As soon as Alex hung up the phone it started ringing off the hook. It wasn’t until she was almost out the door that she typed the address Olivia gave her into her computer to try to get a clue as to where they were going and was stunned to find out that 80 Columbus Avenue was the address of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. She immediately phoned Olivia.

            “Benson.” Olivia answered as she packed her bag for the night.

            “No.” Alex said plainly.

            “No?” Olivia responded confused.

            “No.” Alex repeated.

            “Ok as much as I am enjoying our two-year-old moment here, I am going to need more information Alex.”

            “You can’t afford it, and honey I don’t need it.” Alex said.

            “I’m still not following I’m sorry.” Olivia was trying to figure out what Alex was talking about.

            “80 Columbus Avenue is the address of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, it is way too expensive and P.S. we both live here, we don’t need a hotel room. I know you want to be romantic but Liv, it is way too much.”

            “Hey, can I chime in here or are you not going to stop until you ruin our entire weekend.” Olivia said she knew it was a little harsh but she didn’t like being told what she could and couldn’t do for Alex, especially by the woman herself.

            Alex was taken back. “Yes of course.”

            “First off, I know I don’t have to. I know that I don’t have to win you, or woo you or whatever you want to call it, but I want to. Second, have you been opening my mail? Checking my bank statement? Do you really know what I can and can’t afford?”

            “Liv, that place it is like $500 a night.” Alex pled.

            “I didn’t realize you were up on the prices of the cities hotels.”

            “Could you be serious for a moment please?” Alex felt badly for making Olivia feel like she had to defend her generous proposal.

            “I am serious Alex, please don’t worry about it. I don’t know if you have noticed but I don’t have a whole lot of a social life, or a lot of free time on my hands. All I do is work; you of all people should know this. Now while I am working do you know what the city of New York is doing? They are paying me. Now the thing about working all the time and not having a moment free is that you spend your time making money and don’t really have a lot of time to spend it. It has been hell the last few weeks, something else you should know first hand. We haven’t seen each other in too long. I want tonight to be special, and I want to have a weekend where we are pampered and don’t have any distractions. So please, don’t think about the cost or anything other than meeting me at 80 Columbus Avenue at nine. I am sure I can we can think of some way you can repay me.”

            Alex didn’t want to fight that was for sure, but she still felt like Olivia was always trying to win her, to prove herself to her. She wished she knew she didn’t have to try so hard, Alex was already falling in love with her.

            “Ok. I’ll be there.”

            “Good. Tell you what, when you get there go to the front desk ask the concierge for my room, I’ll leave a key for you.”

            Alex smiled.

            “Ok. I’ll be there.”

            Olivia zipped up her bag and headed for the door, it was nearly eight she had just enough time to get to the room and get things ready. She hoped that Alex realized she just wanted a break and she wanted that break with the woman she was falling in love with.

            It was just past nine when Olivia heard the latch on the door of their room on the 52^nd floor open and Alex call out. She was just in time. Olivia had just finished lighting the candles and the bath she’d run was still piping hot. Olivia walked out of the bathroom and over to Alex without saying a word she took her bag and set it aside.

            “Olivia Marie Benson you have truly out done yourself.” Alex said looking around the room.

            “Shhh.” Olivia said motioning for Alex to let her take her coat. Alex untied the belt of her trench coat and slipped it off her shoulders. Olivia wasn’t the only one who could do surprises.  Olivia stood in awe of the beautiful blonde before her in what had to be the sexiest black slip she’d ever seen. Olivia pulled her closer and kissed her.

            “You look amazing.” Olivia said as Alex ran her hands over Olivia’s satin robe.

            “I’m speechless.” Alex really couldn’t believe the lengths that Olivia had gone through for her. Olivia took Alex by the hand and led her from the room and into the bathroom. It was filled with dozens of candles; a bubble bath was drawn in the oversized tub, a bottle of champagne sat chilling in a silver bucket nearby.  Slowly Olivia led her towards the bath. She didn’t want to rush a thing, they had waited this long and she didn’t mind stretching it out a little longer. She dropped Alex’s hand and turned towards the tub, slowly she lowered her robe. Alex ran her hands over Olivia’s strong back and wrapped them around her waist; she gently kissed her neck as she turned her back round to face her. Olivia’s eyes locked on hers as she pulled her slip over her head and dropped it on the floor beside them. Olivia ran her hand over Alex’s neck to her shoulder and slowly down between her breasts, softly caressing her stomach. She took Alex by the hand and helped her step into the water and sat her down in front of her as they sank into the warm soapy water.

            Alex felt the long weeks they’d been through float away on the water as she lay back onto Olivia who softly mindlessly ran a finger up and down her arm.

            “Now, isn’t this better than our apartments?” Olivia asked squeezing Alex from behind.

            “Mmmmmmm” Alex responded eyes shut completely relaxed in the moment.

            “Alex.” Olivia whispered into her lovers’ ear.

            “Hmm?” Alex felt as though she had used all her words and there was nothing left to say to Olivia except for maybe one thing.

“Alex, I love you.” Olivia continued.

“I love you too.” Alex said turning her head so she could see Olivia’s face. There it was, the only thing left to say. Alex turned her shoulders to face Olivia and she ran her hand back through her hair. She noticed tears in Olivia’s eyes.

“Liv, are you crying?” Alex asked concerned.

“It’s ok, I’m ok, actually it’s more than ok. I’m sorry. It’s just…” Olivia’s voice cracked, she paused and cleared her throat. “It’s just…I can’t remember the last time anyone said that to me.” The pain in Olivia’s eyes was almost more than Alex could take; she just wanted to wrap her up in her love and never let her go. She had been through so much in her life and seen so many things that no one should ever have to Alex couldn’t believe that she had turned out to be such an amazing and loving woman. Life had dealt her the kind of hand that would have left anyone cold and heartless and no one would have blamed her. Olivia seemed to do the opposite she turned all that pain in to love and was just waiting for someone to share it with.

            Alex stood up and offered Olivia her hand; she wrapped Olivia in a towel before getting her own. “Come with me.” She said taking Olivia back into the other room. Alex led Olivia to the bed and asked her to lie down. Alex dropped her towel at the foot of the bed and stood for a moment enjoying the reaction on Olivia’s face. Slowly she crept on to the king sized bed, very aware of her heart pounding in her chest. Temptation would have her savage her lover right there and it would be over before it had a chance to really begin, Alex didn’t think either one of them wanted that. She lay down next to Olivia and caressed her arm gingerly taking in every moment, hoping that she would always be able to remember every last detail of this night. The way Olivia’s eyes danced in the candle light, the way she smelled, the way her skin felt, the way her mouth taste. She noticed goose bumps appeared on Olivia’s arms.

            “Are you cold sweetheart?” She asked.

            “No, it’s just you. Just this. Us. It’s really happening.” Olivia smiled.

            “I have wanted you for so long.” Alex whispered.

            Olivia pulled her towel away and leaned over to kiss Alex, she slowly positioned her body above hers, and let her weight fall over her. She began to kiss Alex starting on her neck, moving slowly to her collar bone and back to her mouth. Her hands tangled in her hair as Alex traced her nails up and down Olivia’s back. Alex sighed as Olivia broke from their kiss and began her journey back down Alex’s body. Olivia’s hand caressed Alex’s breast as she drew back her lips so they just barely grazed over Alex’s nipple, her warm breath and the gentle touch caused Alex to whimper with pleasure.

            Olivia rose up on to her knees Alex’s body laid between them, she placed her hands on Alex’s chest and let her strong fingers work their way back down to her thighs. She had Alex right where she wanted her for so long. Unexpectedly Alex sat up and kissed Olivia begging her to stop teasing, her hand grabbed at the short hair and on the back of Olivia’s neck and pulled hard she raked her teeth down her neck from chin to collar bone kissing it hard at the base. She pushed back against Olivia causing her to fall backwards on to the bed. She wasn’t going to wait any longer. Alex’s kisses were warm and urgent Alex placed them on every inch of Olivia’s body, Alex delighted as Olivia writhed in the sheets under her. As she kissed the spot just above Olivia’s hip bone she heard her moan her name “Alex.” As she grabbed a handful of blonde hair and begged her to finish what she had started.

            Alex slowly moved her hand to the spot Olivia wanted it most and rubbed tentatively at first gauging her partner’s reaction. She took Olivia’s grabbing a hand full of sheets as a sign she was on the right path. She continued her exploration of her partner as she lowered her lips; she closed her eyes as she ran her tongue over the warm moist folds of her partner’s skin. Olivia moaned with delight as Alex devoured her, using her fingers as she brought Olivia right up to the edge and pushed her over it. Olivia bucked against Alex, who pushed down on Olivia’s hips with both hands, unrelenting with her lips and tongue. Olivia cried out, Alex suddenly felt sorry for any neighboring rooms trying to get a few Z’s; with moaning like that she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. With a final jerk of her body and deeply satisfied sigh Alex released her hold, and kissed her way back up Olivia’s glistening body. She could taste the subtle taste salt on Olivia’s skin and it made her happy to know she was the cause.

            “You are…” Olivia started to speak breathless. “That was…” She tried again. “Wow.” Olivia finally managed to wrap her head around a word that was small enough to get out yet still conveyed her thoughts. Alex nuzzled in her lovers neck and ran her hand over her stomach. Olivia propped herself up on her elbow and brought her hand to Alex’s cheek, she rolled over on top of her, eye to eye and toe to toe Olivia took Alex’s mouth in a deep hard kiss, Alex moaned as she ran her hand down to her breast and gently tugged at her nipple. Olivia drove her knee between the blonde’s legs and Alex called out her name. Olivia knew it would just be mean to make her wait any longer. She lowered herself further down Alex’s body and slipped her fingers inside the warmth between her legs. Alex sank her nails into Olivia’s shoulder, it was apparent Alex knew what she wanted and was commanding Olivia to give it to her. Who was she to deny a woman what she wanted? Olivia took it slowly she wanted to repay every mind blowing second that Alex had given her. As her moans grew louder Olivia knew she was close, so she lay her arm across her hips and leaned her weight into it her partner. Alex tried to raise her hips but Olivia kept her pinned down until Alex exploded in a slew of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Olivia couldn’t believe her ears Alex ‘ADA’ Cabot, pristine princess, dictionary like vocabulary reduced to four letter words.

            Alex lay spent, and panting as Olivia clawed her way back to the top of the bed.

            Olivia looked over at Alex and smiled, apparently she looked at her lover long enough to make her curious.

            “What?” Alex said smiling from ear to ear.

            “Nothing.” Olivia chuckled pulling the sheet up over them.

            “Oh no, you aren’t getting off that easy.” Alex said rolling over to look at Olivia eye to eye.

            “I wouldn’t say I got off easy.” Olivia said with a wink.

            “Very funny, now why are you smiling?”

            “Really, after all that you are asking me why I am smiling.”

            “I know you, you’ve got that ‘I’ve got something on Alex’ look on your face.”

            “I have no such look.”

            “Yes you do and you’re giving it right now!” Alex tackled Olivia and pinned her hands above her head. “Now tell me why you are smiling.” She demanded.

            “Alex, I’m a cop you think I can’t get out of this?” Olivia smiled.

            “Oh, I think you can. I just don’t think you want to. Now why are you smiling?”

            “It’s nothing.”

            “Olivia.” Alex said taking her hands off Olivia’s arms, she began to tickle Olivia. Olivia screeched and bucked below her weight laughing hysterically.

            “Ok. Ok. Ok.” She managed to get out between cackles, trying to catch her breath.

            “If only the bad guys knew, forget guns, bring Detective Benson down with tickle torture.” Alex smiled. “Now spill.”

            “I was just thinking how, I didn’t think I had ever heard you say one curse word ever and suddenly I think I just heard you say them all.” Olivia laughed as Alex turned bright red and buried her face in a pillow.

            “Alex.” Olivia giggled touching her shoulder. “Come on sweetie, I was just teasing.”

            “I can never look at you again.” Alex’s voice was muffled by the pillow.

            “Now that would just break my heart.”

            “I blame you.” Alex said rolling back over.

            “Me? What did I do?”

            “You blew my mind, I was rendered temporarily insane, I can not be held responsible for my behavior. There is not a jury in the world who wouldn’t back me up once presented the facts.”

            “Well I say case dismissed.” Olivia said kissing Alex on the forehead.

            Alex looked over Olivia; there was not one thing that she would change about the woman sitting in front of her. She was to Alex perfect. She’d never been with anyone that she could so easily shift gears with. One moment they are in the heat of passion, the next laughing until it hurts.  

            The two lay back down and Alex settled in to the crook of Olivia’s arm. The safety she felt when wrapped in her arms didn’t come from the fact that she was a detective, but from feeling like no matter what she said, or did Olivia Benson would still love her at the end of the day. Just as she was about to sleep she whispered into the dark. “I love you.”

            Olivia moved closer to Alex and kissed her shoulder “I love you too.”

Author’s notes: Thank you, thank you, thank you all for reading and reviewing it is much appreciated, keep the reviews coming it only makes me better. I have to admit I draw much inspiration from my own relationship with my girlfriend Elaina, she’s been “Hangin’ Tough” with me for the last almost five years and thinks writing fan fiction is a little silly but is glad I have a hobby, ha ha, plus I think she likes our story coming out a little through my writing (I have a scar on my hand from where she scratched me trying to get the remote for her CD changer away from me). So anyway, thanks for reading. And thanks to the lovelies who’ve been letting me bounce things off them! ENJOY! Oh yeah I don’t own anything…except hand cuffs, but that doesn’t make me a detective, dang it.

LOVE.

“Benson.” Olivia said into her cell phone, she was sitting at her desk trying eat her lunch in peace.

            “I’d like to report a crime.” Alex said on the other end of the phone. Olivia knew it was her but decided to play along.

            “Ok, I’m listening.” Olivia smiled and kicked back in her chair.

            “I haven’t seen my girlfriend outside of work in over, a week.”

            “Oh my, that is a crime. But ma’am this is Special Victims we deal mainly with sex crimes.”

            “Well, then I have called the right place, because it is a crime that we aren’t having sex.” Olivia shot straight up in her chair and suddenly felt light headed as her heart raced. “Hello?” Alex worried she may have killed Olivia.

            “I’m here, um well ma’am perhaps it is time you and your partner do something about that.”

            “Well I think it is about time, but I’d hate to be pushy. I really like this woman I don’t want to be too forward or do anything to compromise myself with her.”

            “Mmhm, I understand.” Olivia walked out of the squad room and sat in the stair well where she could hear herself think.

            “So I guess I just don’t know what to do.”

            “Well, I think I can help you. Are you free tonight?”

            “Well actually detective, I am supposed to have a date with her tonight but I don’t know the last few times we were supposed to get together, she had to stay late at her job.”

            “I understand. That can be very frustrating.”

            “It can but she is worth it.” Alex was starting to feel a little silly still playing the game.

            “What time are you meeting her tonight?” Olivia asked knowing very well they hadn’t set a particular time yet.

            “Well I don’t know, she hasn’t told me when she’ll be done at work yet.”

            “I see. Well can you meet me? I think I can help you.”

            “Sure just tell me when and where.” Alex smiled, it had been almost two months of this cat and mouse game, being careful not to get hurt, not to go too fast and she was literally about to burst.

            “80 Columbus Avenue, nine o’clock. And bring your overnight bag.” Olivia said.

            “80 Columbus Avenue, that’s not…Olivia what is that?” Alex said finally breaking from the game.

            “I think you should just meet me there ma’am, and remember be ready to spend the weekend.” Olivia hung up the phone and headed into the let Cragen know she was leaving.

            “Ok Cap, unless you need anything else I am out.”

            “Nope, did you give those files to Fin?” Cragen asked pouring himself a cup of coffee.

            “I did.”

            “Have a good weekend. Enjoy your time off.”

            “Thanks Captain.”

            “I mean it, I don’t want to see your face again until Monday.” The Captain warned, he knew Olivia, great detective but almost too committed to her job.

            “No worries Captain.” Olivia turned to walk out.

            “Hey Olivia.” Cragen called after her.

            “Yeah Cap.” She said swinging back in with the door.

            “I’m glad to see a smile on your face again. Tell whoever put it there good work.”

            Olivia blushed. “I will.”

             As soon as Alex hung up the phone it started ringing off the hook. It wasn’t until she was almost out the door that she typed the address Olivia gave her into her computer to try to get a clue as to where they were going and was stunned to find out that 80 Columbus Avenue was the address of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. She immediately phoned Olivia.

            “Benson.” Olivia answered as she packed her bag for the night.

            “No.” Alex said plainly.

            “No?” Olivia responded confused.

            “No.” Alex repeated.

            “Ok as much as I am enjoying our two-year-old moment here, I am going to need more information Alex.”

            “You can’t afford it, and honey I don’t need it.” Alex said.

            “I’m still not following I’m sorry.” Olivia was trying to figure out what Alex was talking about.

            “80 Columbus Avenue is the address of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel, it is way too expensive and P.S. we both live here, we don’t need a hotel room. I know you want to be romantic but Liv, it is way too much.”

            “Hey, can I chime in here or are you not going to stop until you ruin our entire weekend.” Olivia said she knew it was a little harsh but she didn’t like being told what she could and couldn’t do for Alex, especially by the woman herself.

            Alex was taken back. “Yes of course.”

            “First off, I know I don’t have to. I know that I don’t have to win you, or woo you or whatever you want to call it, but I want to. Second, have you been opening my mail? Checking my bank statement? Do you really know what I can and can’t afford?”

            “Liv, that place it is like $500 a night.” Alex pled.

            “I didn’t realize you were up on the prices of the cities hotels.”

            “Could you be serious for a moment please?” Alex felt badly for making Olivia feel like she had to defend her generous proposal.

            “I am serious Alex, please don’t worry about it. I don’t know if you have noticed but I don’t have a whole lot of a social life, or a lot of free time on my hands. All I do is work; you of all people should know this. Now while I am working do you know what the city of New York is doing? They are paying me. Now the thing about working all the time and not having a moment free is that you spend your time making money and don’t really have a lot of time to spend it. It has been hell the last few weeks, something else you should know first hand. We haven’t seen each other in too long. I want tonight to be special, and I want to have a weekend where we are pampered and don’t have any distractions. So please, don’t think about the cost or anything other than meeting me at 80 Columbus Avenue at nine. I am sure I can we can think of some way you can repay me.”

            Alex didn’t want to fight that was for sure, but she still felt like Olivia was always trying to win her, to prove herself to her. She wished she knew she didn’t have to try so hard, Alex was already falling in love with her.

            “Ok. I’ll be there.”

            “Good. Tell you what, when you get there go to the front desk ask the concierge for my room, I’ll leave a key for you.”

            Alex smiled.

            “Ok. I’ll be there.”

            Olivia zipped up her bag and headed for the door, it was nearly eight she had just enough time to get to the room and get things ready. She hoped that Alex realized she just wanted a break and she wanted that break with the woman she was falling in love with.

            It was just past nine when Olivia heard the latch on the door of their room on the 52^nd floor open and Alex call out. She was just in time. Olivia had just finished lighting the candles and the bath she’d run was still piping hot. Olivia walked out of the bathroom and over to Alex without saying a word she took her bag and set it aside.

            “Olivia Marie Benson you have truly out done yourself.” Alex said looking around the room.

            “Shhh.” Olivia said motioning for Alex to let her take her coat. Alex untied the belt of her trench coat and slipped it off her shoulders. Olivia wasn’t the only one who could do surprises.  Olivia stood in awe of the beautiful blonde before her in what had to be the sexiest black slip she’d ever seen. Olivia pulled her closer and kissed her.

            “You look amazing.” Olivia said as Alex ran her hands over Olivia’s satin robe.

            “I’m speechless.” Alex really couldn’t believe the lengths that Olivia had gone through for her. Olivia took Alex by the hand and led her from the room and into the bathroom. It was filled with dozens of candles; a bubble bath was drawn in the oversized tub, a bottle of champagne sat chilling in a silver bucket nearby.  Slowly Olivia led her towards the bath. She didn’t want to rush a thing, they had waited this long and she didn’t mind stretching it out a little longer. She dropped Alex’s hand and turned towards the tub, slowly she lowered her robe. Alex ran her hands over Olivia’s strong back and wrapped them around her waist; she gently kissed her neck as she turned her back round to face her. Olivia’s eyes locked on hers as she pulled her slip over her head and dropped it on the floor beside them. Olivia ran her hand over Alex’s neck to her shoulder and slowly down between her breasts, softly caressing her stomach. She took Alex by the hand and helped her step into the water and sat her down in front of her as they sank into the warm soapy water.

            Alex felt the long weeks they’d been through float away on the water as she lay back onto Olivia who softly mindlessly ran a finger up and down her arm.

            “Now, isn’t this better than our apartments?” Olivia asked squeezing Alex from behind.

            “Mmmmmmm” Alex responded eyes shut completely relaxed in the moment.

            “Alex.” Olivia whispered into her lovers’ ear.

            “Hmm?” Alex felt as though she had used all her words and there was nothing left to say to Olivia except for maybe one thing.

“Alex, I love you.” Olivia continued.

“I love you too.” Alex said turning her head so she could see Olivia’s face. There it was, the only thing left to say. Alex turned her shoulders to face Olivia and she ran her hand back through her hair. She noticed tears in Olivia’s eyes.

“Liv, are you crying?” Alex asked concerned.

“It’s ok, I’m ok, actually it’s more than ok. I’m sorry. It’s just…” Olivia’s voice cracked, she paused and cleared her throat. “It’s just…I can’t remember the last time anyone said that to me.” The pain in Olivia’s eyes was almost more than Alex could take; she just wanted to wrap her up in her love and never let her go. She had been through so much in her life and seen so many things that no one should ever have to Alex couldn’t believe that she had turned out to be such an amazing and loving woman. Life had dealt her the kind of hand that would have left anyone cold and heartless and no one would have blamed her. Olivia seemed to do the opposite she turned all that pain in to love and was just waiting for someone to share it with.

            Alex stood up and offered Olivia her hand; she wrapped Olivia in a towel before getting her own. “Come with me.” She said taking Olivia back into the other room. Alex led Olivia to the bed and asked her to lie down. Alex dropped her towel at the foot of the bed and stood for a moment enjoying the reaction on Olivia’s face. Slowly she crept on to the king sized bed, very aware of her heart pounding in her chest. Temptation would have her savage her lover right there and it would be over before it had a chance to really begin, Alex didn’t think either one of them wanted that. She lay down next to Olivia and caressed her arm gingerly taking in every moment, hoping that she would always be able to remember every last detail of this night. The way Olivia’s eyes danced in the candle light, the way she smelled, the way her skin felt, the way her mouth taste. She noticed goose bumps appeared on Olivia’s arms.

            “Are you cold sweetheart?” She asked.

            “No, it’s just you. Just this. Us. It’s really happening.” Olivia smiled.

            “I have wanted you for so long.” Alex whispered.

            Olivia pulled her towel away and leaned over to kiss Alex, she slowly positioned her body above hers, and let her weight fall over her. She began to kiss Alex starting on her neck, moving slowly to her collar bone and back to her mouth. Her hands tangled in her hair as Alex traced her nails up and down Olivia’s back. Alex sighed as Olivia broke from their kiss and began her journey back down Alex’s body. Olivia’s hand caressed Alex’s breast as she drew back her lips so they just barely grazed over Alex’s nipple, her warm breath and the gentle touch caused Alex to whimper with pleasure.

            Olivia rose up on to her knees Alex’s body laid between them, she placed her hands on Alex’s chest and let her strong fingers work their way back down to her thighs. She had Alex right where she wanted her for so long. Unexpectedly Alex sat up and kissed Olivia begging her to stop teasing, her hand grabbed at the short hair and on the back of Olivia’s neck and pulled hard she raked her teeth down her neck from chin to collar bone kissing it hard at the base. She pushed back against Olivia causing her to fall backwards on to the bed. She wasn’t going to wait any longer. Alex’s kisses were warm and urgent Alex placed them on every inch of Olivia’s body, Alex delighted as Olivia writhed in the sheets under her. As she kissed the spot just above Olivia’s hip bone she heard her moan her name “Alex.” As she grabbed a handful of blonde hair and begged her to finish what she had started.

            Alex slowly moved her hand to the spot Olivia wanted it most and rubbed tentatively at first gauging her partner’s reaction. She took Olivia’s grabbing a hand full of sheets as a sign she was on the right path. She continued her exploration of her partner as she lowered her lips; she closed her eyes as she ran her tongue over the warm moist folds of her partner’s skin. Olivia moaned with delight as Alex devoured her, using her fingers as she brought Olivia right up to the edge and pushed her over it. Olivia bucked against Alex, who pushed down on Olivia’s hips with both hands, unrelenting with her lips and tongue. Olivia cried out, Alex suddenly felt sorry for any neighboring rooms trying to get a few Z’s; with moaning like that she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. With a final jerk of her body and deeply satisfied sigh Alex released her hold, and kissed her way back up Olivia’s glistening body. She could taste the subtle taste salt on Olivia’s skin and it made her happy to know she was the cause.

            “You are…” Olivia started to speak breathless. “That was…” She tried again. “Wow.” Olivia finally managed to wrap her head around a word that was small enough to get out yet still conveyed her thoughts. Alex nuzzled in her lovers neck and ran her hand over her stomach. Olivia propped herself up on her elbow and brought her hand to Alex’s cheek, she rolled over on top of her, eye to eye and toe to toe Olivia took Alex’s mouth in a deep hard kiss, Alex moaned as she ran her hand down to her breast and gently tugged at her nipple. Olivia drove her knee between the blonde’s legs and Alex called out her name. Olivia knew it would just be mean to make her wait any longer. She lowered herself further down Alex’s body and slipped her fingers inside the warmth between her legs. Alex sank her nails into Olivia’s shoulder, it was apparent Alex knew what she wanted and was commanding Olivia to give it to her. Who was she to deny a woman what she wanted? Olivia took it slowly she wanted to repay every mind blowing second that Alex had given her. As her moans grew louder Olivia knew she was close, so she lay her arm across her hips and leaned her weight into it her partner. Alex tried to raise her hips but Olivia kept her pinned down until Alex exploded in a slew of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Olivia couldn’t believe her ears Alex ‘ADA’ Cabot, pristine princess, dictionary like vocabulary reduced to four letter words.

            Alex lay spent, and panting as Olivia clawed her way back to the top of the bed.

            Olivia looked over at Alex and smiled, apparently she looked at her lover long enough to make her curious.

            “What?” Alex said smiling from ear to ear.

            “Nothing.” Olivia chuckled pulling the sheet up over them.

            “Oh no, you aren’t getting off that easy.” Alex said rolling over to look at Olivia eye to eye.

            “I wouldn’t say I got off easy.” Olivia said with a wink.

            “Very funny, now why are you smiling?”

            “Really, after all that you are asking me why I am smiling.”

            “I know you, you’ve got that ‘I’ve got something on Alex’ look on your face.”

            “I have no such look.”

            “Yes you do and you’re giving it right now!” Alex tackled Olivia and pinned her hands above her head. “Now tell me why you are smiling.” She demanded.

            “Alex, I’m a cop you think I can’t get out of this?” Olivia smiled.

            “Oh, I think you can. I just don’t think you want to. Now why are you smiling?”

            “It’s nothing.”

            “Olivia.” Alex said taking her hands off Olivia’s arms, she began to tickle Olivia. Olivia screeched and bucked below her weight laughing hysterically.

            “Ok. Ok. Ok.” She managed to get out between cackles, trying to catch her breath.

            “If only the bad guys knew, forget guns, bring Detective Benson down with tickle torture.” Alex smiled. “Now spill.”

            “I was just thinking how, I didn’t think I had ever heard you say one curse word ever and suddenly I think I just heard you say them all.” Olivia laughed as Alex turned bright red and buried her face in a pillow.

            “Alex.” Olivia giggled touching her shoulder. “Come on sweetie, I was just teasing.”

            “I can never look at you again.” Alex’s voice was muffled by the pillow.

            “Now that would just break my heart.”

            “I blame you.” Alex said rolling back over.

            “Me? What did I do?”

            “You blew my mind, I was rendered temporarily insane, I can not be held responsible for my behavior. There is not a jury in the world who wouldn’t back me up once presented the facts.”

            “Well I say case dismissed.” Olivia said kissing Alex on the forehead.

            Alex looked over Olivia; there was not one thing that she would change about the woman sitting in front of her. She was to Alex perfect. She’d never been with anyone that she could so easily shift gears with. One moment they are in the heat of passion, the next laughing until it hurts.  

            The two lay back down and Alex settled in to the crook of Olivia’s arm. The safety she felt when wrapped in her arms didn’t come from the fact that she was a detective, but from feeling like no matter what she said, or did Olivia Benson would still love her at the end of the day. Just as she was about to sleep she whispered into the dark. “I love you.”

            Olivia moved closer to Alex and kissed her shoulder “I love you too.”

Authors Notes: I suppose this would be a good time to say all those disclaimer–ish things you’re supposed to say when you are borrowing the characters of another writer. So as we all know I am not Dick Wolf, these characters are not mine. Where as SVU follows these characters in their daily work life this fiction is meant to fill in the times when they aren’t gracing the screen saving the world from the perverts and pedophiles. I also wanted to write an Alex/Olivia fiction that didn’t have the relationship going from 0-60 over night, that isn’t how I do things in my life so I am guessing it isn’t how most people do. Thank you for all the great feed back, it only helps me write the next chapters. Let me know what you life specifically and I will do my best to make sure I keep it in mind when I am writing in the future. Thanks to Amy for hooking me up with the Live Journal crew. Keep the hits coming! ~Paige

Romance.

“I’d like to make a reservation please.” Olivia felt guilty, she was standing less than twenty feet from a crime scene making reservations for her date with Alex, she felt badly but she hadn’t had a spare moment all morning. She hoped that she could get the reservation set and finish her call before Elliot met her back at the car. “Tonight please. Yes, I know it is last minute.” Olivia waited on hold while the grumpy host checked for a ‘cancellation’. She grew impatient as she saw Elliot turn to come back to the car, if he saw her on the phone or heard one bit of this conversation she knew he would not just let it go. “You did, great. Eight is great, sorry didn’t mean to rhyme there. Yes, for two. Benson, Olivia. Great, listen I know I barely got my name in here and I know that you must be asked all the time but a romantic secluded table would be…yes, perfect that would be great. What was your name again? Well Sam thank you very much. Thanks.” Olivia quickly hung up her phone and slipped it in her pocket right as Elliot reached her.

            “Everything ok?” Elliot asked as he approached.

            “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

            “You just kind of have that deer in the head lights look about you, that’s all.” Elliot laughed to himself. “What are you up to Liv?”

            “Nothing, just making my plans for tonight is all.” Olivia didn’t want to lie to Elliot, they were adults, he was well aware of her situation where relationships were concerned and respected her privacy…most of the time. 

            “Oh yeah hot date.” Elliot teased.

            “As a matter of fact yeah, I do.” Olivia smiled, she felt like a teenager.

            “Good for you.” As Elliot started the car and pulled away he said the three words she’d been hoping he wouldn’t. “Anyone I know?”

            Olivia really didn’t want to lie to her partner, but she also didn’t want to out Alex and put their potential relationship out there for scrutiny before they’d even had a date. She decided to be up front with her partner.

            “I’m not really ready to talk about her yet, it’s too new I don’t want to jinx it. We’re just going out, no pressure seeing what happens.”

            “That’s fair, sounds like you might have a thing for this one.” Elliot said giving her a wink. ‘This one’ Olivia thought to herself, as if she dated so much that Elliot had to make the distinction.

            “She’s pretty great, I’m hopeful.” She replied deciding to let the comment slide.

            “Good, good for you, you deserve it.”

            “Thanks.” Olivia looked out the window hoping the conversation was over, but Elliot still had more to say on the matter it seemed.

            “You know you can trust me right? I mean I know we haven’t talked about it much but I can be discrete you know, we can talk about this stuff and you don’t have to worry about every badge from here to Canada knowing your business.” Elliot looked over at his partner; he didn’t know how to act when she first told him that she was gay. He didn’t care really, but even saying that seemed like a cop out. He cared, he cared very much about his partner but he didn’t care who she dated, who she loved. Olivia was like his sister, he just wanted her to be happy no matter what that meant. He wasn’t sure how to handle it though, he grew up in a Catholic family,  didn’t have any other gay friends he wanted to be able to talk to her about anything but found himself unsure how to talk about that without sounding like he was patronizing or judging.

            “I know, Elliot. I know, when the time is right, if this whole thing works out I promise you will be the first to know but right now…”

            “You’re nervous, it’s a first date, and you don’t want to jinx it. I get ya, I’ve been there…ok not recently, not in a very long time but I follow. So where are you taking her?”

            “A nice little Italian place, great food, great wine list, quiet booths.” Olivia said smiling more and more as she thought about her evening.

            “Very nice Liv, you really want to impress her don’t you.”

            “Not impress, I just want it to be a nice evening. Memorable, I have a feeling this one is worth it.” She said hoping he would notice her throwing his remarks back at him.

            Olivia spent the rest of the day going over case files, tying up loose ends before heading out for the weekend. Elliot must have been watching her watch the clock as the end of their shift approached.

            “What time is your reservation?” He asked her so the others wouldn’t hear.

            “Eight.” She answered quickly.

            “Get out of here.”

            “What…no, its fine I have plenty of time.” Olivia lied, she was worried there was no way she could get all she needed to done, and arrive to Alex’s on time.

            “You’ve been pushing around papers for the last hour, you might as well get out of here, go get cleaned up, pick up some flowers, get ready for your night.”

            “I think flowers might be a bit much.” She said stacking papers on her desk.

            “Ah come on Kathy is always on my case, I never bring her flowers. You like flowers don’t ya?”

            “I like flowers.” She said knowing how hard Elliot was trying to show her he was happy for her, and at the same time give her a hard time.

            “See the ladies, they like flowers you want this to be a nice night right. Pick up some flowers.” He said with a wink. She had to hand it to Elliot as awkward as it was he was trying.

            “Ok, I’ll pick up some flowers one condition…”

            “What’s that?”

            “You pick up some too, for all your lovely ladies at home.”

            Elliot thought about it for a moment then held out his hand.

            “Deal.” He said as he shook Olivia’s hand, pulled her into a hug and said “Now get out of here already you’re making me nervous.”

            Nervous, she wasn’t nervous. Terrified was more like it. She called Alex on her way to her car to confirm their plans.

            “Hey, I was just about to call you.” Alex said answering her phone.

            Olivia’s heart sank, she’s started one too many calls that way herself it was the ‘I was just about to call you, can I get a rain check.’ conversation.

            “Oh yeah?” Olivia said trying to play it cool.

            “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that we were still on for tonight, I heard there was a case involving a prostitute?” Alex hoped against hope that her detective wouldn’t be detained because of a case, not tonight.

            “Fin and Much have the pleasure of that one.”

            “So we’re still on?” Alex said, Olivia was relived to hear her sounding excited.

            “We are, I’ll pick you up at your place around 7:30? You like Italian?”

            “Love it.”

            “Great, I’ll see you then.”

            “See you then.” Alex hung up the phone and immediately began to feel the butterflies in her stomach. She tried to calm herself down breathing deeply and remembering that this was Olivia picking her up, she knew her. It wasn’t some blind date with someone she didn’t know, who she’d have nothing in common with. However the thoughts she had meant to calm herself down she found only were making her more nervous, more anxious, she was right after all. This wasn’t some woman she met out, or a casual fix up, this was Olivia Benson, her friend, her colleague a woman she both respected and admired. This wasn’t just another date; this had the potential to be so much more than a date as well as the potential to come between her and a woman she already deeply cared for.

            As promised Olivia walked in to the florist on her block, and found herself feeling a little silly. How many times had she picked up Alex on there way to a night out, twenty? Now here she was trying to think what kind of flowers Alexandra Cabot would like, what kind of flowers delivered the message tonight I am here as your date, not just your friend. As she looked at all the choices Olivia realized that she had never once bought flowers, for anyone, not even her mother. She couldn’t decide why that was and the more she thought about it she realized that this wasn’t just going to be another date with another woman who she could turn and walk away from when things got tough, nor was it with a woman whom she wouldn’t mind if she walked away once she realized what dating a detective really meant. She felt her heart racing in her chest, once they went down this road there was no going back.

            Olivia chose a simple yet elegant bouquet of orchids and lilies and quickly headed back to her apartment. She must have gone through everything in her closet before deciding she had nothing to wear, not one single thing, everything she had either screamed cop or that she was trying to hard, neither an impression she wanted to make. She settled on a curve fitting back dress and tall black boots, and after spending more time on her hair and make up than she thought she ever could, she picked up her coat and the flowers and headed out to pick up Alex.

            “Who is it.” Alex asked answering the intercom knowing it must be Olivia.

            “It’s me.” Olivia said hoping that Alex didn’t hear her voice shake.

            “Come on up, I’ll just be another minute.” Alex said buzzing her in.

            A moment later Olivia rapt on the door, taking one last deep breath, ready or not here they went.

“Police, open up.” She said hoping to ease the tension with a joke.

            “Very funny.” Alex said opening the door while fumbling with an earring.

            Olivia stepped inside completely struck by how beautiful Alex looked, red was definitely her color, her dress flowed softly over her curves and stopped just above the knee this definitely was not something from Ms. Cabot’s work wardrobe. Alex felt Olivia’s eyes on her smiled, satisfied with her reaction.

            “You look beautiful.” She said laying her coat over the back of the sofa, the same sofa where Alex confessed her secret, the same sofa where she kissed Olivia the night before.

            “I was just about to say the same thing about you.” Alex said walking over to Olivia and kissing her cheek. “Are those for me?” She asked gesturing to the flowers in Olivia’s hand.

            “Oh, yeah they are.” Olivia said looking away sheepishly.

            “They are beautiful, how’d you know?” Alex asked.

            “Know what?”

            “Lilies are my favorite.” Alex said as she filled a vase from the tap.

            “Lucky guess I suppose. Are we ready to go, cabs waiting downstairs.”

            “Yes. I am, just one more thing.” Alex picked up a necklace and struggled putting it on.

            “Here let me.” Olivia said taking the necklace and signaling for her to turn around. Alex lifted her hair so Olivia could work the clasp, she couldn’t figure out if it was her nerves or the beautiful woman in front of her but Olivia fumbled with the necklace almost as much as Alex had.

            “There we are.” She said once she had it latched.

            “Thanks. Lets go.”

            “Have you ever been here before?” Olivia asked as they pulled up to Becco, the most romantic Italian place Olivia could think of when trying to decide where they should go.

            “I’ve never had the pleasure, but I have heard great things.” Olivia offered Alex her hand and helped her out of the cab and paid the driver.

            “You really look stunning tonight Liv.” Alex said causing Olivia to blush and then she took Olivia completely by surprise and kissed her right there on the side walk. Alex had told her that she was open about her sexuality except for her don’t ask don’t tell policy, somehow Olivia assumed it was more of a don’t show and tell policy, apparently she was wrong.

            “Benson for two.” Olivia told the host as they walked in.

            “Right this way.” Alex took Olivia’s hand as the host led them to a quiet candle lit booth with a window near the back.

            “Perfect.” Olivia said upon seeing the table.

            “You’d better be careful detective a girl could get used to this.” Alex smiled and laid her napkin in her lap.

            “Feel free, it’s good for me get cleaned up, trade in the leather for some lace.”

            “Well for the record, you look great in either.” Alex reached across the table and touched her date’s hand.

            As the night wore on, the nerves wore off and the two found themselves in a comfortable rhythm, and while neither had been looking they both felt as though they had found a treasure that had been waiting for them just under their nose.

            “So I have a confession to make.” Olivia said taking a bite of the tiramisu desert they were sharing.

            “Uh oh.”

            “No, no, not uh oh, I was just going to confess to you how nervous I was about tonight.”

            “Oh honey you are preaching to the choir. I have stood toe to toe with the scum of the earth never batted an eye lash and the thought of a date with you, had me shaking in my boots.” Alex smiled.

            Olivia laughed. “It’s silly right. I mean it’s not like we don’t already know we have things in common, we have a good time together.”

            “True, but this is different. I mean I don’t know about you but…” The waiter interrupted the conversation by delivering their lattes’. “Thank you.” Alex said smiling at the waiter. “Anyway what was I saying?”

            “You don’t know about me…” Olivia reminded.

            “Right. I don’t know about you but I have spent a lot of energy trying to not think about you like this. And now here we are and you look spectacular and you brought me these amazing flowers and to this beautiful restaurant and I don’t know it’s more than I could have hoped for and I just have to say thank you.” Olivia took a sip from her latte as she listened to her date marvel at the evening she planned for them. “Thank you and, you’ve got foam, right here.” Alex said reaching over and wiping the foam off Olivia’s lip with her thumb.

            “See you can dress me up, but you can’t take me anywhere.” Olivia said with a laugh. “And you’re welcome, I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

            “I am. I’m just trying to figure out one thing.”

            “What’s that?”

            “You planned this great night, complete with flowers, candle light, red wine and here I sit on my side of the booth and there you are all the way over on that side of the booth.”

            Olivia stood as she answered.

            “Well, I guess I thought as long as there was a table between us I’d be able to restrain myself a bit easier.” She sat and ran her hand through Alex’s hair.

            “Mmmm, yes restraint. Very polite.” Alex said leaning in to Olivia’s ear and whispering. “But completely over rated.”

            Olivia stood up and offered her hand helping Alex out of the booth.

            “Shall we get our coats?” She asked as she led Alex towards the coat check.

“You know you’ve set the bar pretty high tonight Liv, are you sure you don’t want to leave a couple tricks up your sleeve?”         

            “Oh, no no, don’t you worry there are plenty of tricks still up there.” Olivia said helping Alex with her coat and allowing Alex to return the favor. As Alex pulled the lapels of Olivia’s familiar black trench coat over the brunettes shoulders and looked into her deep chestnut eyes she couldn’t help herself and she kept right on pulling on those lapels until she felt Olivia’s lips upon hers once more. Olivia was hooked, the hair on the back of her neck stood up and a shiver went down her spine. If it meant more kisses like that from Cabot, Olivia could plan a million more nights like this.

            “So…uh Detective. Where are we off to.” Alex asked standing nose to nose forehead to forehead with her date.

            “Suddenly I can’t recall.” She said kissing her date again.

            “We could stand here doing this all night.” Alex warned.

            “I like that plan.” Olivia said between kisses, as she ran her hand over Alex’s back. Alex stepped back, not wanting to get too carried away too quickly.

            “Why don’t we get a cab, and head back to my place.” Alex suggested.

            Suddenly the butterflies once faded made their way back into the pit of Olivia’s stomach.

            “Sure. Lets go.” Olivia said opening the door.

            Twenty minutes, and a spat over cab fare later the two stood outside Alex’s front door.

            “I did the asking I’ll do the paying thank you very much.” Olivia said once more in her defense.

            “I just think it is the least I could do, you planned this whole thing and what have I done?” Alex asked turning around and leaning against the door.

            “You have been the best date I’ve ever had thank you very much, and while I thank you for the offer, this one is on me.” Olivia shifted her weight from side to side trying to decide how to navigate the situation at hand.

            “You want to come in? I can open a bottle of red.” Alex offered fishing in her purse for her keys.

            “Umm.” Olivia thought for a moment.

            “Umm?” Alex repeated.

            “Alex I don’t know…”

            Alex could tell her date was nervous, and presently standing before her contemplating what she was really saying. She knew Olivia, she was trying to determine if she was being invited in for a glass of wine, or if she was being invited in for a glass of wine with expectations attached.

            “I promise I don’t bite.” Alex badgered.

            “I know, I know I just…” Olivia was stammering and she knew it.

            “Just a glass of wine Olivia, nothing more, I promise.” Alex took Olivia’s hand and drew her inside.

            As promised Alex poured two glasses of wine and the two made themselves comfortable on the couch. Alex picked up a remote from the table and turned on the MP3 player across the room, the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald filled the room.

            “Hmmm.” Olivia said eyeballing Alex.

            “What?”

            “If I didn’t know better I would think you were trying to set some sort of mood.” Olivia laughed.

            “I promised a glass of wine, that thing is on random, so if anything is trying to set a mood it is my Ipod and you’ll have to call up Steve Jobs if you’d like to ask about it.”

            “I see.” Olivia sank back in to the comfort of the sofa, suddenly feeling her long week and the wine catch up with her.

            “I’ll be right back.” Alex said getting up and disappearing into her bedroom.

            “Ok.” Olivia drank from her glass and enjoyed the music, as well as her buzz. Her relaxation was short lived when the song ended and the next began.

            Oh oh whoa oh oh, Oh oh whoa oh…the right stuff.

Olivia doubled over in laughter as Alex came sprinting from her bedroom hair in a pony tail, in an oversized Barnard T-shirt and boxer shorts, dropping the clothes in her hands she leapt over the couch in an attempt to get to the remote before Olivia. Her attempt was futile, and she found herself restrained by her hysterical date.

Olivia could hardly catch her breath to speak she was laughing so hard.

“New Kids On The Block?” Olivia said between cackles.

“They were big when I was young.” She said struggling to pry the remote from the detective.

“Which is why you might have a cassette somewhere in a box, or the back of a drawer…you downloaded this. And recently I am pretty sure I was with you when that thing was delivered a month or two ago.”

“So, what, so I listen to New Kids On The Block after a long day in court sometimes you need a little reminder of a time when life wasn’t so serious. There was a time when I didn’t even know about the bad guys out there, and during that time I was listening to New Kids On The Block.” Alex pouted. Olivia wiped her eyes and held her side, she felt like she might split open. She kissed Alex, softly and slowly in her own way thanking her for reminding her that there are still a lot of good things left in the world and in Olivia’s world Alex was turning quickly into one of the best.

“You are just pretty damn adorable.”  She said looking her date over.

“Ugh I couldn’t take those heels anymore. I got these for you.” She said standing up and picking up the tank top and sweats she’d brought for Olivia. “I thought you might want to watch a movie?”

“Yeah, a movie would be nice.” Olivia said taking the clothes Alex offered her. “I’ll be right back.” Olivia excused herself to change and Alex went through her movie collection trying to decide what the best choice was.

“What are we watching?” Olivia asked walking back into the room, Alex noticed she’d taken the time to wash the make-up off her face and Alex’s tank was just a little snug, exactly what she was hoping for.

“You’ll see.” Alex said knowing that it would only be a matter of moments before the mocking started and as if on cue Olivia obliged.

“Dirty Dancing?” Olivia laughed.

“Oh come on, don’t tell me you don’t love this movie.” Alex turned to face her date.

“I liked it fine…in 1987 when it came out.” Olivia laughed.

“Uh…it’s a classic.” Alex demanded.

“I had no idea you held such a love for all things 80’s.”

“Not all things 80’s.” Alex defended herself.

“Hey don’t get me wrong I hold a special place in my heart for Flash Dance…that ‘Maniac’ sequence gave me my first insight into the fact that perhaps my interests didn’t lie in the male persuasion. First time in my life I thought I’d like to trade places with a dog.”

Alex laughed and hugged on to Olivia and slowly as she kissed her laid her back on to the couch. She held herself up on her hands and looked closely at the woman she now trapped under her slender arms, if Olivia wanted to get away there was nothing Alex could have done to stop her, she was easily the stronger of the two. She allowed her hips to fall and press her weight against Olivia’s, she watched Olivia’s eyes for cues, Alex knew she was nervous. Alex ran her fingers through Olivia’s short spiked hair and over the soft skin of her cheek, never breaking her gaze.

“I can’t believe you’re real.” Alex whispered, leaning down and kissing her partners temple softly. Olivia wrapped her hand behind Alex’s neck and pulled her into her as they kissed Alex’s arms went weak and her full weight fell against Olivia. Ah, the weight the feel of someone else’s body on yours, she didn’t realize how much she missed it.  Olivia rolled to her side taking Alex with her and before she even knew it happened she was on her back, and Olivia was kissing her neck running her hands over her body.

“I’m real.” She said softly into Alex’s ear. “Alex.” She whispered, as Alex rose to kiss her along her collar bone. “Alex.” She said again gently pushing back down on her shoulders.

“Yeah Liv.” Alex said breathlessly looking at Olivia.

Olivia knew she had to choose her words carefully or risk hurting Alex’s feelings.

“Alex, you are amazing. This, is amazing. I just…” She stopped and waited for a reaction from Alex.

“I know, a glass of wine and a movie. I don’t want to move too fast either, but…”Alex leaned up and kissed Olivia behind her ear. “Last time I checked, making out after a first date is a pretty time honored tradition.”

“And a good one.” Olivia smiled.

“We won’t go to fast. I don’t want to mess this up as much as you don’t.” Alex smiled finally called a spade a spade and brought up the pink elephant that had taken up most of the room since they entered the apartment.

“I just can’t, not with you I don’t want to…” Alex didn’t let Olivia finish.

“You won’t.” Alex shifted allowing Olivia to fall over on to her side behind her. “Lets watch the movie. There is plenty of time for the rest.” Alex said reaching behind her and brining Olivia’s arm over her. Olivia snuggled in and squeezed Alex tight. Alex felt safe and Olivia felt cared for, as far as first dates went, this one was out of the park. Olivia couldn’t remember ever sleeping so well when she woke up the next morning still on the couch, still wrapped up around Alex who still slept in her arms. Olivia couldn’t say she’d ever been in love before but there was something stirring inside her she’d never felt before that was sure. She lay her head back down and pulled Alex in closer to her, it was Saturday morning, and she didn’t have anywhere else she’d rather be.

Cunning

The squad room was dim, the phones were quiet, even Cragen’s office was dark. There she was, sitting at her desk pouring over her case files, head in her hand, she had been staring at the same paper for the last thirty minutes and nothing had changed she still had nothing to take to Alex, nothing that they could hold the suspect on, nothing proving what she felt in her gut. She sat back in her chair and looked up at the clock, it was after eleven, and she should just go home and call it a night. Detective Benson was just about to leave when Alex walked in.

            “Hey what are you doing here?” Olivia said as she put on her jacket.

            “I had a feeling you were probably still here, looking at the same files I was, trying to find something to nail that son of a bitch with.”

            “Find anything?” The detective asked hopeful.

            “No, you?”

            “Nothing worse than a parking violation in his background, but Alex I feel it this guy is our guy.”

            “And while I trust your gut, it won’t hold up in court.” Alex said sitting on the corner of Elliot’s desk.

            “I know. He’s slick. It makes me just want to…”

            “Don’t finish that sentence please; I don’t want to hear one of my detectives wants to punish a suspect outside of a courtroom.”

            Olivia smiled. “Right.”

            “Anyway I’m not here just on business.” Alex said looking sheepish.

            “Oh yeah, what else do I owe the pleasure?”

            “I’m sure its nothing, but it got a little heated today at Rikers with a perp that wanted to deal. He said some things, got me a little rattled…”

            “Do we need to file a report?” Olivia asked.

            “Already done, but a report won’t go to my apartment and check under my bed.” Alex said hanging her head ashamed to admit that she was freaked out and a little scared.

            “Ah, well then lets go.” Olivia said signaling Alex to go ahead of her.

            “Are you sure, Liv? I’m sorry this is silly I don’t want to put you out, my apartment is way out of your way and you’ve been here for what fourteen hours today?” Alex asked.

            “Alex its no big deal, and now that you’ve told me there is no way that you are going to get me to not go with you so, the way I see it we can stand here for the next half hour going over why I should go with you versus why I shouldn’t or we could be on our way already.”

            “Are you sure? I could always just call in a uniform to escort me.”

            “Don’t be silly, besides what good is it for you to have a detective for a friend if she can’t take you home and check things out.” Olivia smiled, Alex smiled back.

            “Thanks.”

            Fifteen minutes later the two women walked in to Alex’s building. As Alex put the key in the door Olivia put her hand over Alex’s, Alex jumped and immediately Olivia felt badly.

            “Sorry, just let me go in first, just in case.” She pulled her hand back and allowed Alex to stand behind her.

            It wasn’t the first time some thug had threatened her and it more than likely wouldn’t be the last but there was just something that had Alex shaken, she felt herself standing too close to Olivia hiding behind her and her gun. Olivia walked in and turned on the light hand on and pulled her side arm. She told Alex to stay by the door as she walked through the apartment checking for signs of an intruder. She came back out of the bedroom minutes later and holstered her weapon.

            “All clear, no monsters under the bed, in the closet or the shower. I think your guy was just blowing off steam Alex, he’s looking at a long stint up river, not to mention he is about to be put there by a beautiful blonde, his favorite kind of victim.” Olivia said sitting on the couch.    

            “You’re right.” Alex said thinking to her self how silly it was to be so happy that Olivia had called her beautiful. Alex sat down beside her and removed her glasses rubbing her temples.

            “You going to be alright?” Olivia said putting her hand on her knee.

            Alex knew she would be but she found herself enjoying the company of the detective so much and the feel of her hand on her knee, she hadn’t felt that kind of electricity in a long time, so she lied.

            “I don’t know.” Alex said. “Care for a glass of wine? It’s the least I can do, asking you to come all the way over here, and for nothing.” Alex crossed the room and entered the kitchen.

            “Its not for nothing if you fell like you are in danger I am happy to do it. And yes a glass of wine would be great.”

            Alex entered the room two glasses and a bottle of red in her hand, she figured as long as she had Olivia here, they might as well make the best of it, and if she had to tell the honest truth the ADA was hoping for a little liquid courage. It seemed like she found herself thinking more and more about her friend since that night she bare her soul at the bar. Tonight it was Alex turn to bare her soul.

            “Thank you.” Olivia said taking the glass.

            “No thank you. I was thinking about checking into a hotel for the night, but I thought I might be followed…”

            “Alex seriously, its not a problem its not like we haven’t hung out after work anyway ya know? Let’s just pretend that you didn’t come in because you were afraid, we can just say, you wanted to talk over a glass of wine.”

            “Ok.” Alex said. It was silent for a moment while the two women settled in and sipped their wine.

            “You know, the whole you just wanted to talk over a glass of wine thing would be much more believable if we actually talked.”

            “Right.” Alex sighed.

            “What’s going on in that brain of yours Cabot.”

            “Nothing, its just…our jobs. They never stop, we chose them sure, but did you ever imagine the kind of…”

            “Isolation?” Olivia finished.  

            “Yes. I knew that becoming ADA meant that there would be long hours sleepless nights, and not much time for much of a social life, it’s just.” Alex thought back on something someone told her a few weeks ago.

            “It’s just what?”         

            “Do you think I am intimidating?” Alex asked.

            “You or your job?”

            “I don’t know, both I guess, some days I feel like I am my job.”

            “I think that your job is far more intimidating than you are. To be honest I wouldn’t have thought you and I would turn out to be friends when I first met you. It wasn’t that you weren’t nice enough but when you’re working, you are impeccable. It is intimidating dealing with someone who is seemingly perfect and has it all together. It’s been nice to see that you are as flawed as the rest of us deep down.”

            “Thanks.” Alex said rolling her eyes.

            “You know what I mean.”

            “I know.”

            “Why do you ask?”

            Alex and Olivia had been hanging out about once a week for the last couple of months, a drink here, a late dinner there. Plenty of girl talk, but one subject was notably left out of the conversations, maybe they both thought because of their jobs that there was no one special in their lives to talk about or maybe they just didn’t want to, but the subject of relationships never really came up. Alex wasn’t sure how to say what she was about to, she never was. She assumed that Olivia knew, after all she knew that Olivia was.

            “So last week I was out, an ex of mine was in town.”

            “Oh, that is never a good way to start a story.” Olivia said sipping from her glass.

            “Yeah, I know but we’ve remained good friends in true lesbian fashion…” Alex looked down at her glass and took a drink.

            Olivia’s head started to spin a little and she was sure it wasn’t from the wine since she’d only had a few sips. “Alex Cabot…gay ADA?” she thought to herself. Olivia kept her composure, she knew how hard it was to be upfront about that kind of thing with people, which is why so few people knew about her preference Alex was one. While stunned she also wondered why she hadn’t confided in her sooner, maybe Alex just thought she knew.

            “Ok, so what happened?” Olivia said trying not to let her surprise show.

            “I asked her why she thought she hadn’t found anyone, settled down…she said she didn’t know, then posed the question right back to me. I took her route, I told her I didn’t know I told her that in my line of work it’s not like I am out at the hot spots, you know how people talk, I told her I thought I just wasn’t really putting myself out there.”

            “It’s understandable.” Olivia knew all about the dilemma Alex faced and the fine line between finding someone and putting her sexuality on public show.

            “I’m not closeted or anything. I just have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy for everyone’s comfort. If the DA asked me tomorrow if I was a lesbian I would say ‘Yes.’ And move on, I have no intent on hiding my life when I do find someone we aren’t living in the stone age.”

            Olivia couldn’t help herself, she had to ask.

            “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

            “You didn’t ask.”

            “I know but we’re friends, I’d think you’d like to relate to a friend when you have something like that in common.”

            “I don’t…I’m not good at…” Alex grunted at her inability to come up with a train of thought and stick with it. “What would I do, if it was reversed would you have come up to me and said ‘Wow your gay? Me too!’ I’d feel ridiculous.”

            “Well I think you have a better way with words than that but I understand.”         

            “You and I we’re friends but we work together too, I just didn’t want to put either one of us in an awkward situation. I didn’t want you to think I was trying to pick up on you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you, but I am telling you now.”

            “I understand.” Olivia responded but couldn’t help but feel a little hurt by the comment Alex made about not wanting her to think that she was picking up on her. She couldn’t decide if she meant that because they worked together or because she just would never even consider her no matter of professional standing. “So what did she say to rattle your cage?”

            “She said it wasn’t just that I wasn’t out there, she said it was because I am intimidating. Even when I do go places where I might find a woman, I intimidate. Do you think I am intimidating? If you were out and you saw me at the bar would you approach me?”

            Olivia was taken back. She really didn’t know what answer would be best here.

            “I don’t know. What kind of bar? I mean the cop bar down the street from the prescient or are we in a little friendlier atmosphere.”

            “Well I don’t think you would hit on me in a cop bar so, I guess a friendlier atmosphere.”

            “Honestly Alex, I am shocked. I normally can pick up on things and I had no idea you were gay, so I don’t know if I would be so bold.”

            “I didn’t know you were at first, ok I thought you might be, but I wasn’t sure.” Alex argued.

            “Yeah but you knew before I painted the picture for you.” Olivia had a point.

            “Yes but…”

            “Can I be honest?” Olivia felt like she should lay it out for her.

            “Please”

            “If I saw you in a bar I would take notice. I would think to myself how gorgeous you were and decide that even if you were gay…not just a tourist who wandered into the wrong bar, you wouldn’t be interested in me.” As much as she knew it wasn’t what Alex wanted to hear, she had to say it.

            “Wha..Why?” Alex stammered.

            “You’re perfectly put together, your hair, your nails, and your clothes. Me, I’m a mess, and I’m a cop. Two strikes right there. I am a cop and you are obviously out of my league.”

            “You are a detective first of all, not just a cop. And second I am not out of your league, this isn’t the 1800’s there isn’t a caste system, and I hate the bullshit around the idea of the ‘wrong side of the tracks’ so to speak.” Alex knew no matter what she did she would always be seen as privileged and she hated it.

            “So you’re saying that if you’re you, and I’m me and I ask you, ADA Alexandra Cabot would you like to get dinner with me some time, and didn’t mean ‘get dinner’ the way I did last week you would say…”

            “Olivia…”

            “See, you’re out of my league.” Olivia stood up, what once was a hypothetical situation was now very real and she felt rejected. Rejected by a woman who up until about ten minutes ago she thought was her straight best friend thus, not fodder for fantasy.

            “I’m not…I’m not out of your league.” Alex said.

            “Ah right, we work together.” Olivia crossed to the window.

            “Yes, there’s that.” Alex turned trying to keep eye contact; she knew she’d crossed a line that they were not going to be able to just ignore.

            “There’s that and, I am a detective, my hours are long and my job is dangerous. I get it I understand.” Alex hated it when Olivia put herself down.

            “Olivia, I don’t know if you noticed, but I never said no.”

            Olivia stopped dead in her tracks.

            “I never said no.” Alex continued. “I just, I don’t know what that would mean for us, so I haven’t let myself think about it. As much as I have thought about it, I have thought more about how I can’t think about it.” Olivia raised an eyebrow yet another thing they had in common, not thinking about one and other.

            “Because we work together?” Olivia wanted to be sure why Alex felt this way before she let it go.

            “Because if I messed it up I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, because you’re my best friend, your friendship means more to me than any attraction I might have to you.”

            “What makes you think it would be you that messed it up?” Olivia asked sitting back down.

            “It just seems to work that way.”

            Suddenly, things were clicking in Olivia’s head, and she couldn’t help but thinking that this whole night might have been a bit of a set up.

            “Alex. Did you really get threatened today?” Olivia said.

            “What?” Alex did her best stunned act.

            “You’ve been threatened before; dozens while I’ve been in the room and it has never bugged you like this before.” Olivia allowed a smirk to fall over her face.

            That smirk drove Alex insane, half because it was cute and half because she was partly right.

            “I was really scared.” Alex said fighting to keep her composure.

            “Uh-huh.” Olivia mocked.

            “He said he was going to get me.”

            “Yeah, he’s in Rikers, he’ll be there for the life thanks to you.”       

            “He has strong ties on the outside.” Alex lied.

            “He was a hermit!” Olivia smiled knowing that the counselor was full of it. “A hermit who only left his house in the dead of night to grab victims, whose neighbors didn’t even know he lived in their building! The only reason we found him was because the uniforms did a check on the apartment because the residence thought it was abandoned and they found three bodies in his freezer!”

            “This is why I can’t date you.” Alex said.

            “Why’s that?” Olivia wanted to hear this one.

            “You’d always know if I’m fibbing.” Alex shot back, causing Olivia to laugh out loud. ‘Who says fibbing?’ Olivia thought to herself.

            “Oh I didn’t think you were earlier, you played the freaked out card very well counselor.” Olivia smiled.

            “What about you, putting your hand on mine at the door, telling me to stand back, pulling your gun? Like that wasn’t a bit of a show?” Alex knew she had Olivia’s card on that one.

            “I thought you were scared I was trying to make you feel safe, and what about you clinging on to me like a human shield.” Olivia knew she was putting on a show but wasn’t about to admit it.

            “I was trying to convince you I was scared.”

            “So Alex, if you weren’t really scared to come home, why is it that you wanted me to come home with you tonight?”

            “Honestly.”    

            “That would be the preferred response.” Olivia picked up her glass again and this time drank a fair amount of the glass down.

            “I don’t know. I know I wanted you to know for sure, let you know I am gay. I wanted to know what that meant for us. If you knew, for sure if that would change anything.”

            “I don’t know what that does mean for us, but you cooked this whole thing up, just to get me here.”

            “Guilty as charged.”  

            “That is pretty freaking cute.”

            Alex blushed.

            “I don’t know if I would call it cute.” Alex said as Olivia sat back down next to her. She felt her heart start to race.

            “Oh yeah. What would you call it.” Olivia said closing the distance between them.

            “Cunning.”

            “Cunning huh, why would a pretty girl like you resort to such methods when all she really had to do was say something.” Olivia leaned in almost touching Alex’s lips with her own.

            “I think I just did.” Alex whispered as she leaned the rest of the way in to Olivia kissing her gently on her lips. Their kiss was cautious and gentle you could even call it polite but it was electric for both. Olivia brought her hand to Alex’s face as she parted her lips allowing for their tongues to meet for the first time. She felt Alex wrap her arms around her and deepen their kiss. When the two parted, they looked into the others eyes for a moment, gauging reaction trying to see if the other felt what they just had.

            “Well counselor, this changes everything.” Olivia said taking a breath.

            “To put it mildly.” Alex said.

            “So, I ask you to dinner, tomorrow night and you say?”

            “Absolutely.”  Alex stood as Olivia did.

            “So you think you’re going to be ok. You think you’re safe.” Olivia mocked as she stood up and made her way to the door.

            “I think so. And if I’m not I have a date with one of New York’s finest tomorrow, a criminal in his right mind wouldn’t come near me.” She smiled following behind her.

            “So I’ll see you tomorrow.” Olivia said leaning in and gently kissing her once more.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            Olivia brushed back a stray piece of blonde hair and looked once more into the blue eyes of her friend. Neither was sure what would come of tonight’s events but they were both more than willing to find out.

            Alex closed the door behind her and locked it tight leaning back against it and sinking to the floor, smiling like a school girl she giggled to herself. She couldn’t believe that worked.